I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you
And I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining
And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all this that I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me
And suddenly, you become a part of my past;
you're becoming the part that don't last.
I'm losing you, and it's effortless.
- The Fray
-+-
I never talk about The Break-Up of 2011 out loud that much, so it's an experience every time I do. Each time, I go through different emotions as I describe my situation. It's ranged from sadness and longing, to optimism and appreciation. And yesterday, after tormenting a new friend with my usual spiel of my life story, I found myself in a unique state of mind.
I was content.
Describing my break-up and my depression felt like I was describing a memory, rather than something that I'm currently going through. It was even something that wasn't readily available in my head, due to a lack of usage -- I felt like I had to exert effort to access it. I had to dig for it through my newly planted memory garden of stem cells, school, and friendship. Describing the last few months felt like an accomplishment, and my smile and my laughter -- those are my medals. It was beautiful to learn that I have that glimmer back in my smile. The sparkle is back in my eyes. I turned my life around.
And I'm content with where I am now. And I'm content with the life that I've experienced over the past several months.
Talk about an understatement.
I've seen a lot of families go into the lab before. They would take a casual tour, with the rest of the lab maintaining their natural routine, without breaking a single step.
So I was really tentative about bringing my parents to the lab. I thought they would be the most embarrassing Filipino parents that Merced could ask for, I thought we would be intrusive, that I was expecting too much because no one really cares, that I had nothing to show them in such a small lab, etc.
But when my parents came in, first thing that happens: my lab technician LEAPT THE HELL out of his chair and flew across the room to shake their hands and introduce himself. My post-doc glowed like I've never seen the man glow before. He stayed overtime in the lab just so he could meet my parents. When I came to introduce him, he shook their hands with this enormous reverence, sincerely looking super thankful that they created me, to eventually work for him in the lab. My lab members actually let my parents enter my tissue culture room and see the cells that I've been growing. And I got to show my parents my insulinoma cells and my embryonic stem cells. And they were just washed with this quiet, overwhelmed amazement, "You MADE this?! O_O"
"omg you guys look so cute you should take a picture with the family in your lab coats"
When they met my PI, they asked, "How is she doing here?" and she actually got a little speechless before this amazingly sincere rant, with bits and pieces including, "Your daughter is WONDERFUL. Where do I even begin?! She joined the lab, and everyone was just so happy, everyone loves her. Don't worry, we take good care of her here!" She went on to talk about my attitude, my symposium presentation, my study habits, and my protocols. But I was really baffled at how much she wanted to say about me. I was really mindblown at how everyone was just glowing, especially considering the indifference to all the other families that had passed through before. There was a lot of awesomeness in the air, even though half the lab members had already gone home. I can only imagine how much the lab would've exploded had everyone been there.
When I went back into the lab alone to pick up my backpack before spending the rest of my day with my parents, all the undergraduates proclaimed, "YOUR PARENTS ARE CUTE, CHRISTA~" I found my PI and my post-doc just chatting about me with the most amazing excitement, "They looked so excited to see the lab! I just passed by them, and they're reading your poster now! Did you show them your cells that you made?! OMG WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE GET OUT OF HERE GO LET THEM SPOIL YOU ALREADY!"
And moments ago, I got this e-mail in my inbox:
It was a pleasure today to meet your parents. I'm glad that they could see all of the things you have done. The pride in their eyes was clear and touching. I am very proud to have you in the lab as well. Your enthusiasm is infectious, and I know the lab is happier and more productive because of your presence. Keep up the great work!
And I just choked up.
I was sitting there, alone, in front of my laptop screen, fighting back tears, to realize that I'm important to my lab.
I'll be honest, in spite of everything I've achieved in the lab in the last nine weeks (holy crap it's only been 9 weeks), I've still been extremely, "I hope the lab likes me!" I have a TON of stories about the lab every single day, I have had my heart flutter whenever they compliment my performance in the lab, and I am just insanely hardcore enthusiastic about the lab, but honestly, sometimes I still wonder, "guhh i hope the lab likes me T.T"
But holy shit. Didn't expect all THAT!
-+-
Also, school started yesterday.
Summary:
"omfg school is killing me i am so stressed out."
"LOL you're only 2 days in!! LOOK AT YOU, someone get this girl a drink!"
the end
A brief summary of my summer:
"From what I think, you seem to be repressing a lot of feelings."
"Oh, believe me. You were not there two months ago.
After Phuc broke up with me, I was a hot fucking mess, I was really bad. I cried for hours everyday. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, because I kept thinking about him. I mean, he crushed my heart. It was out of the blue, and he just completely broke my heart. I mean, it's hard shit. I loved him for five and a half years. He was my first boyfriend and the first boy that I've ever loved. So trust me, I didn't repress anything. I don't repress anything. Everything I felt and everything I feel is real.
Because life was never going to stop just because I'm sad. The guy made an asshole move, and broke up with me right before I moved back to Merced, right before the first day of my new internship, so I was pretty much thrown off a cliff. My life was practically starting over. And I didn't want to spend my first week at my internship just moping my heart out. That's a really shitty first impression. So I decided that I was going to boss, and I just never lost that momentum. I didn't have very many friends at Merced, so I knew that if I didn't make friends, then I would be going through this break-up by myself. So the main reason that I socialized more was so that I wouldn't go through my break-up alone, but those grew into very sincere friendships. And I just kept on at the bossin'.
So I guess when I say, 'I'm not that torn up about it anymore,' I'm phrasing it wrong. It's more like, I'm not that torn up about it anymore compared to before. But still, it's not even close. It's night and day. Which I feel like is a lot to say after three months out of such a long and important relationship. Don't get me wrong, it's hard shit, but I've accomplished a lot since then. I've experienced a lot. I've created a lot of new memories. I've gotten a lot done. I'm a stronger person now, and I'm a better person now."
And so concludes one of the most life-changing summers of my life.
Tomorrow, fall semester begins.
But by no means is my journey over. The change? The hard work? The emotional improvement, the academic improvement, the mental improvement, the social improvement? The ambition? The zeal? The climb? The determination?
Those are never over.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now,
even though you broke my heart, and killed me, and tore me to pieces, and threw every piece into a fire.
- Ellen McLain
-+-
Life doesn't wait.
I got back to business yesterday, and I found out just how much I missed out on by sitting on my hands. So I hustled my shit together, and immediately got back to bossing. Almost.
It would have been easier if yesterday didn't suck so much for everyone in the lab -- faculty, graduate students, and undergraduates alike. Goddamn, that was really frustrating and saddening to witness. I'm pretty invested in my lab (big surprise), so even the parts that had nothing to do with me also took a toll on me. It was the first time since I joined the lab that I couldn't concentrate on the science, because of everything that was just tormenting my head, over things both within and outside of the lab.
I did more analysis training yesterday, and I was lucky if I could get even a quarter of my heart into it.
My response to enormous stress and grief is definitely much different than it used to be. To compensate for my mental sluggishness, I sought to make myself as productive as possible. I think I almost raged out trying to do everyone's chores and make everyone's reagents and learn everyone's protocols. Not because of the stress of having to do all of it at once, but because I hated every single gap in my day between these tasks, longing to achieve something productive, desperately striving to get my mind out of my drama and back into the science. But all day, it was just impossible.
After lab, I met these sweet, naive freshmen at orientation, and I gave them advice and my contact information for future help. I saw familiar faces, and we chatted. I took a massive nap. Random little things that helped me feng shui my brain back into place.
Today was a recovery day for everyone, including myself.
Minor obstacle: the whole lab (including myself) had some frustration with my post-doc today, but at least he and I made up, because we're a team, brah. But other than that slight hump in my morning, the rest of the day went amazingly. After weeks of just analysis training, I'm FINALLY back doing cell culture. I only did a twenty-minute cell thawing protocol, yet I spent the entire day just RAVING about The Joy of Pipetting. But then, I got to help out on my first mouse dissection analysis, and worked about five hours overtime to help out a hardworking lady in her time of need. Actually, more like three weeks overtime because I was supposed to stop working in the lab after my symposium. >_> shhh
Anyway, as I was flushing out bone marrow from mouse femurs, I was in the science again. Thank god. Even more bossin': someone from the neighboring lab gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card just for being a good undergrad, even though I'm not even in her lab! In my head, I went, "OMG, it's like you know that I was having a bad day yesterday!" T_T! But then again, the entire lab was having a bad day yesterday, so I feel like she had a pretty smart gamble on that.
Nice moment of the day:
"Do you want me to drop by later and get you some coffee or dinner? I really don't mind."
"CHRISTA, NO. No no no no no no. You have already done much more than enough for this lab as it is. It already adds so much to the lab to have your teamwork, leadership, and enthusiasm. But as much as I really love having you around, you need to go home at some point."
And then, I was inspired again to be amazing, and to not lose my momentum again. There's only enough room in my mind to get distracted for science!
And so from here on out, I am striving to get my boss game back up. That was a hectic four days for me, but it's over now. Now, it's back to becoming an overall fuckin' amazing person.
but so then the woman didn't have dinner
=_=!
woman, makin' all the undergrads worry about chu
*grumble grumble grumble*
There's a memory waking up,
but it's never gonna reach you.
- Cut Copy
-+-
When did time start moving in slow motion?
At the drop of a hat, time started trudging along at a snail's pace. It's barely nine in the evening, but it feels like four in the morning. For almost three months, so much life was surrounding me and coming down on me, that I couldn't keep up with myself. My feet were leagues ahead of my mind. Everyday, I was so restless. I just wanted to be in the world, I just wanted my brain to be teeming with new memories. Days, weeks, months just passed right by me. There just wasn't time for a single slow moment. There was too much life happening, too much movement, too much change. Both the sun and the moon just couldn't keep up with me.
Then once upon a time, I overstepped my own ambition. I went into the lion's den, and it devoured me.
And then time stopped.
I'm not used to sitting around like this. I can hardly recall the last time that I was so idle. Suddenly, after weeks and weeks of never having enough hours in the day, I've been stricken with a wave of lethargy. I've been fighting it: I've referred to my friends, I've been working it off at the gym, I've caught up with old shows, I've been diving into old hobbies (e.g. baking + a hearty round of boba and shopping). Yet time continues to move so slowly. It's frustrating as hell. I've spent the last several days sincerely wondering, "The day isn't over yet?" or "Really, it's only _ o'clock?" It would be barely 10 P.M. and I would decide to go to sleep simply because I didn't feel like being awake anymore.
Ugh. I'm sick of just sitting around and twiddling my thumbs. Maybe it's a good thing that school is starting soon, after all. Because I'm pretty sick of being stuck in this hole in the ground. Goddamn. The shame is, while time can stop and piss me off all it wants, there's definitely no winding it back. I'm just going to have to truck on, add to my hearty repertoire of hardships, and just get over it.
Fuck, Christa. You're so frustrating sometimes.
I just catch myself waiting, wondering, worrying
about some silly things that don't add up to nothin'.
- Tom Petty
-+-
There's now five days before school starts, which also means that there's less than one week left of my summer of craziness, productivity, fulfillment, endearment, support, change, self-improvement, and motivation. All of the above were filled with both heedless ambition, and good old-fashioned unexpected twists and turns.
At the end of the day, I'm juggling between the things that I regret and the things that just make my day. There's no way that I can say that over the last ten weeks, I've had no regrets. We all know about the heartbreak that I went through, about the depression that I had to overcome. Honestly, I'm better now. It's enough that sometimes I can sincerely hardly believe that I ever endured all that strife. But I'm not perfect, and I won't pretend that I haven't stumbled along the way. But I won't disregard a second of it. I don't believe in living in ignorance anymore. I refuse to go, "I don't care, I don't give a shit," and call it a day.
My break-up and my depression feel like... they're yesterday's news now. They are nothing compared to everything that I have accomplished since then. They're a blur now. I feel like I shut the door behind me, and I threw away the key. There's no looking back anymore. Now, I've got nothing on my mind except what's ahead of me.
I used to respond to mistakes and criticism with shattered self-esteem, but now all I do is use it to improve myself. Now, I always try bounce back into an even better person for making that mistake. I used to defeat every compliment, but now I use it as fuel, to motivate myself to never lose momentum. The songs that I couldn't stand because they reminded me of older times, they've become palatable again. I'm making it.
School is going to start, and I'm going to have to start managing my time to fit the most intensive part of my experiment protocol, keeping up with my internship, keeping up with school work, expanding my repertoire of extracurricular activities, and maintaining all of the friendships that I've formed over the course of summer, all at the same time. After the last two years, I know how difficult and demanding that's going to be. But hopefully, I can do it. I'm a smart cookie, I'm a hard worker, and I'm overall awesome. But that's not enough for me. I want to be extraordinary. So I'm believing in myself, but cross your fingers for me!
I'm shooting for the stars. The only difference is that this time around, none of it sounds impossible. I know what I'm capable of now, and no part of it sounds unfeasible.
Or should I say... I'm gonna catch 'em all!
XD
</lame>
Our lives are made in these small hours,
these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate.
- Rob Thomas
-+-
I've actually had a pretty wonderful, restful (at least mentally restful), and insightful break!
It was my sole vacation, and then I'll be in the lab straight through the start of school from here on out. In spite of how late I'm staying up to wind down and blog, I'm initiating two fairly momentous protocols tomorrow; the entire lab gave me a heads up that I'll be working really hard with Fabio from here on out. "Rest up, because you're taking a break compared to when you start creating your insulin-producing cells!" I'm kind of in disbelief that classes are starting in a week. And I say this all the time, but I'm going to go so emo when I have to be in the lab less. :[
HANG IN THERE, MY CELL CULTURES~
-+-
But srsly, can anyone else believe that it's really only been two months since Phuc broke up with me? I mean, a lot of stuff has happened in the last two months.
I daresay that not a single thing has happened that didn't drive towards my pledge for self-improvement. I've wasted no time, and I'm kind of dumbfounded that I actually have quite a bit to showcase for all that effort. My self-esteem has improved, my ambition has been rejuvenated and then some, I've become a bit of a "social butterfly," I've formed a lot of networking connections, and my depression has subsided for a record-breaking eight weeks now. I mean, sure, sometimes I'm a heartbroken mess. And of course I would pursue being more modest and humble about it, but I'm just really kind of too super hardcore amazed to not admit that good shit is happening.
"Christa, sometimes, life-changing things happen. This is one of them."
It's really kind of weird actually sitting down and thinking about all the ways that I've improved as a person: emotionally, socially, and academically. And when I get some goddamn free time, I'll add physically to that list. =___= *JIGGLES ALL MY CHUB AROUND*
ANYHOO:
For one, I'm finally realizing that, like... people are actually kind of invested in me. I used to think that Phuc was the only person in the world that cared about me, but now I'm a little taken aback by just how many people have been there for me since Phuc broke up with me.
Honestly, it really means the world to me, from both the people that are aware of what I'm going through and those who don't. But my eyes are more open now. I mean... I'm still the best friend of my best friend after all of these years living apart. I got a spontaneous care package in the mail from my friend in high school, and it was so touching that I cried. My mentor of my youth heard about my break-up, and e-mailed me with the most amazing amounts of support and sincerity.
Wow. I mean, like, wow. It's weird knowing that I went through so many years of just crippling low self-esteem and loneliness, but like. Damn. People care about me?!?! Where the hell have I been?!
It's kind of weird remembering/realizing/learning that... I actually have a place in people's hearts. I was driving home, and saw a car in front of me almost get into an accident, and flipped my shit wondering what if that happened to me. And it was weird to conceive the simple notion that people would care. And for once, I actually truly accepted that. If something happened to me, then people would care. It's kind of intuitive for most people, but for me, that was a really shocking revelation. A lot of people care about me. A lot of people wish the best for me. A lot of people are worried about my well-being, and a lot of people are there to support me.
And it hit me: as much as I don't feel alone anymore, the reality is, I've never actually been alone.
Man.
Not bad, life. Not bad.
Now the roots are reminiscing.
Recurring dreams of minor chords,
metered time;
muted chimes find the beat.
- Maria Taylor
-+-
I'm going to take a break.
The last two months have been extraordinarily strenuous, yet enormously fulfilling.
Sometimes, things just suck. Easy and simple as that. They suck. Frankly, I was thrown off a cliff two months ago, and found myself at the bottom of my life. But for the last two months, I've been clawing my way back up. My fingers bled to the bone, but goddamn it, I'm making it. And I'm going to just keep climbing, until I find myself on much higher mountains that I've never reached before. I have my eyes on the stars, and I'm going to go for them, and if I fall, then damn it, I'll fall trying.
For the last two months, people keep telling me that it's okay to be sad. They always told me that it's okay to take a few days, a few weeks, even a few months to just entertain my sadness and cry on my own shoulder. I never listened. I never listened, and I'm okay with that. Instead, I just worked towards improving myself from day one. And two months later, my footsteps are starting to form everywhere. But I'm not going to stop there. I'm going to keep moving until I'm building skyscrapers. I learned that New Christa (unlike Old Christa), well, she's not full of bullshit. She just doesn't waste time. She's a fighter. I've worked hard for where I am now.
In fact, I think I just got kicked out of the lab today... for working too hard. I told everyone today that I would be taking some time off for the next few days. And I was going to just hang out today, finish my chores and type up my protocols until the end of the work day, but instead, my lab manager just yelled at me, "CHRISTA I SWEAR, GET OUT OF HERE AND START YOUR BREAK," so he and my post-doc pretty much just made me stop working and go home!
I left the lab in absolute smiles and laughter. It was my first time feeling very joyous over getting thrown out of somewhere. I've been working hard, and little did I know: it shows. I told my lab manager I was leaving, and while he's normally a total hardass to me, he just gave me the proudest smile, "Good."
And it's actually going to be really weird next week, not being in the lab on a weekday. For the last two months, I've been in the lab for about fifty hours a week minimum, sixty hours a week optimum, even though I was committed to only forty hours a week through my internship, and even though my internship already ended last Friday. I'm currently the only person in my program that's still working in the lab.
But today, I'm going to take a break.
I've come a long way these past nine weeks, and I daresay that I deserve it. I'm going to take a break from fighting, I'm going to take a break from climbing, and I'm going to take a few days to just…
chill out.
c: