July 5, 2011

  • I got lost today.

    In contrast to my recent posts about being metaphorically lost since Phuc broke up with me, I mean it very literally today.  I just finished a refreshing Independence Day weekend in San Jose, and when I was on the way back to Merced, I was completely lost.  

    Ever since I got my driver's license, I've had a reputation for being bad with directions.  Even after going somewhere a million times together, I would always still need Phuc to give me directions whenever I was behind the wheel.  For some reason, despite four years of knowing firsthand that I am really bad with directions, I never seem to learn my lesson.  Today was no exception.  I printed out the wrong directions to get back to Merced, but I thought, "I drive this all the time, I'm sure I can remember my way back."  Guess what?  I was wrong.  I got on quite a few incorrect freeways, and had to circle back to my starting point as a IRL reset button.  But after I finally gained some momentum, it wasn't long before I screwed up again: I was on the wrong freeway for an hour before I realized that I was on the wrong freeway.  A trip that normally took two hours, ended up taking double the time.

    I have no GPS, no smartphone, none of that fancy stuff.  I just had a Google Maps printout... of the wrong directions.  Luckily, I called my sister and Pat, and they helped point me where I should go to get back to Merced.  But I was on a road that I have never crossed in my life, in the middle of the night.  Or as I like to call it, "When all the crazies come out." And all I had was my bad sense of direction and my stuffed frog in the passenger seat.  I was terrified.  For the entire hour-long stretch of road, I was the only car on the road.  The cell phone reception was patchy, and I wasn't sure how long my gas levels would last me.  I was also extra afraid because of that insurance commercial informing me that July 4th is the single most dangerous day to drive in the entire year.  But the realization was essentially this: if anything happened to me, then no one would help me. My sister and Pat gave me directions, but the entire evening just reminded me of how bad I am with directions -- I kept missing turns and taking the wrong turns.  I was so afraid that I was driving for another hour down the wrong street, that I was sincerely wondering if I would make it back to Merced.

    It was windy, and I kept hearing random sounds from outside my car, unsure if it was animal or machinery.  Basically, I was scared out of my pants.  So at one point, I pulled over where it was was no less than nothing but fields and darkness as far as the eye could see.  I was so stressed out by all my fear and worries that I pulled over, and took a break to just handle myself.  I gently banged my head against the steering wheel in frustration, when I looked up through my windshield, and realized that I could see the stars really well.  My car was off, and the entire horizon was dark.  Then I realized that with zero light pollution, the stars could illuminate the entire sky.  I got out, and I just looked up.  And I was amazed.  It was the most I have ever seen the stars in the night sky in my entire life, and I was just amazed.  I grew up loving fireworks.  Every fourth of July, there was nothing I loved more than seeing fireworks illuminate the dark sky.  But for a moment, I saw a sky just amazingly saturated with stars, with faint clouds of light throughout, and it was a show like no other.

    And in that instant, I felt like life just happened to me.  By a complete accident, by a total mistake, I discovered absolute beauty.  In a moment of fear, worry, and distress, I still somehow discovered something that was really just beautiful.  So I just moved forward.  I trusted myself, and I drove, and drove, and drove.  

    I felt like I learned a lesson, other than double-check my goddamn google map before I print it out.  But as long as I keep moving forward, then life will just happen to me.  It's inevitable.  I'll go through fear and anxiety the whole time, but I still have to keep moving forward.  Shit will happen, like getting lost for two hours, but then amazing things will happen too, like a huge fireworks show courtesy of nature.  But either way, the only way I can experience any of it is by moving forward, or else life will just pass me by.  And I have no doubt in my mind that I am capable.

    And I'm excited.

    I can't wait to see what else life has in store for me.

    So spoiler alert: I got home safely.