Same old story, not much to say;
hearts are broken everyday.
- Jewel
-+-
Scars are unpredictable.
Sometimes, you fall down and scrape your knee, and it'll heal flawlessly within a few weeks. Other times, it takes a few months or even a few years before it finally starts to vanish.
And then, there are those scars where you got them a lifetime ago, yet they still remain as a constant reminder of the story behind each one. I got these scars on my elbows when I was six, and I just had a major faceplant on the driveway in front of my house. I got this scar on my hand when I was twelve, and I was trying to get my tennis ball that got caught in a rose bush.
I don't know what kind of scar Phuc left on me when he broke up with me, and that worries me. If I'll heal in months, or in years, or even if I'll ever heal.
It's to the point where sometimes, I'm sincerely concerned that I'll never really love again. It's probably common for girls that get totally dumped (like me) to say that, and you're probably sending me waves of, "gurl, wutchu talkin' 'bout, iz only been 2 months, jus' gib it time bebbeh, u gon' be ok don't worry!!!!" And that's absolutely reasonable, and I'd be just stoked if I could recover from this.
But come on, we've all watched the last Harry Potter movie.
"Always," said Snape.
What if someday, I meet someone really great, but I can't commit because I'm still in love with Phuc? What if someday, I'm standing at the alter with someone else, but in my heart, I'm still in love with Phuc?
Like, it was cool that we were together for six years, I mean that's a long time and kudos to us and all, but this is the consequence of being happy with a boy for so long only to get your heart broken:
"Yeah, we've been together for almost three years!"
Everyone else: "Woww that's super long, yay for you two!"
In my head: "PSSHHH THAT'S NOTHING I WAS WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR SIX YEARS WHEN HE DUMPED ME, SO WHATEVER, DOESN'T MATTER HOW HAPPY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST GONNA BREAK UP EVENTUALLY, ASSHOLES"
So, spoiler alert, I've been having a hard time coping with this break-up. Sometimes, I don't know how long I've been crying, or how long I've been trying to fall asleep. I can't count how much I keep getting reminded of Phuc, and how hard it's been to keep myself from trying to contact him. I don't know how much time I've spent remembering us, remembering his face and his smile and his laugh, or how much time I've daydreamed about how things would be if we were still together. These past two months have been so hard that I don't know if I'd be willing to make this gamble again in the future. To give my heart to a boy, knowing that no matter how many years we have between us, it'll just end up with my heart being crushed. I really don't know if I'd be willing to go through this again. To know that even though I could feel safe and secure for years and years, even though I'd still get butterflies in my tummy every time I saw him no matter how long we've been together, even though we shared so many plans and so many dreams,
"I don't think we should be together anymore."
Every time I think about that moment, that moment where my heart stopped and my soul left my body, I wonder if I'll ever love again. If I'll ever love without fear again, knowing that a, "I don't think we should be together anymore," could happen at any time, at any moment, no matter how secure I may feel, no matter how many years of joy we've shared together. How long will it take before I ever let my walls down again? How long will it take before I stop missing Phuc so much? In fact, will I ever really stop loving Phuc?
It's almost impossible for me to conceive that Phuc has really stopped loving me, but there is absolutely nothing that even hints at otherwise. Yet it just seems so impossible, when I keep thinking about that day:
"At night, when I go to sleep, I close my eyes and I pretend I'm holding you while you fall asleep, and I would wish that it could reach you, and that you could feel me holding you. And then we wouldn't have to miss each other anymore, because it would be like we're lying next to each other again."
"Phuc,
I felt it."
I still do.
I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling it.