"Christa, you should make friends that you can talk to."
"Phuc, you say that as if it was easy.  Like I can just go and somehow just instantly find friends.  If it was that easy, then I'd have friends right now.  It's easy for you, because you're so popular, but I'm not.  And it really sucks that you're saying that like it's easy, because that makes it all the more heartbreaking that I still don't have any friends at college."
"But if you just be yourself, then people would see the Christa that I see, and they'd love you like I love you."
"You don't get it.  It's so hard for me, Phuc.  It's so hard."

The punchline is that he ended up dumping me.  LOL.  Too soon??!??!?

-+-

It's different this time.  It's only been a month, but I can feel it.  I can feel the permanence in this the same way that I felt so much permanence when Phuc broke up with me.  It's happened many times before, but it feels different this time.  It feels like... it's real.

A month ago, this reality took place in the form of heartbreak, of a girl whose heart was crushed by a boy she loved.  She used to break up with him in fleeting moments of depression and sadness, but they never felt as real as the day when he took her hand, and told her so quietly, so gently, "I don't think we should be together anymore."  And she felt it.  That this time, it was really over.

A month later, I feel it again.  This permanence.  This reality.  But instead, I feel it in the friendships that I have been forming.  

I've never had a problem making friends in my classes, but I had so much trouble maintaining them.  Since high school, almost all of my friendships have been fleeting.  We would have a class together, and become great friends, then instantly lose touch with each other as semesters ended and new ones began, as friends transferred out and stopped keeping in contact.  It got to the point where my mantra became, "It's not like we're going to stay friends for very long anyway."  Wash, rinse, and repeat for six years.

Until now.

The friendships that I've formed are yet to face the test of time, but just like when Phuc broke up with me, it just really feels different this time.  Like for once, it's actually going to last.  The way that we just enjoy each other's company when we're lying on her couch, watching episodes of Masterchef and So You Think You Can Dance together, like we've been doing this forever.  The way that we all go out grocery shopping together and cook together, like a family.  The way that he puts his arm around my shoulder and teases me about what a nerd I am, telling me that I'm like a sister to him.  The way everyone is so excited when I tell them that I'll attend their dinner party.  The way that people just stop and chat with me for an hour when we bump into each other in the halls.

It just feels different.  It just feels great.  It feels like I've finally made friends.

I'm so busy now, and I love it.  Right after lab, I usually have just enough time to drop off my things at home before I go out and spend time with the friends that I've made, then by the time I get home, it's already time to go to sleep.  So different from the shy, frightened, unmotivated Christa of the last several years.  I used to get so tired of it all, but now it's just part my regular day-to-day schedule: just be awesome all day.  I used to spend everyday at Merced just waiting for the next time that I could get away from Merced.  And now, I'm actually dreading the days that I'll have to go home and be separated from all my friends at Merced.  I feel like after the last two years, I'm the absolutely last person you would expect to hear those words from.

"Christa, we've barely met, but I really feel like I just found my best friend."
"Christa, I just love hanging out with you, you just tackle life with so much gusto!"
"Christa, I just can't help but smile whenever I talk to you."
"Dork, you don't have to keep asking if we're friends, of course we are!"

I feel like I've finally arrived.

The funny thing is, it turns out that Phuc was right all along.  

I used to have a nonstop cycle for my first two years at college -- go to class, go back to my dorm, go online, and just be an introvert forever.  But for the last month, I honestly just go out and I really do just somehow instantly find friends.  But it was hard at first.  For the first two weeks, it was among the most daunting challenges of my life.  Socializing is such a difficulty for me; it's up there with getting over my depression and getting over being dumped by Phuc.  But for several weeks, I forced myself so much to be more extroverted than the last six years combined.  I would wake up in the mornings, just tired of being this character, of being this person that is so much more than I could possibly be.  I was tired of being this girl that can just make friends with everyone around her, this dream of a girl that I could only wish to really be.  This optimistic, idealistic girl that was so much more confident than I was.  This straightforward girl that was so comfortable with herself and could actually take a compliment.  This elegant girl with her sincere smile, so eager to meet new people and have new experiences.  This completely spazzy, adorable girl that just couldn't get enough of life, that faced every challenge and tackled any adventure with just amazing enthusiasm.

And without knowing when it happened, I suddenly realized that I just wasn't acting anymore.  I wasn't forcing myself anymore.  And I realized that I was the girl that I was trying to be.  I stopped waking up tired of being some character, because the more I got to know myself, I realized that I was never pretending.  I was trying harder, I was truly exerting myself, but I was never pretending.  This entire time, that girl was really just.. me.  It all came back to me, how once upon a time, I used to actually be this idealistic and self-motivated.  She was so hidden behind years of fear and depression and nervousness and pessimism, that it took all my strength and all my digging to finally find her again.  While I was meeting my friends, it was like I was meeting myself again too.  

I told Phuc that it was hard for me to make friends, and it really was.  It was hard as hell.  I would cry in the middle of the day, just so frustrated with how hard it was for me.  But another thing I truly learned the hard way this past month, is how strong I can be.  So it was hard as hell, but you know what?  I just needed to conquer it, so that's what I did.  I just needed to fight tooth and nail, so that's what I did.  I just needed to climb back up from the bottom of this cliff that I threw myself into years ago, so that's what I did.  I would just be so tired and so anxious, but I told myself, "Okay, so it's hard, it's stressful, and it's sucks.  Deal with it.  You have to do this to get better."  And now, being awesome is just another part of my day.  LIKE. A. BOSS.

I've always had so much anxiety, shyness, and fear when it came to making friends, but it turned out the secret was never a secret all along.  Turns out, I was just discovering myself, meeting myself, and being myself all along, and that resulted in meeting some really great people, and creating some amazing friendships that I have every intent on maintaining.  But totally, sucks to be anyone that just dumped me and therefore lost the best girl ever.  Wink!  Did anyone catch that subtle reference to Phuc, LOL?  Too soon?!??!???  "If you just be yourself, then people would see the Christa that I see, and they'd love you like I love you."  Damn, bro.  Evidently, accurate and ironic. get it cuz he dumped me

So, all I had to do was discover how awesome I can actually be.  And now I just need to keep working, I need to keep trying, I need to never stop moving.

Done and done.