July 31, 2011

  • Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.

    - The Postal Service 

    -+-

    I'm feeling at my lowest right now.

    I guess I have no one to blame but myself, but I feel like I've just been overtaken by a wave of revelation, and it's killing me.

    I don't even know what to say.  I've been sitting here for an hour just trying to decide on what to say, and it's impossible.  I've always had a problem with jumping to conclusions and saying unwieldy things without thinking it through.  But I'm not proud anymore, and I know when I need to sit things out.

    The only thing I can say with certainty is that I feel and perceive differently now.  I feel like some questions have been answered, and entirely new ones are being asked.  I just know that my dreams feel different now.  My heart feels different now.

    I spent some time bawling my soul out, and I even spent some time convinced that I was going to relapse into depression.  But only so much time can be wasted on things I can't do anything about.  I'm feeling stricken, but I can't let this faze me.  I don't know how to feel, what to do, what to think, but I just know that I can't just drop everything to coddle and exacerbate my heartbreak.  

    I just know that after every tumble, I must get back up, and I can't lose sight of my ultimate goal: getting better.  And this is nothing but a tumble.  My heart is  freshly broken, but I know what my priorities are.  I need to keep myself together, and I need to keep my head in the game.

    Now, I'm just crossing my fingers, just praying for the day that I get better.

    I have to get better.