UGH.  I'm so mad at myself.  I'm so so so so mad at myself right now.

I really miss Phuc right now, like heartbroken longing, can't get him out of my head type of bullshit.  And that just makes me so angry at myself.  

Christa, why are you wasting your time like this?  I'm trying to forget him, because I just don't need this anymore.  I don't need to sit here in the middle of the night, missing Phuc.  I don't need to be heartbroken anymore.  I have all of these memories and all of these questions and it is so frustrating, because I am just above this.  I'm so above this.  I don't know why I'm still letting it drag me down like this.  I don't know why I'm still sad in the middle of the night, why I still keep missing Phuc.  I wish I never let my walls down, I wish I never let Phuc into my heart, because in spite of everything, I just can't stop missing him.  Why am I letting moments of weakness slip through the cracks like this?  It's so frustrating.

I'm so mad at myself.

Because I am so much more than this.  I am so much more than this sad little girl that just mopes and whines.  I am so much more than this girl that just sits in her room crying.  I'm just so fucking amazing and I don't need anymore of it.  All this heartbreak, all this longing, all this sadness.  It's a joke, and I just don't need it anymore.  I don't need it.

I know that I am so much stronger than this.  Not in that, "boo-hoo i'm sad so i need to tell myself encouraging phrases" kind of way, but I'm very earnestly just so much stronger than this.  

I get out of bed in the morning, and I am just a star.  I am this new, fantastic person.  I look in the mirror and it's like I'm meeting myself again.  I can smile without faking it again.  The sparkle in my eyes is coming back again.  I have so much going for me.  I have so many bright hopes for the future, I have so much ambition and so many ideals.  And it's all attainable to me.  The more that I work, the more that I surpass everyone around me, the more I realize that I have so much potential.  It's all within my reach, and the only reason it's true is because I am Christa.  If I keep up my hard work, if I keep pushing forward, then I will  create a nearly limitless future for myself.  If I want to change the world, then I will change the world.

I look back at all my sorrows, at all my paranoia about people not liking me, driving me into so much anxiety that I would just break down and cry for hours.  And today, it's not a situation of, "But I have friends that do like me," or "But they don't even know me!"  It's nothing conditional, even though both statements are probably true.  I just don't care about it anymore because it's just honestly beneath me.  It's not fear, it's not being self-conscious, it's not anxiety.  It's not ignorance, and it's not self-deception.  It's really just not worth my time.  I'm just so far above that.  I am the star of the story, and it's not worth wasting my time on such miniature things.  This break-up?  Honestly, compared to my growth, compared to my change, compared to my new perspectives, it's such a miniature thing.  This is why I am so frustrated with myself for even entertaining my longing for Phuc.  If Phuc is part of my future, then life will make it so.  But otherwise, it's just not worth my time.

I see myself, and my confidence is increasingly becoming effortless.  I'm getting less tired, during what has been nothing less than transforming myself.  It's slowly getting easier.  Sometimes, I still get the same shyness, the same nervous anxiety, the same fears, until I see the way that your expression just brightens when I walk into the room.  I would see each laugh, each smile, each moment of enthusiasm that happens because of me, and it just becomes so worth it, it's worth all of the hard work that I've been putting towards bettering myself.  And it's only been a month, yet it's already growing into second-nature: Just be awesome all day.

Someday, I'll finally be rid of these troublesome thoughts, that I now consider an irritating burden.  I don't need to mourn this break-up, because it's just not worth my time.  If we're meant to end up back together, then it'll happen.  Otherwise...  Either way, life will take me where I'm supposed to go.

It's almost laughable.  Phuc still thinks I'm this piece of baggage that will only get dragged around for the rest of my life, and he really just has no idea.  Fine, I don't know much about Phuc these days.  But he really just has no idea about me either.  He has no idea who I've become and what I've already achieved.  He really has no idea what he is missing out on.  He has the opportunity to meet one of the most extraordinary women that he can ever dream to meet, a Christa that is so unlike the Christa that he thought he knew, and he really just has no idea what he is missing.

Someday, Phuc will hear the rumors about the wonderful person that I've become. He'll wonder about me until he can't get me out of his head, until I'm the only thing he can think about.  It's not hope, it's not just some flimsy hypothetical.  No, I guarantee it.  Someday, he'll see just how amazing I am, and he'll just want to know more about this fantastic girl.  He'll miss me, long for me, and want nothing else but me.  

And to that, I will simply say: Phuc, eat your heart out.