August 20, 2011

  • shut the front door

    I just catch myself waiting, wondering, worrying
    about some silly things that don't add up to nothin'.

    - Tom Petty

    -+- 

    There's now five days before school starts, which also means that there's less than one week left of my summer of craziness, productivity, fulfillment, endearment, support, change, self-improvement, and motivation.  All of the above were filled with both heedless ambition, and good old-fashioned unexpected twists and turns.

    At the end of the day, I'm juggling between the things that I regret and the things that just make my day.  There's no way that I can say that over the last ten weeks, I've had no regrets.  We all know about the heartbreak that I went through, about the depression that I had to overcome.  Honestly, I'm better now.  It's enough that sometimes I can sincerely hardly believe that I ever endured all that strife.  But I'm not perfect, and I won't pretend that I haven't stumbled along the way.  But I won't disregard a second of it.  I don't believe in living in ignorance anymore.  I refuse to go, "I don't care, I don't give a shit," and call it a day.  

    My break-up and my depression feel like... they're yesterday's news now.  They are nothing compared to everything that I have accomplished since then.  They're a blur now.  I feel like I shut the door behind me, and I threw away the key.  There's no looking back anymore.  Now, I've got nothing on my mind except what's ahead of me.

    I used to respond to mistakes and criticism with shattered self-esteem, but now all I do is use it to improve myself.  Now, I always try bounce back into an even better person for making that mistake.  I used to defeat every compliment, but now I use it as fuel, to motivate myself to never lose momentum.  The songs that I couldn't stand because they reminded me of older times, they've become palatable again.  I'm making it. 

    School is going to start, and I'm going to have to start managing my time to fit the most intensive part of my experiment protocol, keeping up with my internship, keeping up with school work, expanding my repertoire of extracurricular activities, and maintaining all of the friendships that I've formed over the course of summer, all at the same time.  After the last two years, I know how difficult and demanding that's going to be.  But hopefully, I can do it.  I'm a smart cookie, I'm a hard worker, and I'm overall awesome.  But that's not enough for me.  I want to be extraordinary.  So I'm believing in myself, but cross your fingers for me!

    I'm shooting for the stars.  The only difference is that this time around, none of it sounds impossible.  I know what I'm capable of now, and no part of it sounds unfeasible.

    Or should I say... I'm gonna catch 'em all!
    XD

    </lame>