Day: July 30, 2011

  • If I ever start to think straight,
    this heart will start a riot in me. 

    - Paramore

    -+- 

    Well, narrowly got through that 28th! (sigh)

    So things are getting pretty complicated.  

    If nothing else, it was easier to describe myself and my situation two months ago.  "I'M EMO," the end.  Now, I'm actually not quite sure what/who/where I am.

    In most ways, I'm just surprisingly confident and sure about my short-term goals: boss at work, boss at making friends, and boss at self-improvement.  Proudly, I'm making excellent time and progress on all three.  Fresh than a motherf-

    In other aspects of my life (lol, i'll give you three guesses), I just don't know what I'm doing, at all, whatsoever.  Not even close.  I'm just so confused -- I'm somehow both a naïve dreamer and a hard cynic at the same time.  It's hard to make a gameplan when you don't even know what the game is.  I'm covering all my bases by just assuming and expecting the worst all the time, and that's admittedly making things harder for me.  SO MUCH OPTIMISM, I KNOW, IT'S AMAZING

    I'd trust my intuition, but my intuition has only done me wrong.  "Christa, it's probably best if you don't do that," is what I hear on a weekly basis these days.  It's a good thing that my friends are more rational than me, or else who knows what kind of pit I'd be digging myself into by now? 

    But over the last two months, one of the more strenuous things that I've demanded of myself is to completely change some of my typical mindsets, e.g. my awful intuition, and the way that I am, well, assuming and expecting the worst all the time, lol.  Some of them have been surprisingly easy, like: "Stop thinking that I'm the suckiest person in the world", or "Stop assuming that everyone hates me and that therefore there's no use in trying to make friends."  Others have been really hard and are still in progress, like, "Phuc's not mine anymore," and, "Things will get better."

    It's weird to be so hopeful and ambitious and yet be so pessimistic at the same time.  Some moments, I feel better than I've ever been, and other moments, I just can't stop crying.  aka, ">_____<?!?!!!!???"

    I should do what other girls do and just blame everything on my period. 

    LOL