So I realized I'm a total idiot.

Totally new information, right?

But I am sincerely learning a lot about myself.  Being so absolutely transparent here, I would read my past recent posts over and realize things that are wrong with me.  It is absolutely fantastic, because not only am I getting stuff off my mind, when I read posts back, I can see the fallacies in my ways of thought.

I don't know why I ever stopped.  I should have been doing this all throughout my depression for the last two years.  Again, communication.  My error was communication, even with myself.  I refused to believe that I could have depression, "My therapist never actually explicitly diagnosed me with depression, and I've been seeing her all semester…"  So lack of motivation, suicidal thoughts, loss of interest in my hobbies, yep.  Doesn't sound like depression to me, either.  But then my physician said I had mild depression when I totally lied and understated my symptoms.  Good job, girl.  You screwed yourself.  I practically had closet depression.  I didn't want to believe it, I thought if I shut it in a closet and didn't tell anyone about it then it would go away.  Then Phuc left me.  So.  Good job, girl.  You screwed yourself.

But I digress.

So I realized.  I'm a total idiot.

I've been crying and crying everyday because I'm a total idiot and I visit Phuc's tumblr and look at his happy life.  I'm trying to stop visiting.  Haven't done it all day.  I'm finally a born-again not-stupid person.  Okay, total lie, I feel like there is a countdown until I visit again because c'mon.  I love the guy.  He broke my heart, but I miss him.  That's what broken hearted girls are.  Total idiots.  But I've got an appointment with someone to block myself from being able to access his Tumblr so that I don't have to deal with this bullshit anymore.  And I feel pretty done anyway.  Because last night I just really broke my own heart and I don't think I can deal with it anymore if he shares anything like that again.  It's been fine until now.  Just little peeks into his normal life.  But last night I cried so much, I couldn't believe myself.  So I don't want to go there anymore.  But then of course that's what I say until I fall into extreme longing again and miss him, so we'll see, kids.  We'll see.

But, the thing is, my evidence for all my "Phuc is so over me" posts is that his current posts parallel the same topics and tone as from when we were still a relationship, e.g. my comment that he "didn't skip a single beat."  Pretty picture here, pretty picture there.  Then he posted "Marvin's Room" by Drake the day before we broke up, and I read the lyrics for and it implied to me that maybe he broke up with me because he is in love with another girl who has a boyfriend.  Then there's that post that BROKE my HEART last night.  Actually, let me find my tweet from last night and let that tell you, it was pretty much a re-post of a "brotip" that he posted on his Tumblr.

"If someone only wants to hang out w/ you after midnight, there's a reason." & reply of, "Relevant," tagged "hook-ups". Cried til I vomited.

I mean yeah, it looks bad.  But hold up, let me explain.  lol.

So long story short, I learned that I over-read into things.  Okay, I'll tell you the long version, because that's what we're all just dying to hear.  Well, I realized I'm not a goddamn fortune teller, I'm not a psychic, I can't read minds.  That's another message that Phuc spent a lot of time trying to teach me.  "They hate me, they hate me, they want me out of your life, so they want me to die, they want me to kill myself."  It's something I truly believed.  I believed there were people in the world that wanted me to commit suicide.  He might have thought I was just annoying and whiny, but it was terrifying to me.  I really truly believed that people wanted me to kill myself.

An aside: kids, I actually have pretty bad depression.  As I mentioned above, I haven't met with a psychologist to evaluate and diagnose me, and got close to a physician diagnosing me except I lied on my eval about my mental health, so I've been using that as an excuse to say that I don't.  But I think I'm at the point of my life where I can admit and explicitly say that I have depression.  I've been a closet for the last two years about it for all except four people in the world, but now I want it to go away for real for once, and so far I've been feeling good for the last week and being so transparent has been helping.  For the last two years, I would fall into it, shut out Phuc in every way, we would get better, then I would relapse, and it was a seemingly endless cycle for me ever since I started college.  During the time, I didn't realize that I had depression.  I didn't know the symptoms, I thought I was just naturally lonely and unmotivated.  But I jumped to severe suicidal depression for the first time last November, and it wasn't until then that a therapist and I identified that I've actually had depression for quite a while. (But it didn't really help that she would tip toe around the word "depression.")  So it relapsed twice during the holiday season.  It actually went away the day that everyone surprised me for Christmas (so thx for that), then relapsed again mid-January of this year and I proceeded to hide it from Phuc all year, until I mumbled a sad, "I've been hiding my depression all this time," when he broke up with me.  And I'm pretty sure that's why he broke up with me.

And again, exactly the point I was trying to make when I started writing this.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS TRANSPARENT ONLINE?  WHO ELSE DOES ANYONE KNOW IS THIS TRANSPARENT?

I mean, Phuc posted totally normal posts before we broke up and that's when he was dealing with ME.  I thought he was totally okay but apparently he tricked all of us enough with his normal-looking Tumblr that when he dumped me, it was totally out of the blue for me.

I've been so torn all the time, 24/7 thinking that he might be pursuing someone else (from the song), that someone is trying to sleep with him (from the brotip tweet I posted above), and that he's totally recovered and moved on from me 100% and I don't even exist in his mind anymore (from the normal everyday nature of his posts). 

But today, I looked at my Xanga.  I looked over the post that I wrote late last night.  Then I looked over the posts that I wrote throughout my depression, when I wasn't as transparent.

And realized something.

Most people don't really spew their deepest darkest secrets online for the entire world to see.

Also that I really over-read into things. 

Maybe his actual world is nothing like his online life.  Maybe he just really likes that Drake song, and maybe I don't understand brotips because I'm not a bro and ho's just don't understand what bro's are talking about, and maybe he's not just moving on swimmingly.  Of course, there is the possibility that I'm completely right, but the thing is, I don't know which is true.  I brushed over this idea before, recently.  I don't know, so why do I think I do?  I mean, I didn't know he was planning on breaking up with me, so LOL.  If I'm a fortune teller I'm a terrible one.  That's a major problem I had during my relationship with Phuc.  I don't fucking know what Phuc is thinking when he posts these things.  I don't know what he's like right now, the most contact we've had was--

OH.  So another aside.  I tried to call him on Wednesday night.  Yes, yes.  You are just kicking me, I feel it.  I realize now that it was stupid.  And that went badly, as can be expected, but at least he didn't pick up.   So by "try to call him" I mean, I called him and he rejected my calls.  I don't know the rules of break-ups, but he didn't just not pick up, but him actually turning off his phone to reject me so that I would stop calling him gave me a pretty big hint that he doesn't want to talk to me.  So he called me back the day after, but I texted him that we're not ready to talk.  Because I've never in my life had anyone actually turn off their phone to blatantly reject me.  I mean, I totally get it considering our situation, but I was really flustered and sad by what happened.  So just the possibility of him picking up and just acting like I was a cockroach the entire conversation, that would've killed me.  Just killed me.  So I got the hint when he turned off his phone, and declined talking to him when he called me back.  And I learned a lesson.  Never call Phuc again. 

Well, that was the most contact we've had.  Which sucked.

I honestly wanted to say along the lines of, "HE DOESN'T CARE IF I'M DEAD" but I don't know if he turned off his phone because he doesn't think I exist anymore.  I don't know if he turned off his phone because he wants me dead or because he's actually dealing with this break-up with just as much difficulty as I am, and not talking to me is the only way that he can get through this.  I don't know what it is.  It does KILL me to think that it may be exactly what I am thinking, but reminding myself that I don't actually know, it at least helps me manage my stress and anxiety about the situation.  Like, even just re-reading the copy/pasted tweet above, I started crying again, and walked myself through my errors of over-reading again and it helped me cope with the stress.

Phuc and I had a lot of trouble with this flaw of mine.  He spent a lot of time trying to tell me that when I thought all his friends wanted me to fuck off and commit suicide, but I didn't listen.  I was determined in my thinking, and it took its toll on both of us.  Of course that's hard to deal with, on top of everything else going on in his life.  And so the list goes on and on, of why he broke up with me.

But it ties back to my depression.  He's made mistakes too, mind you, I don't mean to put him on a pedestal and say that I was just on a mission nonstop to destroy us, but I feel like they would have been resolved more smoothly if I reacted in a much less "depressed" way.  He told me, "You ask me about the people on my Facebook a lot," so I de-friended him on Facebook.  So yeah, who reacts like that?  He asked me not to yell in the car, so I cried about how I'm never going to be good enough for him.  Who reacts like that?

So I'm trying to avoid my techniques in the past, where I tried to just squash my depression in one go.  Right now, the mission of the day is to tackle one of my other brutal flaws:  that I over-read into things.

It's going to take me some practice.  I mean, it's hard.  It's hard to get over the fact that Phuc is talking about "hooking up."  It makes me break into tears whenever I think of it.  It was the actually most I cried since the day he broke up with me, and each time I even think of it, I continue to cry in my bed, sobbing and screaming into my pillow to try to drown out the pain.  It was that pain that made me want to give up on myself and everything I have done this week, and that's actually what elicited the necessity of creating yesterday's transcript.  But if nothing else, I'm trying to benefit by practicing how to deal with it.  It's been my main "practice" for doing my over-reading/fortune-telling coping today, and I need to deliberately catch myself when I do it.  "Wait, you don't know if he's doing that, you don’t have any explicit proof, I know it's hard, but you are inflating the situation and you don't need to panic this much." or "You don't know what he is thinking.  He might not even be thinking that, so why are you letting it affect you?"  Shit like that.

But there is one thing that I am stupidly allowing to give myself hope with, and it is, "...there is the tiniest, the tiniest chance..."  And it makes me sad to realize that I probably over-read into that too.  Sigh.

So still, I'm working on myself, but I still don't want to visit his page anymore because I don't want to feel my soul die again.  I've been managing a lot of things, but the one thing that just shatters me completely is thinking of Phuc with someone else.  I know I don't know what he's doing, but the possibility of him being with someone else just destroys me.  Like, I needed to take a break to write this paragraph to cry.  I feel my heart stop and my lungs need to gasp for air, and for an instant, I revert back to the day he broke up with me, I get that uttermost heartbreak, that it's impossible for me to ever move on and get better.  So if he's really truly pursuing someone else or if he's already with her, then I really don't know what I would do.  I'm being proactive about a lot of things about myself, but that's the one thing that just crushes me, without fail, every single time.

But what matters now is, I'm working on my life, and that's my number one priority right now.  Starting small, step-by-step, with trying to reduce my over-reading into things and my "fortune teller fallacies."  It's starting to work on some things, but it definitely needs refinement.  I'm still pretty bad at it but y'know.  Bitches gotta bounce back. 

It's a start.  If nothing else, I at least have a start.

-+-

So by this point, after the past week, you're probably honestly wondering why I've been SO transparent.  I've sprinkled reasons here and there, but the transparency is actually pretty intense.  It's verging on the ridiculous, but I'm actually very comfortable with this.  Any stalker of mine is just having a field day.  And I've actually wondered too.  All I really know for sure is that it seems like a really good idea to me.  I'm sure someone out there is like, "what is wrong with this girl dumb ho" but I just have a really good feeling about this.

For one, it gets my thoughts down and flushes them out of my body.  It's been a tried and true outlet for me for almost ten years now, so something about blogging must be going right for me.  I actually maintained a diary throughout the last half year, and it just didn't work.  The thing about blogging, about writing my transparent thoughts to the public eye, is that I cannot simply allow myself to, well, beat myself up.  Which is all I did in my diary.  I wrote down my thoughts, and my thoughts were that I hate myself.

Actually, let me dig up an example.  This is a real diary excerpt from January, at the onset of the relapse that would eventually lead to the end of my relationship:
"Sometimes, I hate him for being so much better than me.  I hate myself for not seeing that.  I hate him for being a better person than I am.  I hate him for being the person that I want to be, but I can't.  Most days, I appreciate it, so much.  But some days, I just remember that I am trash.  I just reach for bad memories and disregard everything.  Destruction."

That was the first non-vulgar example I found.  Which is ironic considering how vulgar my post was yesterday.  But basically, it's not nice.

That's a voice I feel like I cannot carry under a public eye.  I am just not the emo kid.  Nuhuh.  No way.  Lol, I'll apparently be the heartbroken girl, but not the emo kid.  Figures.  Well, we all change our tones for certain audiences, and when the audience is just myself, I find that I just pretty much destroy myself.  I insult myself, I really just tear into me.  I learned that it is not productive at all, I use it more as a way to just insult myself more.  Because when I write it in a diary, it still feels like it is my personal deep dark secret, and that I don't have to admit it/accept it as something that I need to work on.  It's weird.  But when under a public eye, I feel more like I am telling a narrative.  I am telling a story about my life.  Telling a story =/= "I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me."  So it's been helping me get my thoughts out about my heartbreak with the effectiveness of a personal journal while avoiding the harshest one-to-one conversations that I just love to have with myself.

So when I hid my depression from Phuc in the last half year, those conversations with myself were the only ones I had.  So I continued to throw myself into low self-esteem and low confidence, because all I really did during my diary entries for six months was tear into myself and actually continually made myself worse.

I'm fortunate enough to say that I am on the upswing right now.  Any day in the past, I would announce that I am better right now.  I almost did that this time, too.  I'll admit, the feelings of, "I can do it" really seduced me into thinking that I'm better.  And that is why I never got out of my depression.  I would work until I felt better, but then I stopped working once I felt better.  Then I would relapse again within a month.  But this time, I am getting my head in the game, and I realized, that I am not better.  I just feel better.  But I am not better.  I would be a complete dumbass to say that I am better.

I'm really hoping that I'm getting there, though.  I will say that it is nice to feel better, though.  In terms of depression, of course.  I am in no doubt experiencing immense amounts of heartbreak and loss and longing, but I know by now how depression feels, and it's definitely a different kind of "sad," and that's not what I am experiencing right now.  There is just hopelessness and emptiness and numbness.   I WAS, last week, but not right now. And let me tell you, I definitely do not feel numb.  I am feeling every second of what's happening to me right now.  

Another aside: So I lied on my break-up post when I said that I couldn't talk about how I felt with Phuc because I was shocked.  I posted that before I decided to be transparent in my depression, so it was actually because I instantly became numb.  Numb as in extreme, just shaking depression.  I looked into his eyes and just felt numb.  My first reaction when he broke up with me was nothing, because I felt literally nothing.  I felt empty.  Could not say a word because I just went numb.  Bad stuff.

Anyway, I'm feeling better, but I'm not better.  And right now what I'm concerned of most is with relapsing.  I feel better, and I currently have pretty decent plans to get better, but I know myself by now.  So another reason why I am being so transparent is to avoid relapsing.  It's easier for me to write when I pretend that no one visits/reads/cares about my blog, but really, honest to God, if you think I am fudging some lies together about how amazing life is and you think it actually isn't or if you suspect that something is wrong or if you think I am not being safe in any way, please really just text me or e-mail me and honestly, check on me that I am okay.  Really, you can just PM me on Facebook and I will give you my number to text me.  Because so far I have always relapsed within a month of recovery.  But this time, I will not let it take me down.

So another reason why I am trying to be as transparent as possible is to keep track of myself in case I relapse again, which is actually very likely.  That way, when I'm down in the dumps, I can read over these posts and see how it is like to feel better and get better.  I can look at my approaches, and remind myself of how I got myself better, and apply those strategies to my next anticipated relapse again.

Until hopefully, someday, I finally actually get better.

'Kay, would love to stay and chat (as if i haven't already said a mouthful), but time to sleep.

Dear Christa,

I know you're hurting.  I know the place you're in.  You think it's new, but you've walked these steps before.  Your footprints are everywhere.  You've been here before, many times.  Heartbreak.  Your wall has a rich tapestry of heartbreak.  As of today, you have now tasted it in all its flavors.  You know every variation of bitter, praying to dear God for the day that you can taste the sweet.

I don't know how to tell you in a way that's going to make you believe me.  I don't know how to tell you because you've never believed anyone in your life in the last two years.  I know how you always discount the good and can only see the bad in yourself.  You have the scars to prove it.  You have the pain to prove it.  You've been damaging yourself for a while.  A good, long while.  You've fallen in this pit, and your fingers are bleeding to the bone because you've done nothing but climb only to fall, and fall, and fall.  I know it seems like it's been hurting forever and a day, but please, listen to me now.

You've been alone.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it.  You've been alone much longer than this past week.  You've been alone for months, you've been alone for years.  You've been alone ever since the day that you decided to eat lunch alone in the bathroom on the first day of high school.  You even said yourself, "I don't need friends."  You would just keep washing your hands so that passerbys wouldn't wonder about you.  You would listen to U2 on your iPod and just stare at the roof from the inside of the bathroom stall.  You threw yourself into that pit of lions, and you let yourself be torn to shreds.  You let Phuc slip through your hands long before the day that you met him.

You hate yourself.  But why?  Yeah, I've heard it all from you.  You've told me about how you're so ugly that no one would ever love you, you're so fat that you don't deserve anyone, you told me about how you think you'd be better off dead, you told me about how no one loves you, you told me about how everyone hates you.  But why?

"It's the truth."

It's the truth.  It's the truth.  It's the truth.

Hey, you know what?

FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Fucking, bull, shit.  Fucking bullshit.  Bull to the shit from the fucking of the bullshit.  Get your goddamn shit together and get it out of my motherfucking house right now because you need to get your goddamn head in the fucking game and see the world for what it is.

You are motherfucking,

you are just so motherfucking

more than this.

Boo hoo, you want to die, what's the point, oh, "I'm worthless, no one would care if I live or die."  Suck the fuck up because you are just fucking amazing.  Deal with it.  You are motherfucking amazing.  Don't believe it?  Well suck it up and deal with it, because THAT's the truth.

Have you seen yourself?  I mean really, have you just fucking seen yourself?  You've been putting yourself down all your life, the past, what?  Eleven years?  Missed all of fifth grade because the kids were making fun of your hair and your chub.  Hey, you know what?  Fuck them.  FUCK.  THEM.

It's took twenty goddamn fucking years to finally apply yourself.  It took two major life events and one week.  One, fucking, week.  Have you SEEN yourself in this past week?  Your life has turned.. the fuck.. around.  A motherfucking 540 degrees.  The ONLY TRUE LOVE you have EVER known just WALKED out on you.  You almost DIED.  You almost died.  You almost died.  You get that through your motherfucking head.  You were going to die.  You should be dead right now.  Fucking get that through your head because you did, and you son of a bitch, it is serious, okay?  You should be dead right now.  Get that through your goddamn head and look at yourself.

And you know what you'll see? You are amazing.  Less then one fucking week and you are turning your entire life around.  You are just turning your entire life around.  Don't you DARE slack off.  Fine, you're impressed, but this is just the start.  This is just the foundation.  You are making a lifestyle change and changing a lifestyle definitely takes more than a week.  You are going to lose your motivation, you are going to get tired, you are going to want to give up and throw in the towel and you will NOT.  In the next few months, in the next few years, don't you dare slack off.  DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.  And you're going to make it.  And it's not going to magically just happen just because you say it will, like all the other times you have said that and failed.  No.  You are a hardworker.  I know you.  I know who you are and when you are passionate about something, you will work your goddamn ass off for it.  You are going to work hard and you are going to make it.  You know why? Because you are amazing.

And don't fucking tell me about that muffin top, that pimple on your forehead, don't fucking tell me one more word about those scars, because you are amazing.

Fucking beautiful. Fucking, BEAUTIFUL. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.  BUT STILL, GET YOUR ASS TO THE GYM.  Don't get too full of yourself.  It's unattractive.  ZING, BITCH.

Don't fucking tell me that there's no future left for you.  You have no clue.  You just have no fucking clue.  Have you fucking seen what happens when you really apply yourself?

Boo hoo, you can't make any friends, no one would like you, it's too hard, everyone hates you, you'll never keep in touch, you'll never stay friends anyway, what's the point.  You know what?  Fuck you.  Fuck.. you.  Fucking look at yourself.  How many friends have you made in just this past week because you really applied yourself?  Yeah, that's right.  You can't count.  You remember all their names?  Fuck right, you do.  You gonna talk to them again?  Fuck yeah, you will.  You want to go somewhere with all your friends?  Well sorry because you'll need a parade permit to fit that.

So step one, right?  Made friends.  A shit ton of friends, and you're gonna keep going.  You know why?  'Cos you're fucking amazing and it's just inevitable.  You can't help that shit.  You're awesome, it's just gonna fucking happen whether you like it or not.  You are going to keep applying yourself, you are going to maintain these friendships through hell and high water, because you are going to actively work towards staying motivated, you are going to apply yourself, you are going to keep going, you are going to get better.

You are going to get better.

You were always, always the only one that ever held yourself back.  You want to know why you're alone?  You want to know why you've always been alone for the past half of your life?

Because of you.  It's always been because of you.

And you are going to get better.

Believe me this time.  Please, for the love of God, believe me this time.  You are going to get better.  It's going to be hard, but you are going to keep working.  You are going to turn yourself around, and you are going to live this life.  You are going to live this life.  

You know why?

Because you're not going to hold yourself back anymore.  You are not going to hide behind some sad whiny, "Oh, it's too hard, I can't do it, it's so hard."  You are going to apply yourself, because now you know what you can do.  You know what you are capable of.  Look at yourself.  You keep telling me, "Oh, I'm going to really try this time," "It's different this time," "I'm going to try harder this time."  Look at yourself.  Look at yourself.  Did you?  Did you follow through with all of those things you said you were going to do?  You did for a little while, but when things got comfortable, you stopped, gave up, and reverted back to your comfortable self-hatred party.  You are not going to make that mistake again.  You know why?  Okay, so let's see.  So do you like yourself?  No.  Are you secure with yourself?  No.  Are you happy?  No.  This is not just some, "tough luck, try again next time" business.  This is your life.  You lost Phuc.  You lost Phuc.  You lost him.  You know why?  Yeah.  You know why.  Because you gave up on yourself.  You just gave up on yourself.  You looked in the mirror every morning just waiting to die.  You lost Phuc, and I am not letting you lose yourself.

I am not letting you lose yourself.  So help me God, please.  Please.  Do you see yourself?  You're losing yourself.  You keep giving up on yourself, you keep telling yourself you're not worth it, you keep telling yourself that you never deserved Phuc, you keep telling yourself that you were just a mistake, you were never meant to be part of his life, you were just a regret, you are just a blur, you are just gone, you are just gone, you are just gone.  Please.  Please, look at yourself.  Please, look at yourself crying in your bed every night, every night for so long, just so long, for so many months, just waiting to die, just waiting to die.  Please, look at yourself.  You have a real, sincere psychological problem.  And you do not want to keep living like this.  You think it's easier, you think it's impossible to get better, you think you're a lost hope.  But you are so much more than this.  I know you don't believe me right now, but you are.  I will tell it to you a million times every day for the rest of your life until you realize that you are truly more than this.  People love you so much and you don't want this anymore.  You want to get better.  And you will get better.  You must get better.  Your heart hurts so much.  You're hurting so much.  You don't want this.  You don't want this.  You don't want this.  Please.  Listen to me.

It was two months into your relationship with Phuc, do you remember?  He grabbed you by the arms.  Your arms covered in cuts and bruises, your arms so ugly and so deformed by all your self-mutilation.  And he kissed him.  He touched them so gently.  He kissed the scars and he told you he loved you for the first time.  And you promised him you would never hurt yourself again, and you never touched yourself with so much hatred for another five years.  Do you remember?  Do you remember the love you felt?  Do you remember how safe you felt?  Do you remember how beautiful you felt?  And you worked, and you worked on your life, and you worked on your relationship.  You loved for nearly six years, and you healed, all the scars are gone now, all because you never gave up.

But then you did.  You gave into your depression and you just gave up.  You stopped communicating.  You just hated yourself everyday.  You hated yourself constantly, around the clock, and you dragged Phuc down with you.  Your self-hate was destroying both of you.  He had to leave you.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry, I know it's so hard to hear, and I know you might not believe it sometimes, but Christa, he had to.  He had to leave you.  I'm sorry, but he just couldn't do it anymore.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry.  But you just gave up.  You just gave up on your life and you stopped working.  You were so stubborn.  So arrogant.  You cried so much, at everything.  Everything just reminded you of how much you hated yourself.  You thought you were useless and you always thought you were right.  You are such a dangerous combination.  You stupid girl.  He never stopped telling you that you were beautiful, he never stopped telling you that he loved you, and you just stopped believing it and you stopped listening because all you did was hate yourself.  He held you close and he was so patient with you and all you did was shut him down because all you could think of was the hate that you had for yourself and the depression that haunted you every night.  You gave up, and then all you ever did was hate yourself.  You stupid girl.

And you hate yourself now because you're the reason why Phuc isn't with you anymore.  You're the reason why you're feeling so much pain and why you're going through so much heartbreak and why you're just so sad, so sad all the time.  Your heart hurts so much that you don't know what to do, and all you can think is that all you'll ever do is be heartbroken the rest of your life.  I know how much you're hurting.

And you are going to get better.  You are going to make yourself better.  It's not just going to magically happen by itself.  You have to make yourself better.  And it's going to happen.

Because you are amazing.

You are going to learn from this and you are going to heal.  Just like you healed before, you will heal again.  You will heal.

But it won't be easy.  To get better, you need to keep working.  Look at your past.  You know it's true.  You've said you'd change things, but it got too hard, it took too long, and you gave up.  Well, it's time to not just settle for what's easier.  "I don't need to talk about this with him, because that's easier."  For months.  For months and months and he just couldn't handle you anymore.  You used to work on your life and your relationship so much, and that's when you were happiest together, right?  Then when you gave up on yourself, everyday was just self-hate, self-hate, self-hate, until the day that you lost everything.  So you cannot give up.  You know what's on the line now.  You cannot give up.

You need to get better.  Not later, now.  You need to start now.  And you cannot give up.  You must keep working.  I know it's hard.  I know it's hard when you hate yourself so much right now.  I know it's hard when all you want to do is let your heart fall to pieces.  I know it's hard after all of the times that you have tried and failed.  It is too hard, but deal with it.  It is too tough, but deal with it.  It's going to take a while, but deal with it.  Don't slack off.  Don't fuck up.  Just keep your head in the game.  Think about you.  Think about you.  Think about just how amazing it is to just, be happy.  Remember what you can do when you work on it, when you apply yourself, when you just never give up, when you never give in.  You need to keep yourself motivated, you need to ALWAYS keep working on it, don't ever forget that.  Even if you think you feel better, don't stop working on it.  Never stop working on it just because you're comfortable now, never stop working on it just because you think it'd be easier not to.  That's why you lost Phuc.  Don't lose yourself, too.

Close your eyes, forget the pain, just forget the pain for a second.  Remember how safe you felt that lifetime ago, when you allowed yourself to be loved and you allowed yourself to be happy.  Remember that lifetime ago without all this self-hatred, without all this defeat.  Really, just take a second and close your eyes, and remember.  Wash yourself in it.  Remember how beautiful it felt when you just let yourself just be happy.

Then chase it.

Just keep chasing it.

It's been about a week since Phuc broke up with me, and I just wanted to articulate how thankful I am of the support and concern about me that some people have been sharing.  This definitely would have been even closer to impossible without everyone that's been carrying me through this.

I think one of the stupidest things I did recently was buy honey for $12 today.  I mean, it's awesome, it's definitely this amazing flavor of honey that's locally grown and totally organic, super smooth, the whole nine yards.  It's just that I don't even really use honey.  I've used honey so scarcely in my everyday life.  It's good honey, but what am I really going to do with this?  In any case, I guess I'm gonna start using honey.

The other idiotic thing I do is sometimes visit Phuc's tumblr.  I know it's dumb and I kick myself in the face every time I do it.  But it's literally the only venue in any form in the entire universe left that I know of where he and I have any overlap.  I really don't know if he goes anywhere that I've been.  For all I know, he thinks I'm moving on just swimmingly.  Get it?  It's a joke, 'cos I'm not.  LOL.  I'm so pitiful.  But I was about to come here and just cry and cry, "omg i'm dead to him, he doesn't remember that i existed at all, i'm so sad and lonely" but come on, Christa.  Really?  Equally I'd like to say that he still deeply cares and he's truly rattled by the apparent necessity to break up with me, but I really don't know anything about him anymore.  All I know is that he does at least seem very happy in his new life without me.  Honestly, unless he's posting up really wild shit on Facebook, at least in the online atmosphere, he doesn't seem like he skipped a single beat.  I definitely won't go as far as to proclaim that I meant nothing to him, but it does always just make me step back a little to see him just not lose a single step over breaking up with me.  Of course, maybe I'm wrong or maybe I nailed it on the head, I wouldn't know, I'm just not in his life anymore.  I'm sure it's happened in a lot of break-ups, where I'm losing an arm and a leg over here, and he just seems fine.  It's weird.  I know I happened, I happened for almost six years, but honestly, sometimes it seems like I didn't.  And it's just really weird.

There's another reason why I am infinitely stupider but I'll mention that later.

But I'm running out of time.  So TL;DR, I suck.  LOL.

well played, soldier.

Day's almost over, and I was about to go to bed, when I realized I didn't write here yet, even though I planned to almost all day.

I always try to limit my Xanga posts to once a day, because all these years I was always really self-conscious about the aesthetics of having today's date right above the post.  That's actually been weirdly helping me recently so that I don't go overboard writing heartbroken sad girl posts all day long, so I can get it out without breaking the sadness bank.  I think the biggest thing carrying me through these past few days at least have been this xanga and two online friends that have been virtually hugging it out with me for the last few days.

But something that I've found particular about the past week is that I've actually not had that moment where I'm by myself and I'm just overtaken by tears, where I just cry until I can't cry anymore.  It's kind of hard for me to believe, considering how absolutely heartbroken I am.  I've cried, DEFINITELY I've cried, mind you.  Sometimes I think I am perpetually crying, but I'm sure everyone knows the specific one I'm talking about.  That certain cry where you are as vulnerable as you can possibly be in your entire life.  I feel like I am bound for it, but I can't bring myself to let it happen.  I think it's because I'm still in denial that it's really over.  I think I'm afraid that if it happens, I'm accepting that it's over, even if that's not necessarily the case.  :(  The most I have broken down has been around Phuc.  But I always feel like my heart is in my throat.  Literally all day, from the time I wake up and until I go to sleep at night.  I always get that dropping feeling in my stomach whenever I even think of Phuc.  Whenever I try to realize that it's really over.  It's always really hard to not cry during work.  Phuc told me not to wait for him, everyone is telling me not to wait for him, because everyone tells me that it's really over and I need to move on.  It's hard to for me to accept that.

I've had a lot people tell me that it's okay for me to be sad, because I've been just nonstop trying so, so hard to get better ever since I got to Merced.

I really miss him.  I miss him so much.  I think about him non-stop, all the time.  I went to Target today and remembered how we always use to just walk around Target together after our dinner dates, and he'd make fun of me because I'd hold onto all the things I want to buy instead of putting them away in the cart, so I started crying right there, in the bathroom aisle.

I'm so sleepy.  This was one of my less productive posts, I didn't really say much at all.  Sometime soon, I have something really important to say.  There's a lot on my mind, but I'm lacking the energy to articulate it.  

Iuno, man. 

I'm just all over the place.  I put some of my probably now infamous "breakup posts" on protected for a total of one day, but I guess there's no point in censoring myself like that.  If you think I'm conceited and just full of it, then.. well, I'll be honest, that makes me sad.  But you know what?  No.  I've had this Xanga for nine years.  If you just want to throw yourself into my drama and hate on me, then well, you know what?!  Keep it to yourself 'cos then... I'll get really sad.

Sometimes, I just need this.  Sometimes, I need to just talk to the wind, talk to whoever will listen, and I find comfort in knowing that someone in the world knows what I'm thinking, and that maybe someone in the world cares about me.  It got me through middle school, in the ancient world known as "life before Phuc," so I decided that I just need this right now.

So I need this more than I care about people judging me.  Which, in all its misfortune, is much too much.

-+-

I think one of the harder things about this is how.. fine Phuc seems.  I actually saw him the other day.  I saw him the other day, and he actually told me, "I really think you'll meet someone that'll love you more than me."  Just writing that made me have to take a break from writing and just weep.  He seemed like he already forgot about our life together.  I wept, and he comforted me in past and future tense.  How he appreciated his past with me, and how he thought the future was hopeful for me.  All of this from the man I was still in love with.

Everyone is telling me that I need to move on, but it's so hard.  It's so hard.  I can't sleep at night, I just lie in bed crying because I miss Phuc.  I wish I could see this through his eyes so I could understand why it was so necessary to break my heart, but it's so hard when my own life feels like it's being torn down.  It's so hard when I just miss him so much.

Tonight is my first night by myself in Merced.  I'm a little worried.  It's my first night alone where I have to really face my feelings and my heartbreak.  I don't know how to imagine the hurt going away anytime soon.  People keep telling me that it'll get better with time.  I believe them, but it's so hard to be patient when I'm hurting as much as I am now.  When I'm still in love with Phuc as much as I am now.

The hardest thing is always imagining when Phuc will move on to another girl.  "You were my first love," he told me, "You'll always be the first girl I ever truly loved."  But what can I do when I'm still in love with him?  What will I do if I'm still madly in love with him when he moves on?  Every time that even crosses my mind, I'm just overtaken by tears and heartbreak, because I know it's going to happen someday.  I don't think I can get over him in time.  It's so hard.  Everyone keeps telling me that I need to move on so I can get over all this pain, but how can I just give him up like that?  I loved him for as long as I can remember.  How can you just tell me to do that?

-+-

I started picking up the broken pieces of my life today.

One of the worst aspects of losing Phuc was that I also lost my best friend.  I'm practically going through this alone.  I have the occasional phone call every few days, but I've had to make a few online friends.  But no shoulders to cry on, no girlfriends hugging it out with me.  No one banging on my door telling me to get out and start living life again.  I've never made that many friends since middle school, and it's really something else watching me just try to evaluate my situation.  Phuc always blamed it on himself, but I've just never been anything more than stationary.  Most people in my life, we'd be friends for one class, then when our schedules don't overlap anymore, we lose touch.  It's happened for nearly every person in high school, and practically everyone at UC Merced.  But I guess that shit has to change now, or else it's just a matter of time before more shit goes down.

It was to the point that today, on my first day of school, I literally had to SCRAMBLE for friends, because I was feeling just so alone and empty.  It was like the first day of freshman year all over again, except this time there are already people around campus that don't like me.  I met someone at the bus stop, and in the most creepy way possible, I asked for her contact information so we could keep in touch.  Repeat for the rest of the day with everyone that I interacted with, for even just a second.  I did it all with the saddest face possible, too, because all I could think of all day was my break-up with Phuc.  It was really as pathetic as you can imagine.   Iuno how people felt about that, I really think I put a lot of people off 'cos they think I'm a creep now, but that definitely really happened.

-+-

That's enough ranting for now.  I could go on for pages and pages more, but I really need to walk around or something.

Four days and two suicide attempts later, it's time to go outside.

I don't know if I can keep writing here like this.  Before, I was like, "Fuck it, this is me."  But I keep feeling that I'm being eavesdropped by people that enjoy seeing me like this, rather than just writing down my thoughts.  So many people hate me.

I can't believe this is how I'm spending my last day in Sacramento.

I had a bad night's sleep.  First, I was so lightheaded last night that I essentially passed out.  Then I kept waking up in the middle of the night.  I kept dreaming about Phuc, and I wasn't sure if it was doing me good or harm to go back to sleep to keep dreaming about him.  I feel like I'm being annoying the internet.  "I keep dreaming about him?"  What a cliché heartbroken girl.  But I get why those girls keep saying that, because evidently that's what actually happens when you get dumped by your sweetheart of almost six years.  After going back to sleep twice in the morning, I decided at 11 that it wasn't doing me any good to try to keep dreaming about Phuc, so I got up.  Only to endure what has potentially been the most agonizing two hours ever.  Time feels so slow, I feel like it should be 11 p.m. right now so I can go back to sleep soon.  Today is my last day in Sacramento, and I've just been lying here crying since the moment I woke up.

I had today and yesterday planned out, because I spent the last two weeks so excited to see Phuc yesterday.  I was going to prepare for Merced around the clock around our dates, but now I just feel like nothing.  I was supposed to get out of bed two hours ago and pack, but I just want to stay in bed, because I just feel like nothing.  

Phuc told me yesterday that maybe we'd meet up today (if "we'll discuss tomorrow" means maybe), but now he's just been rejecting all my calls and gave me a short text of "i'll call you later."  But even though I'm waiting by my phone now, a big part of me doesn't think he's going to call me later.  I hope he does, but most of me is doubtful.

Maybe it's because when we parted I was in such hysterics.  All I could say was, "What are you still doing here? Just go."  Now I feel like a poison that's finally out of his hair.  Now I feel like he's just leading me on, and he actually never wants to see my face again.  And to think that just yesterday morning, we were talking about bunnies.  Just last week, we were talking about all our plans to see each other this summer after I move back to Merced.  I don't get it.  Yesterday afternoon, I felt on top of the world because I couldn't wait for my date with Phuc.  And now, I just feel like nothing.

I miss knowing how he's doing or what he's up to.  I worry about him a lot -- "I think I just need to be alone right now."  I miss asking him about his day.  Now everything I do is done through tears.  I feel so miserable.  Whatever is the silver lining in this, it's hard for me to see it right now.  Right now, all I want is for him to take me back.  Right now, I just want time to move faster.  Right now, I just want to stay in bed and sleep.  

I hope Phuc agrees to meet with me today, before I back go to Merced tomorrow morning.  I have so many questions.

So Phuc just broke up with me.

Me writing these words on this page is probably the first thing that I haven't done in nearly six years.  The way that if you read me, you knew me, because I poured my heart into this Xanga.  Anything that was worth knowing about me, I wrote it down here, in this Xanga with nine years worth of memories and reflections and rambling.  

After I met Phuc, I wrote in here just so I can share my thoughts with the boy that I had a crush on.  We met on Xanga, when trying to make connections to other incoming students at Monterey Trail High School.  It was Diem's blogring, and Phuc and I were its first members.  After that, every blog update felt like I was having a conversation with him.  Then we started talking in theater, and we started talking all of the time, until we fell in love with each other.

Then my heart wasn't on my sleeve for the entire world anymore.  After that, for more than five and a half years, my heart was just for him.

Suffice it to say that I'm a mess right now.  I don't know what's going to happen from here.  But all I know right now is that Phuc broke up with me two hours ago.  It seemed like a completely normal date.  We got dinner then chilled in the car because we were both so full.  He seemed down the entire date, so I kept trying to cheer him up to no avail.  Then he broke up with me.  He kept asking me, "Do you want to talk about it?  Is there anything you want to say?"  But I didn't want to talk about it.  I was so taken aback by the words, "I love you, but I don't think we should be together anymore, I think I just need to be alone right now," that I just couldn't say anything.  I didn't ask anything.  If you asked me "WHY CHRISTA???" I actually don't know if I could answer you.  He's been talking to me less recently, but I didn't realize that he intended to break up with me, especially since we were making so many plans for summer together.  He reminded me today that we've been arguing a lot since we became a long distance relationship.  But I always thought we'd get through it.  The last year has been so hard for him, but I always thought I'd be able to support him through it.  I always thought I'd get to be there for him.  

I took it really poorly.  I got pretty hysterical and I'm pretty sure he was just, "yep i'm definitely breakin' up with her" the entire time I reacted.  The last thing I ever said to him was, "What are you still doing here?  Just go."  I've loved him for the entirety of my adult life, and in a cloud of shock and depression, that's all I could say before what was possibly the last time I'd ever see him.  I've gone through a lot of emotions in the last two hours.  I actually have a long history with depression, and saw some of that again today, so Phuc seemed really concerned about making sure that I got home safely.  I really needed to get a good cry out though, and walked to Lollicup to calm myself down before I went home.  A honeydew slush later, I'm feeling better now.  I did consider running away though -- I was pretty heartbroken.  But girl, you were not going anywhere in those shoes.  Those were definitely cute date shoes, not running away shoes.  I'm sitting on my bed right now with a pillow soothing my blistered toes.  I tried to be a hero and now I have blisters the size of nickels.

I've 'broken up' with Phuc before in momentary lapses of emotion, but today was so meditated and felt so conclusive.  I never talked about our 'break-ups' before, because they were so emotionally charged.  They exuded the feeling of "temporary," and they always were, but today felt so real.  It felt just... over.  I feel like calling him and asking him if he's okay, or telling him that I'm not okay, but this is my first real break-up, and I'm pretty sure that's taboo.  I don't know how this works.  I'm an amateur at this.  I've always questioned if I was ever good enough for him, and admittedly I'm questioning it more now than ever.

I don't know if I'm going to come back in two weeks with what would be the extremely welcome news that Phuc changed his mind and wants me back, or if I'm going to become that annoying girl that keeps posting annoying heartbreak blogs forever, or if I'm going to relapse into depression, or if I'm going to bounce back like one of those 25-cent superballs.  I always used to criticize those on-and-off couples, but when I'm actually in a position where I'm hurting as much as I am right now, all I really want right now is for him to take me back.  Maybe I'll move on, but it's hard to imagine anything like that right now.

I'm wondering just as much as you what's going to happen to both of us.  Are we seriously broken up for real?  Are we gonna be okay, emotionally and mentally? Even: whoa, what the hell just happened?  But right now, it feels so over.  He essentially just thanked me for the last few years, then drove me home when I refused to talk about it.  Right now, I'm still shocked by what just happened that it's hard to think about the next hour, let alone the next few days, weeks, months, years, the next lifetime without Phuc.

Heart, don't fail me now.

Update: I did the taboo and tried to call him.  He rejected all my calls.  It was legit voicemail-after-two-rings business all over.  Now I'm way more worried about him than I am involved in my own self-pity.  God, can someone just tell me that he's okay??  Also: I hate life right now.  I'm also way sadder.  Since I finished writing this, I've just spent the last two hours just crying in my bed.  Probably 'cos I finished my honeydew slush.