The university bus system is really screwing with all my plans to be awesome.
I make it through research, and I make it when I’m trying to socialize more, and recently I even make it during my hard days trying to deal with missing Phuc, but then it's time to take the bus and all of the sudden I'm just epic fail. “Oh, I'll leave lab right now and I'll barely make the bus on time!” More like barely miss it and then get stuck sitting in the hot sun for a half hour. Then today, I forgot a binder on the bus and that was more just amazingly epic fail. And sometimes I’m just really bad at reading the bus schedule and then I show up at the bus stop half an hour early because I was looking at the wrong time on the schedule. The schedule is really not that complicated at all, but I still find ways to read it incorrectly. It’s really almost impressive how many different ways I have managed to fail in regards to the bus. Long story short, ihu bus.
But whatevs. There's my amazing, seamless transition to the next topic. "But whatevs."
Well, as I described in my last post, I’m trying to realize that missing Phuc and longing for Phuc just has no value anymore. It’s useless, because there’s really nothing on my side that I can do anymore, short of driving up to Sacramento, and I'm weird but I'm not psycho. But every time I have ever tried to reach out to him, it has always been in naught. He never picks up, he never replies, just bullshit like that. There’s really nothing left that can be done on my side. I miss Phuc like hell, like hell, but that just doesn’t yield any progress. Everything that I could possibly do to reach out to Phuc has been done and has been unsuccessful. I’d lie in bed and cry all day about that like I used to, but that’s not bringing him back, and that’s not getting any of my readings done. So I get really pissed off at myself when I just sit around crying over Phuc, because I have a lot of readings to do for research. Lol! “Ho, get off your emo ass and read your textbook!”
Sigh, but whatever, y’know? Break-ups suck, what are you gonna do about it? The ball’s in his court, and it is a very idle ball in a very desolated, dusty, neglected court, but there’s just really nothing that I can do. Honestly, I’ll be real with you, a future together is still a very real future for me. So I’m entrusting myself to the long-forgotten ideals of fate and destiny, and I’m trying to be fairly, “Whatever happens, happens,” about Phuc and me now. Note, trying. It’s hard shit, y’know? I love the guy, I really do. As much as my life is changing, I still love him. It's hard not to think of a future with him.
UGH, I feel like I spend every post trying to articulate my attitude towards Phuc now, but you know, women are complicated. And I'm horrible with words, Phuc would know. God, trying tap into my feelings accurately and articulately has been like trying to find the Higgs boson. </nerd>
But it’s definitely not, “I hate life I miss Phuc so much the only thing I want in life is to have Phuc back” anymore. I guess, a semi-adequate explanation is, I’m finally starting to let time and fate do their job, but I’m not going down without a fight, nor am I going to just go crawling back to him like a super sad sloth. After all, I’ve got my entire life ahead of me. There’s just no time to slow down to miss a boy if it’s not going to do anything. All I can really do is keep bossin' and keep swaggin' until Phuc finally decides to reach out to me. But oh, how I miss that boy.
Basically, there’s just a lot of things that go into being awesome.
"I know what you're going through, it took me four years to get over my first break-up."
Finally, a realistic timeframe.
fml