Damn, how did I get so lucky?

You know the feeling that you get in your tummy, when you're just full of butterflies, but you just can't pinpoint what it is?  You don't know if it's love, or excitement, or nervousness, or a mix of all three, but you just know that your tummy feels funny.  I've had that all week.  I've just been having the most intensive and demanding week, and yet it's also been just amazingly fulfilling and rewarding.

Several months ago, when I was accepted into my first choice research lab, when I was accepted into the internship that I applied for, and when I was accepted into the house that I wanted to rent with all the people that I wanted to live with, I relapsed into depression.

'I got everything I want, yet... nothing's changed.  I don't feel any different.  I still feel useless, I still feel lifeless, and I still feel alone.'

Clearly, I just had no freakin' clue.

Everything's changed.  

Everything.  

-+-

It was my turn to give my presentation on my stem cell research.

I had just spent nearly two hours with my heart pounding a mile a minute, with my heart in my throat and my throat in my stomach.  I was just sitting behind a desk watching other student presentations, yet I felt like I was upside down on a rollercoaster.  

There were four affiliated research programs presenting at the symposium today, and I was the last presenter for my program.  Throughout the entire afternoon session, I spent every second between every presentation in panic mode: "Oh dear god, we're one person closer to my presentation, I can't handle this!!" -- "Christa, calm down and drink your juice, just drink your juice!"

At the very end of the presentation of the girl before me, my entire lab just filed in, abruptly occupying the majority of the chairs in the presentation room.  My faculty mentor, my post-doc, my research associate, and all of the graduate and undergraduate students of my lab.  All week, they have been just so excited and supportive of me; they posted my symposium schedule on the huge lab whiteboard, reminding everyone to come see my first research talk and wishing me luck as I worked on my project.  "CHRISTA'S TALK IS 3 PM IN ROOM B, BE THERE!!"  

My cohort patted me on the back, "No pressure, Christa."  I thought my heart was going to just explode, and I thought I was going to just faint right there and then.  I've never been more nervous for a presentation in my entire life.  I've never been this nervous for any final project, or for any performance in theater.  I don't think I've ever experienced any amount of performance jitters like the anxiety that I felt today.

All day today, on the day of my symposium, my heart was just pounding, not because it was my first research talk, not because it was the climax of my summer internship program.  I barely cared about any of that.  It was because...

I wanted to make my lab proud of me. 

As applause rang for the presentation that preceded mine, I gingerly made my way to the front of the room, and scanned the audience as my program director introduced me.  I had so many friends in Merced that came all the way to campus just to see my ten-minute presentation.  

All of my lab members were just glowing.  They just looked so happy to see me and to be there for me.

And I felt safe.

Then, I promptly proceeded to just fucking kill that presentation.

Highlights: Impressing my principal investigator + everyone actually left their experiments to see me talk before rushing back to tend to their experiments + when I got back to my seat, my research associate held his hands in a heart for me!  Now that's when you know you've done good!

Sometimes, this lab just treats me too well.  I swear, it's like they're all psychic and somehow know that I have a history of self-esteem issues, and then just know all of the ways to make me feel like I'm worthwhile.  I was the only person in my presentation room to get the same kind of lab support, and now that I've recovered from my murderous amounts of anxiety, I'm just so thankful.  

Even everyday in the lab, they all just make me feel so motivated and excited for research.

"Christa, I know I'm hard on you, but it's only because we know you're smart.  We wouldn't go through the effort of investing in you if we didn't plan on keeping you around, right?!"
"Christa, you should hear the way that everyone in the lab talks about you, they love you, and everyone wants you to succeed."
"Christa, you're just contagious!"

I'm starting to feel like my life is scripted.  Poor sad emo girl enters internship, and supportive co-workers/lab members restore her faith in life.  It's almost unreal.  But dear god, it's evidently working, because I just feel great.

Next Tuesday, it will be two months since Phuc broke up with me.  And to be honest, I totally forgot about that until just now.  Has it really only been two months?  But my post-doc is back in town, and we're going to start stem cell culture next Tuesday.  Are you kidding me?!  I've only been dealing with normal differentiated cell lines for the last six weeks, and I'm going to finally start stem cell culture next Tuesday?!  Excitement for the day that I finally start handling stem cells > anxiety over the two-month mark.  Hands down, any day, any time.  Honestly, I cannot wait for next Tuesday.  Bring it.  'SUP?

I can keep writing for days, since I stopped blogging to practice for the symposium today.  A lot has happened since then, and as much as I want to ramble more and more about how the symposium went today, I have to rest up for a big day of research tomorrow!

Now that the symposium is finally over, tomorrow begins the first day of no-hassles SCIENCE!

And again, there goes the butterflies in my tummy!  I can't wait!