But you didn't have to cut me off,
make out like it never happened,
and that we were nothing.
And I don't even need your love,
but you treat me like a stranger
and that feels so rough.
- Gotye
-+-
I'm carrying hope by the fistful. My heart is not just on my sleeve, it's on a billboard on the shoulder of the 99.
And truth is, it's complicated. There's a lot of complication in heartbreak. It frustrates me because it's not linear. I'm better, but I'm worse. I'm ready, but I'm not. I miss him, but I don't. I love him, but I hate him. Sometimes I feel absolutely crushed, and sometimes I feel like I'm amazing. Damn. Females, amirite?
But one thing that never ceases to hugely bother me, is how much it seems like I never existed. I still don't get it. It's ridiculous. It's as if his beaming smiles and his unsurpassed joy whenever I visited Davis... just never existed. Why do I have to remind myself that I existed? Why do I have to remind myself that the last five and a half years actually happened?
Very thankfully, I can gladly say that it's become something I can overcome more easily than I could eight weeks ago. It's not something so pervasive that it takes over my life, although it used to be. It's stopped affecting my self-esteem as much, but it's still something that takes a toll on me. It makes me question myself, but the doubt is now a fleeting burden. I would worry about it all night, but when I come into the lab, everyone is just so kind to me and reassures me that I'm not worthless. So secretly, it's something that is worrying me right now, but I'll get over it.
But what bothers me most about it, is that it makes me wonder the most horrible, painful question imaginable:
Was it all a lie?
When I thought that he loved me, was that a lie? To imagine, that the last five and a half years of love was just a lie... there's just no worse feeling in the world. I'm not ready to face that.
I can be as strong as I want, I can become Wonder Woman, and I will still never be ready to face that.