July 26, 2011
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For Sincerity
If this were the last slow curling of your fingers in my palm,
if this were the last I felt you breathing, how would I carry on?- Vienna Teng
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There's a lot of mystery in life.
There were so many tiny details that went into how Phuc and I met, that it truly convinced both of us that we were meant to be. Preceding the events that led to our break-up, we used to truly believe (and we would tell each other only in whispers, as we were in denial of such a cliché hope) that we might be soul mates. Ironically, between the two of us, he was the first to say this shared belief to me aloud. He told me about the little things that I would do that would just fit him, that kept reaffirming his belief that I was his soul mate.
At least it was his belief until, "There's something missing now."
It's strange looking back.
It's strange looking back, and knowing that it was only less than two months ago. It was only two months ago that I held my breath as I closed my eyes to go to sleep, and it was only two months ago that despite being surrounded by love, I felt immeasurably alone. It was only two months ago that I felt both the gentle touch of a boy's fingers between my own, and I felt the pain of depression hovering over my head and pulsating in my hands.
And two months later, I suddenly realized something phenomenal.
I realized…
I'm at a good place right now.
In the same way that there were so many tiny details that went into meeting Phuc, there were so many tiny details in our break-up that were necessary for me to be where I am right now.
I still sometimes just break into tears, into just a really pitiful wreck of a girl, just crying over lost love. And huge spoiler alert, I'm sure no one saw this coming, huge shocker, but I miss Phuc.
ORLY
But other than my heartbreak, I think that possibly, almost everything else that weighted me walking into this break-up… has been resolved. My depression is gone -- I always used to relapse within a month, and right now, a month and a half later, I just feel great. Whenever I feel like I'm falling, there's always support, and I would always pick myself back up, and I would just keep going. I used to think about the meaninglessness of everything I do, so what's the point in even trying, but now… now, I can't stop thinking about the future. I don't feel alone anymore. Where I used to feel like there isn't a soul in the world I could talk to besides Phuc, I now feel so amazingly supported by both old and new friends.
Can you imagine?
Phuc used to be so frustrated with me, so concerned with me, that I didn't have any friends besides him. I mean, I did, but not anyone that I would really just talk to on a regular basis besides my roommate, who just transferred to another school. But now, we'd all just lie there in the grass on our backs, staring at the stars, making plans for adventures together. And I was kind of like, "And I'm included?" It was really different for me, something I hadn't experienced with anyone other than my family and Phuc since high school. That sincere plan-making to just.. make memories together.
I feel like I've been searching for sincerity ever since I first moved to Merced, and I'm finally feeling it again. I was at a hardwood supply store with a friend, just talking about how we wanted to paint our future homes. And as we stood there in the paint section, I told her, "It doesn't matter how long it takes, it doesn't matter where we are in our lives when it happens, but the day that you get a house, you call me, and I will go to wherever you are and I will help you paint your house." And her eyes welled up, "But what if I move away to Hong Kong?" and I replied, "Then you know what? I'll be there."
And I meant it. I meant every word. And it was just a breath of fresh air for me.
And yet it's so hard not being with Phuc. It's been so hard since he left me. I can barely describe how difficult it's been, but right now I'm trying to focus on the silver linings. It's been so hard. But there is one thing that I can recognize:
I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.
It was an overwhelming struggle to get here, but this enormous cascade of both huge and little things that just lined up, just right, that all came together to make me relive such sincerity, to just re-encounter all of the passion and enthusiasm for life that I once thought was long-gone… who am I to cast that away as coincidence?
In the past, Phuc and I told each other, "No matter what happens to us, it doesn't matter if we stay together and get married or if we break up someday, but no matter what, I know that I'm meant to be with you right now. All I know is that being with you right now… this is where I'm supposed to be."
And if in the future, Phuc and I are supposed to find ourselves in each other's hearts again, then that's where life will take me. I'll be where I need to be. I miss him so much, but I just know that it's not something that I can force. I miss him, but I just know that it's something out of my hands now. It'll happen if it's supposed to happen. If not, ...
All I know is that, no matter what happens in the future, right now, I'm where I'm supposed to be.
And I'm just going to keep going.
...Now if only I can stop crying so much over getting dumped. LOL.