I've managed a lot in the last month and a half.  My depression has subsided, I've made a lot of friends, and I was on the slow uphill journey towards getting over Phuc.

Was.

The more I know that I can be strong, the more disappointed I am in myself when I'm not.

I really wonder if he's doing this to me deliberately. When I'm getting better, then somehow he shoves me back into the floor to pick myself back up.  When I'm using every ounce of strength just towards putting my life back together, and then somehow he cripples me, and breaks my heart all over again.  Since the day that he broke up with me, I have always given him the benefit of the doubt: that this was my fault.  That it is, without a shadow of a doubt, my fault that we're over.  But sometimes, when he keeps pushing me down like this, I start to wonder.  My heart is shattered, and now every moment spent alone has been a moment spent crying, and I wonder.  All I want to do, all I want to do, the only thing I want is to get better, and I wonder.  When I'm crying so much that my chest hurts and it's hard to breathe, all because of this boy that just won't let me catch a break, that's when I wonder, how much of all of this was really my fault.

I spend day in and day out trying to improve my self-esteem, and then he makes me feel so goddamn dispensable.  I try to be confident, and then he makes me feel so goddamn inferior.  I don't get it.  I don't get why he would disrespect me so much, when he's the one that left me, telling me during our last conversation,  "I still love you, and I still care about you."  Does he?  When he's saying these thoughtless things that hurt me, I wonder, does he really?  When he says he picks his words carefully, knowing how much they can hurt people, I wonder, when I've spent the last few days just absolutely crushed and heartbroken, does he really?  It's one thing to make me wonder if he ever thinks about me anymore, but it's another thing entirely to just make me feel like I'm garbage.  Like we did spend years together, but good thing I'm gone, because I was just a replaceable, fat, depressed, uptight bitch anyway.  I don't get it.  All I'm trying to do is get better after he left me.  I try to feel special and then he makes me feel like I'm nothing.  I try to feel spectacular and then he makes me feel like I'm nothing.  I don't understand why he's doing this.  I know that I'm not nothing, but why is that even something that I need to convince myself of?  Why is that even something that people are trying to convince me of otherwise?  I know I'm not nothing.  I know I'm not nothing.  But why do I even need to tell myself this?  It shouldn't even be a question.  I know I'm not nothing.  God, and I was getting so much better.  Now I'm at a standstill where I actually need to remind myself that I'm not nothing.

Is this really the same person that learned my favorite piano piece just so he could play it for me?  It can't be, because I wanted that man with my entire heart.

He was the man of my dreams, but now I don't know who this boy is.

I just flood with disappointment in myself every time that I let him make me weak.  I didn't want to cry, but I did.  I cried so much and I hated myself for it.  Christa, why are you crying?  You're stronger than this.  You're more than this.  You're better than this.  But sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I'm not, and I just get so disappointed in myself.  It's okay to be sad, right?  But sometimes, it really doesn't feel like it is.  Sometimes, I just get so disappointed in myself for letting myself get crippled like this, that it really doesn't feel like it is.

I just have to remind myself, that I'm going to get better.  I got through this pain before, I'm going to get through it again.

I have to remember that I am amazing, and there is nothing that he can say that is going to change that.  All he is doing is letting a fantastic girl slip through his fingers.  A month and a half ago, I was willing to do anything to get him back.  But now, I feel like he's the one that'll have to grow up when he realizes how fantastic I am and realizes how much he wants me back.  Because I'm kind of awesome, as much as he tries to convince me otherwise. 

Or at least whatever the hell will help me sleep at night.  Goddammit.

Christa, you've got this.

Just keep your head in the game.