August 17, 2011

• Our lives are made in these small hours,
  these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate.

  - Rob Thomas 

  -+-

  I've actually had a pretty wonderful, restful (at least mentally restful), and insightful break!  

  It was my sole vacation, and then I'll be in the lab straight through the start of school from here on out.  In spite of how late I'm staying up to wind down and blog, I'm initiating two fairly momentous protocols tomorrow; the entire lab gave me a heads up that I'll be working really hard with Fabio from here on out.  "Rest up, because you're taking a break compared to when you start creating your insulin-producing cells!"  I'm kind of in disbelief that classes are starting in a week.  And I say this all the time, but I'm going to go so emo when I have to be in the lab less. :[  

  HANG IN THERE, MY CELL CULTURES~

  -+-

  But srsly, can anyone else believe that it's really only been two months since Phuc broke up with me?  I mean, a lot of stuff has happened in the last two months.  

  I daresay that not a single thing has happened that didn't drive towards my pledge for self-improvement.  I've wasted no time, and I'm kind of dumbfounded that I actually have quite a bit to showcase for all that effort.  My self-esteem has improved, my ambition has been rejuvenated and then some, I've become a bit of a "social butterfly," I've formed a lot of networking connections, and my depression has subsided for a record-breaking eight weeks now.  I mean, sure, sometimes I'm a heartbroken mess.  And of course I would pursue being more modest and humble about it, but I'm just really kind of too super hardcore amazed to not admit that good shit is happening.

  "Christa, sometimes, life-changing things happen.  This is one of them."

  It's really kind of weird actually sitting down and thinking about all the ways that I've improved as a person: emotionally, socially, and academically.  And when I get some goddamn free time, I'll add physically to that list.  =___=  *JIGGLES ALL MY CHUB AROUND*

  ANYHOO:

  For one, I'm finally realizing that, like... people are actually kind of invested in me.  I used to think that Phuc was the only person in the world that cared about me, but now I'm a little taken aback by just how many people have been there for me since Phuc broke up with me.

  Honestly, it really means the world to me, from both the people that are aware of what I'm going through and those who don't.  But my eyes are more open now. I mean... I'm still the best friend of my best friend after all of these years living apart.  I got a spontaneous care package in the mail from my friend in high school, and it was so touching that I cried.  My mentor of my youth heard about my break-up, and e-mailed me with the most amazing amounts of support and sincerity.

  Wow.  I mean, like, wow.  It's weird knowing that I went through so many years of just crippling low self-esteem and loneliness, but like.  Damn.  People care about me?!?!  Where the hell have I been?!

  It's kind of weird remembering/realizing/learning that... I actually have a place in people's hearts.  I was driving home, and saw a car in front of me almost get into an accident, and flipped my shit wondering what if that happened to me.  And it was weird to conceive the simple notion that people would care.  And for once, I actually truly accepted that.  If something happened to me, then people would care.  It's kind of intuitive for most people, but for me, that was a really shocking revelation.  A lot of people care about me.  A lot of people wish the best for me.  A lot of people are worried about my well-being, and a lot of people are there to support me.

  And it hit me: as much as I don't feel alone anymore, the reality is, I've never actually been alone.

  Man.

  Not bad, life.  Not bad.

  • 4:39 am
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