When I first saw this on Postsecret several months ago in April, it resonated with me so much that I saved it and kept it close to my heart, and it became my own secret.

Since then, I knew that I was counting the days left that I had with Phuc.  I knew that my depression was taking its toll on both of us, so at some point, I started to just try to enjoy the days that we had left... the days that I had left.  I didn't want to argue anymore, I didn't want to think about the future anymore, because I became fully aware that it was only a matter of time before he would leave me, and it was only a matter of time before my future would stop existing.  I decided a long time ago, that the day he left me, would be the day that I would have nothing left to live for.

In a harsh, blunt, maybe shocking moment of honesty, I never planned on living long enough to see my college graduation.  This is my first time admitting that aloud to anyone, but that was true for a long time.  I never made any plans for the future with any sincerity, because I just never planned on living that long.  For a long time, I jumped through hoops to convince the very few people that knew I had depression that I was getting better, or showing improvement, or something like that.  Those that knew that I wasn't getting better, declined to approach me or waited for me to speak out first.  But if there is anything I've learned about an utterly hopeless depression, is that they will not approach you if they can help it, because they are convinced that there is no value to it, they are convinced that it is impossible to help them.  And unless you really push, they will shut you out until it actually is impossible to help them.  I made it impossible to help me.

I don't know which category Phuc was in, if he knew about my depression or just didn't want to know about my depression, but I just know that at some point, he simply gave up on me.  He used to push me to get better, until eventually, as I failed to improve, and as I even became worse, he just gave up.  He stopped asking me about my therapy sessions.  He even stopped asking about the bandages.  I couldn't blame him, but I knew it was time to start counting our days.  I felt it in our conversations, and I felt it every time I refused to talk about what was on my mind.  I heard his sighs.  I heard the frustration in his voice.  I saw his exasperation.  But I chose to ignore it all and shut myself into my one-track mind, the mind that could only focus on the very worst in life.

It was a extremely bitter cocktail of factors.  I also knew that he was going through so much, so much, that I didn't want to be another burden on his list, so I didn't want to mention anything on my mind to him.  ("Christa, I appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but really, can you just please tell me what's on your mind?" -- "No.")  I also felt that if I dare spoke my mind, it would just make things worse, both for our relationship and for my mental health.  I knew I didn't have that much time left, so I didn't want to waste it on arguing.  I didn't want to waste it on falling into a deeper depression, so I never spoke my mind. ("We're just going to argue, so no, I don't want to talk about it.  Can we just move on?") There were just so many things, so many reasons, that all added up to a refusal for communication, until I realized: he wasn't in a relationship with me anymore, but with my depression.

So I just held his hand and called him my baby and tried to enjoy the time that I had left with him, before he would leave me, and before I would leave this world.  At the time, I thought that I was trying to be strong for him.  But now that I actually know what strength feels like, I know that all I had for the last two years was utter weakness.

I just never expected that it would end so abruptly.  I thought I would get a warning when it was almost over, but nothing.  I was just happy.  And then,

"I don't think we should be together anymore."

'No, not yet, I'm not ready yet...'

But I spent half a year submitting to my depression, because I realized that I was hopeless.  I went to therapy, but I never stopped feeling like I was just prolonging the inevitable.  There was no use in fighting it, especially if I wasn't going to be living that much longer anyway.

"Phuc, I'm done."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I'm done, I'm just done. I'm done." 

That day just went so fast, and decisions were being made so quickly and so brashly.  I just know that I woke up in a blur of blood and pain, but I think we all saw that text coming.

"Thank you for everything. I love you."

I don't know what would've happened if I didn't pussy out that night.  Actually, I do.  But now, at this point in my life, a mere two months later, I don't even want to say it, I don't want to breathe it, I don't want the thought to even cross my mind.  

I just know that everything changed that night.

The person that I am today, it wasn't driven by the day that Phuc broke up with me, but rather, it was what happened the day after, in the middle of the night.  Now that, that was the absolute lowest I have ever been in my life.  Lying there, in pain and in fear, falling in and out of consciousness, with my mother crying in panic next to me.  That's the moment that it became real to me.  That's the moment that I truly hit rock bottom, and I never want to see that place ever again.

I never truly understood that phrase before, "No where else to go but up."  But that's where I'm going.

Now, I talk big about the improvements I've made over the last two months, but you never know the strength of the bridge you're building until you put it under a heavy weight.  And well, it really sucks how much I can't keep myself away from Phuc.  It's made life so much harder for me, and it's just another slap to the face every time I slip up and fall into weakness.  Sometimes, I feel like he's personally attacking me, and sometimes, I feel like he's beyond moved on from me.  But today, today, I felt such a unique, enormous amount of pain. It was the exact same pain that used to shove me into the fast track to relapsing into depression, the fast track to self-mutilation, and the fast track to suicidality, on not one, but on four separate occasions in the past.

But today...

I'm okay.

I'm so bewildered and horrified and sad and angry and elated and thankful at the same time.  It's like, when you fall off a cliff and you're so sure that you're meeting your death, and you're miraculously able to walk away.  It was horrible, it was so horrible to endure, but I've spent the last two months building bridges,  and I withstood the weight.  I withstood the weight of heartbreak, of pain, of attacks to my self-esteem, of attacks to my confidence, of attacks to my progress.  And yet, I still know deep down, that I'm going to be okay.

Two months ago, that would've driven me into relapse in a heartbeat, in a heartbeat.  On multiple occasions, it actually did.  But today, being able to walk away from that, it was the most real that my improvements have felt since Phuc left me.  I've been aware of my improvements, but today, they just feel so tangible.  And that's when it really hit me.  That truly, I'm so far from the same weak girl that I used to be.  I used to be so afraid that while everything I've been building has been gravy the last two months, that it would all crumble under the slightest weight.  I used to be afraid that I was fooling myself, that all my improvements have just been an illusion.

But no, it's real.

So I'm sharing that card from Postsecret today because... it's not some secret close to my heart anymore.  By posting it here, I feel like I'm throwing it to the wind now.  It's a memory now.  It's my past now.  Before, it meant something special to me.  But now, it's just another postcard.  

Whatever it was that I was clinging to, I'm wiping my hands clean of it now.

And I'm going to keep moving, until that beautiful day comes when I can surely and confidently say those amazing words, "I don't have depression anymore."

I don't know what's ahead of me.  I don't have the slightest clue about the future.  I take back every single claim I've made about my future, because everything that I thought about the future is out the window.  But that doesn't even matter anymore.  I'm excited, because it doesn't matter if my future holds wonders, or if it holds more heartbreak and pain.  I'm realizing that's not the point.  None of that matters.  I just know that I'm done counting the days.  I just know that my future is real to me now, and that simple concept is just absolutely breathtaking to me.

I just know that whatever the future holds, 

I'll be there.

Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.

- The Postal Service 

-+-

I'm feeling at my lowest right now.

I guess I have no one to blame but myself, but I feel like I've just been overtaken by a wave of revelation, and it's killing me.

I don't even know what to say.  I've been sitting here for an hour just trying to decide on what to say, and it's impossible.  I've always had a problem with jumping to conclusions and saying unwieldy things without thinking it through.  But I'm not proud anymore, and I know when I need to sit things out.

The only thing I can say with certainty is that I feel and perceive differently now.  I feel like some questions have been answered, and entirely new ones are being asked.  I just know that my dreams feel different now.  My heart feels different now.

I spent some time bawling my soul out, and I even spent some time convinced that I was going to relapse into depression.  But only so much time can be wasted on things I can't do anything about.  I'm feeling stricken, but I can't let this faze me.  I don't know how to feel, what to do, what to think, but I just know that I can't just drop everything to coddle and exacerbate my heartbreak.  

I just know that after every tumble, I must get back up, and I can't lose sight of my ultimate goal: getting better.  And this is nothing but a tumble.  My heart is  freshly broken, but I know what my priorities are.  I need to keep myself together, and I need to keep my head in the game.

Now, I'm just crossing my fingers, just praying for the day that I get better.

I have to get better.

If I ever start to think straight,
this heart will start a riot in me. 

- Paramore

-+- 

Well, narrowly got through that 28th! (sigh)

So things are getting pretty complicated.  

If nothing else, it was easier to describe myself and my situation two months ago.  "I'M EMO," the end.  Now, I'm actually not quite sure what/who/where I am.

In most ways, I'm just surprisingly confident and sure about my short-term goals: boss at work, boss at making friends, and boss at self-improvement.  Proudly, I'm making excellent time and progress on all three.  Fresh than a motherf-

In other aspects of my life (lol, i'll give you three guesses), I just don't know what I'm doing, at all, whatsoever.  Not even close.  I'm just so confused -- I'm somehow both a naïve dreamer and a hard cynic at the same time.  It's hard to make a gameplan when you don't even know what the game is.  I'm covering all my bases by just assuming and expecting the worst all the time, and that's admittedly making things harder for me.  SO MUCH OPTIMISM, I KNOW, IT'S AMAZING

I'd trust my intuition, but my intuition has only done me wrong.  "Christa, it's probably best if you don't do that," is what I hear on a weekly basis these days.  It's a good thing that my friends are more rational than me, or else who knows what kind of pit I'd be digging myself into by now? 

But over the last two months, one of the more strenuous things that I've demanded of myself is to completely change some of my typical mindsets, e.g. my awful intuition, and the way that I am, well, assuming and expecting the worst all the time, lol.  Some of them have been surprisingly easy, like: "Stop thinking that I'm the suckiest person in the world", or "Stop assuming that everyone hates me and that therefore there's no use in trying to make friends."  Others have been really hard and are still in progress, like, "Phuc's not mine anymore," and, "Things will get better."

It's weird to be so hopeful and ambitious and yet be so pessimistic at the same time.  Some moments, I feel better than I've ever been, and other moments, I just can't stop crying.  aka, ">_____<?!?!!!!???"

I should do what other girls do and just blame everything on my period. 

LOL

Same old story, not much to say;
hearts are broken everyday.

- Jewel

-+- 

Scars are unpredictable.

Sometimes, you fall down and scrape your knee, and it'll heal flawlessly within a few weeks.  Other times, it takes a few months or even a few years before it finally starts to vanish. 

And then, there are those scars where you got them a lifetime ago, yet they still remain as a constant reminder of the story behind each one.  I got these scars on my elbows when I was six, and I just had a major faceplant on the driveway in front of my house.  I got this scar on my hand when I was twelve, and I was trying to get my tennis ball that got caught in a rose bush.

I don't know what kind of scar Phuc left on me when he broke up with me, and that worries me.  If I'll heal in months, or in years, or even if I'll ever heal.

It's to the point where sometimes, I'm sincerely concerned that I'll never really love again.  It's probably common for girls that get totally dumped (like me) to say that, and you're probably sending me waves of, "gurl, wutchu talkin' 'bout, iz only been 2 months, jus' gib it time bebbeh, u gon' be ok don't worry!!!!"  And that's absolutely reasonable, and I'd be just stoked if I could recover from this.

But come on, we've all watched the last Harry Potter movie.

"Always," said Snape.

What if someday, I meet someone really great, but I can't commit because I'm still in love with Phuc?  What if someday, I'm standing at the alter with someone else, but in my heart, I'm still in love with Phuc?

Like, it was cool that we were together for six years, I mean that's a long time and kudos to us and all, but this is the consequence of being happy with a boy for so long only to get your heart broken:

"Yeah, we've been together for almost three years!"

Everyone else: "Woww that's super long, yay for you two!"

In my head: "PSSHHH THAT'S NOTHING I WAS WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR SIX YEARS WHEN HE DUMPED ME, SO WHATEVER, DOESN'T MATTER HOW HAPPY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST GONNA BREAK UP EVENTUALLY, ASSHOLES"

So, spoiler alert, I've been having a hard time coping with this break-up.  Sometimes, I don't know how long I've been crying, or how long I've been trying to fall asleep.  I can't count how much I keep getting reminded of Phuc, and how hard it's been to keep myself from trying to contact him.  I don't know how much time I've spent remembering us, remembering his face and his smile and his laugh, or how much time I've daydreamed about how things would be if we were still together.  These past two months have been so hard that I don't know if I'd be willing to make this gamble again in the future.  To give my heart to a boy, knowing that no matter how many years we have between us, it'll just end up with my heart being crushed.  I really don't know if I'd be willing to go through this again.  To know that even though I could feel safe and secure for years and years, even though I'd still get butterflies in my tummy every time I saw him no matter how long we've been together, even though we shared so many plans and so many dreams,

"I don't think we should be together anymore."

Every time I think about that moment, that moment where my heart stopped and my soul left my body, I wonder if I'll ever love again.  If I'll ever love without fear again, knowing that a, "I don't think we should be together anymore," could happen at any time, at any moment, no matter how secure I may feel, no matter how many years of joy we've shared together.  How long will it take before I ever let my walls down again?  How long will it take before I stop missing Phuc so much?  In fact, will I ever really stop loving Phuc?

It's almost impossible for me to conceive that Phuc has really stopped loving me, but there is absolutely nothing that even hints at otherwise.  Yet it just seems so impossible, when I keep thinking about that day:

"At night, when I go to sleep, I close my eyes and I pretend I'm holding you while you fall asleep, and I would wish that it could reach you, and that you could feel me holding you.  And then we wouldn't have to miss each other anymore, because it would be like we're lying next to each other again."

"Phuc,

I felt it." 

I still do.

I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling it.

If this were the last slow curling of your fingers in my palm,
if this were the last I felt you breathing, how would I carry on?

- Vienna Teng

-+-

There's a lot of mystery in life.

There were so many tiny details that went into how Phuc and I met, that it truly convinced both of us that we were meant to be.  Preceding the events that led to our break-up, we used to truly believe (and we would tell each other only in whispers, as we were in denial of such a cliché hope) that we might be soul mates.  Ironically, between the two of us, he was the first to say this shared belief to me aloud.  He told me about the little things that I would do that would just fit him, that kept reaffirming his belief that I was his soul mate.

At least it was his belief until, "There's something missing now."

It's strange looking back.

It's strange looking back, and knowing that it was only less than two months ago.  It was only two months ago that I held my breath as I closed my eyes to go to sleep, and it was only two months ago that despite being surrounded by love, I felt immeasurably alone.  It was only two months ago that I felt both the gentle touch of a boy's fingers between my own, and I felt the pain of depression hovering over my head and pulsating in my hands.

And two months later, I suddenly realized something phenomenal.

I realized…

I'm at a good place right now.

In the same way that there were so many tiny details that went into meeting Phuc, there were so many tiny details in our break-up that were necessary for me to be where I am right now.

I still sometimes just break into tears, into just a really pitiful wreck of a girl, just crying over lost love.  And huge spoiler alert, I'm sure no one saw this coming, huge shocker, but I miss Phuc. 

ORLY

But other than my heartbreak, I think that possibly, almost everything else that weighted me walking into this break-up… has been resolved.  My depression is gone -- I always used to relapse within a month, and right now, a month and a half later, I just feel great.  Whenever I feel like I'm falling, there's always support, and I would always pick myself back up, and I would just keep going.  I used to think about the meaninglessness of everything I do, so what's the point in even trying, but now… now, I can't stop thinking about the future.   I don't feel alone anymore.  Where I used to feel like there isn't a soul in the world I could talk to besides Phuc, I now feel so amazingly supported by both old and new friends. 

Can you imagine?

Phuc used to be so frustrated with me, so concerned with me, that I didn't have any friends besides him.  I mean, I did, but not anyone that I would really just talk to on a regular basis besides my roommate, who just transferred to another school.  But now, we'd all just lie there in the grass on our backs, staring at the stars, making plans for adventures together.  And I was kind of like, "And I'm included?"  It was really different for me, something I hadn't experienced with anyone other than my family and Phuc since high school.  That sincere plan-making to just.. make memories together.

I feel like I've been searching for sincerity ever since I first moved to Merced, and I'm finally feeling it again.  I was at a hardwood supply store with a friend, just talking about how we wanted to paint our future homes.  And as we stood there in the paint section, I told her, "It doesn't matter how long it takes, it doesn't matter where we are in our lives when it happens, but the day that you get a house, you call me, and I will go to wherever you are and I will help you paint your house."  And her eyes welled up, "But what if I move away to Hong Kong?" and I replied, "Then you know what?  I'll be there."

And I meant it.  I meant every word.  And it was just a breath of fresh air for me.

And yet it's so hard not being with Phuc.  It's been so hard since he left me.  I can barely describe how difficult it's been, but right now I'm trying to focus on the silver linings.  It's been so hard.  But there is one thing that I can recognize:

I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.

It was an overwhelming struggle to get here, but this enormous cascade of both huge and little things that just lined up, just right, that all came together to make me relive such sincerity, to just re-encounter all of the passion and enthusiasm for life that I once thought was long-gone… who am I to cast that away as coincidence?

In the past, Phuc and I told each other, "No matter what happens to us, it doesn't matter if we stay together and get married or if we break up someday, but no matter what, I know that I'm meant to be with you right now.  All I know is that being with you right now… this is where I'm supposed to be."

And if in the future, Phuc and I are supposed to find ourselves in each other's hearts again, then that's where life will take me.  I'll be where I need to be.  I miss him so much, but I just know that it's not something that I can force.  I miss him, but I just  know that it's something out of my hands now.  It'll happen if it's supposed to happen.  If not, ...

All I know is that, no matter what happens in the future, right now, I'm where I'm supposed to be.

And I'm just going to keep going.

 ...Now if only I can stop crying so much over getting dumped.  LOL.

I really like that shirt.  I left it at your place, but you gave it back to me the day that you left me.  Since then, I thought of it as a reminder of the day we broke up, and I refused to touch it.  I left it undisturbed in the back of my closet for a month and a half.

I wore it today.

I thought it would be a good moment.  I thought, I'm facing my fears, and I'm tackling my anxiety head-on.

But then..

As I put it on,

it smelled like you.

And it was like you were holding me again.

So I just needed to grow a pair.

"Christa... who cares?   He's your ex.  That's the thing, you don't need to care about him anymore, that's his loss that he made when he broke up with you.  You're just seeing it from the perspective that you're used to, but you need to see it from a new one.  You just need to concentrate on yourself, and on what you're doing."

Then, just like that, I came back down to earth.

Thank baby Jesus.

It was hard to hear, but I was thankful, because it got me back to my senses.  I was having a hard weekend, hard as hell, but I'm feeling like I'm back on track again.  I've been thinking about Phuc all week, in a variety of ways: longing, worry, wonder, anger, criticism, confusion, fondness, sadness, concern, sympathy.  And as hard as it is, as cruel and selfish as it seems to me right now, the only way I'm going to get through the rest of summer is if I concentrate on myself.  As much as I wonder about how he's doing, there's nothing, nothing, I can do for him.  He broke up with me, and now he refuses to even be civil with me, so this has to be the necessary consequence.  I can think of him and worry for him and long for him all I goddamn want, but none of that is going to get to him, so I need to start accepting that there's nothing I can do for him.  As hard as it is for me, and as much as I want to be with him in the upcoming weeks, I need to focus on myself and what I'm going through.  Or else there's no way I'll be able to get through the rest of summer.

I can point fingers at everyone else as much as I want, but in the end, there's only one person in the entire world that matters when it comes to my feelings, my thoughts, and my self-esteem, and that's me.  People can be as thoughtless and immature as they want to me, but in the end, the only way that it can make me depressed and affect my self-esteem is if I let it.  These people never knew me, at all, on any significant level; I know myself much better than anyone, so if I say I'm awesome and they say I'm a bad girlfriend, who am I going to believe?  Why did I ever think it made sense to believe them?  And I was an idiot and I let it get to me, and I actually became a bad girlfriend because I was so obsessed with that criticism, obsessed to the point that I cried at night just playing it over and over in my head, and now look at where I am: an alone, emo chicka.

It never would have mattered if I didn't let it.  At least I know I'm cool.  Isn't that what really matters?

Phuc was never the one making me feel insignificant.  As thoughtless as he was, there was no point in blaming Phuc.  I was the one making myself feel insignificant.  I'm the one making this harder for myself, and I'm the only person responsible for that.  As much as it sucks when people put me down, and as much as it's great when people support me, my self-esteem is really no one's problem but my own.

So I'm going to grow a pair and own up to it:  I placed blame on the wrong person.  I was the one that was letting someone else determine my self-esteem, and I'm the only person I can blame for that.  So I apologize for losing sight of the bigger picture, and for losing sight of the finish line.

It's just time to pick myself back up.

You'll just have to get through this on your own, Christa.  You don't have Phuc anymore, and he doesn't have you anymore.  This is just something you'll have to do on your own.  You're going to have to concentrate on yourself if you're going to get through this.  And you can do it.  You can do it.  You've got this.

Sometimes, I'm a heartbroken, immature, senseless, rash, arrogant, irrational girl.

But now there are other times, where I'm just all grown-up.

I knew you had it in you, Christa.

I think am hoping it is a good sign that I'm extremely dissatisfied going to sleep with such a negative post.  Pessimistic Christa is so last month, brah.  'Tis the season for awesome Christa.

But things are going to get even harder starting tomorrow.  It's gonna be a rough few weeks ahead, for a variety of reasons.  I'm trying to brace myself for it, but easier said than done.  I'm unsure how I'm going to handle the rest of summer, but I just know that I have to.  I really don't know what I'm going to do, but I know that I'm going to get through it somehow.  Eventually, summer will be over.  Time passes.  Just have to keep that in mind.  I don't know how, but I'll get through this... somehow.

But on a good(?) note, something really weird happened to me the other day.

"Christa, you're such a social butterfly!"

Huh?

Are you kidding me?  I mean, I spent six years with "shypie" as my nickname, and now you're calling me a social butterfly?  I really don’t think I've ever been called that in my entire life.  Ever.  Me, a social butterfly?  I heard those words, and I was like, "Okay, back up. What?"

But I guess there is actually a pattern happening, because just a few days before that, I got a, "Christa, you really like meeting new people, don't you?"

...Huh?

Just less than two months ago, meeting new people was probably the scariest shit you could ask me to do, besides possibly swallowing fire.  Possibly.  It's a close call, though. What, introduce myself?  What, mingle?  These are foreign words to me.  What is a.. socialize?  ...Can you eat it?  Well, anyway, I'll just sit here awkwardly and quietly, thank you very much.

That was two months ago.

Now, I introduced myself as, "I'm sorry, I'm actually really shy, so this is mustering a lot of courage for me!"  And you know what happened?  NO ONE IN THE ROOM BELIEVED ME.  What is happening?!  Then the weirder thing is hanging out with someone, and I'm one whispering in her ear, "AWW, I KNOW YOU SHY, BUT YOU CAN DO IT, I AM HERE FOR YOU, LET'S STICK TOGETHER, BUDDY!"  Or at least... kind of whisper.  Whispers do not do pep talks justice!  

Then, I went to the advanced screening of Harry Potter on Thursday, and I saw my Organic Chemistry TA.  We weren't close, we weren't friends, but we would just greet each other in the halls every now and then because he recognized me from his class.  But I saw that he went to see the movie by himself, and I enthusiastically told my friends that I wanted to invite him to sit with us, so that he wouldn't watch by himself.  My friends all found me odd, and one housemate thought it was so outlandish that she went, "I DARE YOU, CHRISTA!"  But I just ran across the theater to invite him to sit with my friends and me, no biggie.  So we sat next to each other, I shared my popcorn with him, and chatted with him until the movie started.  I was happy that he sat with us; he was adorbz and kept sitting at the edge of his seat because he was so into the movie.  Then he thanked me for inviting him to sit with my group, and we parted ways.

Then I realized what happened and I'm wondering now if I'm in the frickin' Twilight Zone.

I realized...

that wasn't...

BEING SHY!

O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!

hot damn!

I'm starting to wonder, if at this rate, I'll actually someday take off "shy" from my list of characteristics.  It's evidently happening under my nose though, because people keep telling me I'm outgoing, and I still go, "wtf u talkin' 'bout?"

But can you imagine?  Christa, not shy?

Me neither.  

But apparently that shit is happening.

Cool beans.

I've managed a lot in the last month and a half.  My depression has subsided, I've made a lot of friends, and I was on the slow uphill journey towards getting over Phuc.

Was.

The more I know that I can be strong, the more disappointed I am in myself when I'm not.

I really wonder if he's doing this to me deliberately. When I'm getting better, then somehow he shoves me back into the floor to pick myself back up.  When I'm using every ounce of strength just towards putting my life back together, and then somehow he cripples me, and breaks my heart all over again.  Since the day that he broke up with me, I have always given him the benefit of the doubt: that this was my fault.  That it is, without a shadow of a doubt, my fault that we're over.  But sometimes, when he keeps pushing me down like this, I start to wonder.  My heart is shattered, and now every moment spent alone has been a moment spent crying, and I wonder.  All I want to do, all I want to do, the only thing I want is to get better, and I wonder.  When I'm crying so much that my chest hurts and it's hard to breathe, all because of this boy that just won't let me catch a break, that's when I wonder, how much of all of this was really my fault.

I spend day in and day out trying to improve my self-esteem, and then he makes me feel so goddamn dispensable.  I try to be confident, and then he makes me feel so goddamn inferior.  I don't get it.  I don't get why he would disrespect me so much, when he's the one that left me, telling me during our last conversation,  "I still love you, and I still care about you."  Does he?  When he's saying these thoughtless things that hurt me, I wonder, does he really?  When he says he picks his words carefully, knowing how much they can hurt people, I wonder, when I've spent the last few days just absolutely crushed and heartbroken, does he really?  It's one thing to make me wonder if he ever thinks about me anymore, but it's another thing entirely to just make me feel like I'm garbage.  Like we did spend years together, but good thing I'm gone, because I was just a replaceable, fat, depressed, uptight bitch anyway.  I don't get it.  All I'm trying to do is get better after he left me.  I try to feel special and then he makes me feel like I'm nothing.  I try to feel spectacular and then he makes me feel like I'm nothing.  I don't understand why he's doing this.  I know that I'm not nothing, but why is that even something that I need to convince myself of?  Why is that even something that people are trying to convince me of otherwise?  I know I'm not nothing.  I know I'm not nothing.  But why do I even need to tell myself this?  It shouldn't even be a question.  I know I'm not nothing.  God, and I was getting so much better.  Now I'm at a standstill where I actually need to remind myself that I'm not nothing.

Is this really the same person that learned my favorite piano piece just so he could play it for me?  It can't be, because I wanted that man with my entire heart.

He was the man of my dreams, but now I don't know who this boy is.

I just flood with disappointment in myself every time that I let him make me weak.  I didn't want to cry, but I did.  I cried so much and I hated myself for it.  Christa, why are you crying?  You're stronger than this.  You're more than this.  You're better than this.  But sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I'm not, and I just get so disappointed in myself.  It's okay to be sad, right?  But sometimes, it really doesn't feel like it is.  Sometimes, I just get so disappointed in myself for letting myself get crippled like this, that it really doesn't feel like it is.

I just have to remind myself, that I'm going to get better.  I got through this pain before, I'm going to get through it again.

I have to remember that I am amazing, and there is nothing that he can say that is going to change that.  All he is doing is letting a fantastic girl slip through his fingers.  A month and a half ago, I was willing to do anything to get him back.  But now, I feel like he's the one that'll have to grow up when he realizes how fantastic I am and realizes how much he wants me back.  Because I'm kind of awesome, as much as he tries to convince me otherwise. 

Or at least whatever the hell will help me sleep at night.  Goddammit.

Christa, you've got this.

Just keep your head in the game.

"Christa, you should make friends that you can talk to."
"Phuc, you say that as if it was easy.  Like I can just go and somehow just instantly find friends.  If it was that easy, then I'd have friends right now.  It's easy for you, because you're so popular, but I'm not.  And it really sucks that you're saying that like it's easy, because that makes it all the more heartbreaking that I still don't have any friends at college."
"But if you just be yourself, then people would see the Christa that I see, and they'd love you like I love you."
"You don't get it.  It's so hard for me, Phuc.  It's so hard."

The punchline is that he ended up dumping me.  LOL.  Too soon??!??!?

-+-

It's different this time.  It's only been a month, but I can feel it.  I can feel the permanence in this the same way that I felt so much permanence when Phuc broke up with me.  It's happened many times before, but it feels different this time.  It feels like... it's real.

A month ago, this reality took place in the form of heartbreak, of a girl whose heart was crushed by a boy she loved.  She used to break up with him in fleeting moments of depression and sadness, but they never felt as real as the day when he took her hand, and told her so quietly, so gently, "I don't think we should be together anymore."  And she felt it.  That this time, it was really over.

A month later, I feel it again.  This permanence.  This reality.  But instead, I feel it in the friendships that I have been forming.  

I've never had a problem making friends in my classes, but I had so much trouble maintaining them.  Since high school, almost all of my friendships have been fleeting.  We would have a class together, and become great friends, then instantly lose touch with each other as semesters ended and new ones began, as friends transferred out and stopped keeping in contact.  It got to the point where my mantra became, "It's not like we're going to stay friends for very long anyway."  Wash, rinse, and repeat for six years.

Until now.

The friendships that I've formed are yet to face the test of time, but just like when Phuc broke up with me, it just really feels different this time.  Like for once, it's actually going to last.  The way that we just enjoy each other's company when we're lying on her couch, watching episodes of Masterchef and So You Think You Can Dance together, like we've been doing this forever.  The way that we all go out grocery shopping together and cook together, like a family.  The way that he puts his arm around my shoulder and teases me about what a nerd I am, telling me that I'm like a sister to him.  The way everyone is so excited when I tell them that I'll attend their dinner party.  The way that people just stop and chat with me for an hour when we bump into each other in the halls.

It just feels different.  It just feels great.  It feels like I've finally made friends.

I'm so busy now, and I love it.  Right after lab, I usually have just enough time to drop off my things at home before I go out and spend time with the friends that I've made, then by the time I get home, it's already time to go to sleep.  So different from the shy, frightened, unmotivated Christa of the last several years.  I used to get so tired of it all, but now it's just part my regular day-to-day schedule: just be awesome all day.  I used to spend everyday at Merced just waiting for the next time that I could get away from Merced.  And now, I'm actually dreading the days that I'll have to go home and be separated from all my friends at Merced.  I feel like after the last two years, I'm the absolutely last person you would expect to hear those words from.

"Christa, we've barely met, but I really feel like I just found my best friend."
"Christa, I just love hanging out with you, you just tackle life with so much gusto!"
"Christa, I just can't help but smile whenever I talk to you."
"Dork, you don't have to keep asking if we're friends, of course we are!"

I feel like I've finally arrived.

The funny thing is, it turns out that Phuc was right all along.  

I used to have a nonstop cycle for my first two years at college -- go to class, go back to my dorm, go online, and just be an introvert forever.  But for the last month, I honestly just go out and I really do just somehow instantly find friends.  But it was hard at first.  For the first two weeks, it was among the most daunting challenges of my life.  Socializing is such a difficulty for me; it's up there with getting over my depression and getting over being dumped by Phuc.  But for several weeks, I forced myself so much to be more extroverted than the last six years combined.  I would wake up in the mornings, just tired of being this character, of being this person that is so much more than I could possibly be.  I was tired of being this girl that can just make friends with everyone around her, this dream of a girl that I could only wish to really be.  This optimistic, idealistic girl that was so much more confident than I was.  This straightforward girl that was so comfortable with herself and could actually take a compliment.  This elegant girl with her sincere smile, so eager to meet new people and have new experiences.  This completely spazzy, adorable girl that just couldn't get enough of life, that faced every challenge and tackled any adventure with just amazing enthusiasm.

And without knowing when it happened, I suddenly realized that I just wasn't acting anymore.  I wasn't forcing myself anymore.  And I realized that I was the girl that I was trying to be.  I stopped waking up tired of being some character, because the more I got to know myself, I realized that I was never pretending.  I was trying harder, I was truly exerting myself, but I was never pretending.  This entire time, that girl was really just.. me.  It all came back to me, how once upon a time, I used to actually be this idealistic and self-motivated.  She was so hidden behind years of fear and depression and nervousness and pessimism, that it took all my strength and all my digging to finally find her again.  While I was meeting my friends, it was like I was meeting myself again too.  

I told Phuc that it was hard for me to make friends, and it really was.  It was hard as hell.  I would cry in the middle of the day, just so frustrated with how hard it was for me.  But another thing I truly learned the hard way this past month, is how strong I can be.  So it was hard as hell, but you know what?  I just needed to conquer it, so that's what I did.  I just needed to fight tooth and nail, so that's what I did.  I just needed to climb back up from the bottom of this cliff that I threw myself into years ago, so that's what I did.  I would just be so tired and so anxious, but I told myself, "Okay, so it's hard, it's stressful, and it's sucks.  Deal with it.  You have to do this to get better."  And now, being awesome is just another part of my day.  LIKE. A. BOSS.

I've always had so much anxiety, shyness, and fear when it came to making friends, but it turned out the secret was never a secret all along.  Turns out, I was just discovering myself, meeting myself, and being myself all along, and that resulted in meeting some really great people, and creating some amazing friendships that I have every intent on maintaining.  But totally, sucks to be anyone that just dumped me and therefore lost the best girl ever.  Wink!  Did anyone catch that subtle reference to Phuc, LOL?  Too soon?!??!???  "If you just be yourself, then people would see the Christa that I see, and they'd love you like I love you."  Damn, bro.  Evidently, accurate and ironic. get it cuz he dumped me

So, all I had to do was discover how awesome I can actually be.  And now I just need to keep working, I need to keep trying, I need to never stop moving.

Done and done.