So I just needed to grow a pair.

"Christa... who cares?   He's your ex.  That's the thing, you don't need to care about him anymore, that's his loss that he made when he broke up with you.  You're just seeing it from the perspective that you're used to, but you need to see it from a new one.  You just need to concentrate on yourself, and on what you're doing."

Then, just like that, I came back down to earth.

Thank baby Jesus.

It was hard to hear, but I was thankful, because it got me back to my senses.  I was having a hard weekend, hard as hell, but I'm feeling like I'm back on track again.  I've been thinking about Phuc all week, in a variety of ways: longing, worry, wonder, anger, criticism, confusion, fondness, sadness, concern, sympathy.  And as hard as it is, as cruel and selfish as it seems to me right now, the only way I'm going to get through the rest of summer is if I concentrate on myself.  As much as I wonder about how he's doing, there's nothing, nothing, I can do for him.  He broke up with me, and now he refuses to even be civil with me, so this has to be the necessary consequence.  I can think of him and worry for him and long for him all I goddamn want, but none of that is going to get to him, so I need to start accepting that there's nothing I can do for him.  As hard as it is for me, and as much as I want to be with him in the upcoming weeks, I need to focus on myself and what I'm going through.  Or else there's no way I'll be able to get through the rest of summer.

I can point fingers at everyone else as much as I want, but in the end, there's only one person in the entire world that matters when it comes to my feelings, my thoughts, and my self-esteem, and that's me.  People can be as thoughtless and immature as they want to me, but in the end, the only way that it can make me depressed and affect my self-esteem is if I let it.  These people never knew me, at all, on any significant level; I know myself much better than anyone, so if I say I'm awesome and they say I'm a bad girlfriend, who am I going to believe?  Why did I ever think it made sense to believe them?  And I was an idiot and I let it get to me, and I actually became a bad girlfriend because I was so obsessed with that criticism, obsessed to the point that I cried at night just playing it over and over in my head, and now look at where I am: an alone, emo chicka.

It never would have mattered if I didn't let it.  At least I know I'm cool.  Isn't that what really matters?

Phuc was never the one making me feel insignificant.  As thoughtless as he was, there was no point in blaming Phuc.  I was the one making myself feel insignificant.  I'm the one making this harder for myself, and I'm the only person responsible for that.  As much as it sucks when people put me down, and as much as it's great when people support me, my self-esteem is really no one's problem but my own.

So I'm going to grow a pair and own up to it:  I placed blame on the wrong person.  I was the one that was letting someone else determine my self-esteem, and I'm the only person I can blame for that.  So I apologize for losing sight of the bigger picture, and for losing sight of the finish line.

It's just time to pick myself back up.

You'll just have to get through this on your own, Christa.  You don't have Phuc anymore, and he doesn't have you anymore.  This is just something you'll have to do on your own.  You're going to have to concentrate on yourself if you're going to get through this.  And you can do it.  You can do it.  You've got this.

Sometimes, I'm a heartbroken, immature, senseless, rash, arrogant, irrational girl.

But now there are other times, where I'm just all grown-up.

I knew you had it in you, Christa.