Today, I woke up feeling very complicated.
Usually, I spend a majority of the day looking forward to being able to spill my thoughts and feelings into this Xanga because I just have so much FEELINGS getting pent up in my brain and I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get them out. But for the last few days, I've just felt fine. Like I don't really have much to talk about.
Well, on Friday, I went to a staff BBQ, and learned that my boss has a simply amazing home. I pretty much want his life now. Gorgeous bathroom, gorgeous living room, gorgeous kitchen, gorgeous backyard. He and his wife just have a jaw-dropping home, to the point that many of the partygoers were literally just taking pictures of the various parts of his house that were impressive. There was a lot of "There is only 150 in the entire world of this poster" and a lot of "He was one of the original animators for ____ and he drew this just for my wife and me." I didn't know that a toaster could be so gorgeous and now I NEED random statues and sculptures in my house. I found a goal in life and it is to acquire my boss's amazing house and amazing life. @_@ good god
After the BBQ, I was supposed to be dropped off at home, but I yelled out, "I don't wanna go home!" like a child, and so my friend brought me back to his place and told me that entertaining me is like taking care of a little child. He gave me cocoa puffs and played board games with me, and he took a nap while I watched Man vs. Wild. He introduced me to his friends as, "You should know that she laughs at every.. single.. thing." We watched another show that was full of really bad puns and it just SLAYED me. Then he kept telling me that one interrupting cow joke again and I just could not stop laughing so he kept ripping on me. IT'S A FUNNY JOKE OK 
( I told him afterwards that I had a lot of fun, and he said, "Girl, you need to get out more." >___>. But now I feel like we've hung out together enough that I should get him a birthday present for his birthday soon! @__@ but i know nothing about him yet, i've only known him two weeks!!!! wuddoido
But for the last few days, I feel like my depression has subsided. It's so so weird because it happened very suddenly, but it's really just been total night and day. I hope I'm not being too optimistic, but I'm pretty damn optimistic right now. It's a mixture of things, including the support of some really great people, a bitchin' phone call, and completing my depression self-help book. But I just know that today, I feel like a normal person for the first time in a really long time, and it's kind of fantastic. I don't feel like I'm teetering on a wire or stepping on eggshells like all the previous times I got out of my depression. I feel... normal. It's a complicated story, but I'm currently hopeful. After my depression just fluttered away, I tried re-adding Phuc as a friend on Facebook (maybe in stupidity), but whatever, he hasn't accepted it and I'm just kind of, "okay then kid, i guess whenever you're ready lol" about it. And today, for the first time, when I thought of Phuc, I just kind of.. felt bad for him. It's been almost three weeks since he broke up with me, and today I just felt bad for the guy because he's just really missing out by not being with me. He has been missing out on all my growth and improvement in the last month. As far as he knows, I'm the same weak girl that he broke up with, and I feel really sorry for him that he isn't seeing who I am right now. If I've already made so much improvement in less than a month, who knows what I can do in the future? And he's the one choosing to not be a part of that. "I just need to be alone right now." Tsk, poor kid.
Because today, I woke up feeling kind of.. amazing. Although it set in after the usual, "OMG SNOOZE MORE, I STILL SLEEPY." But I don't remember the last time this has ever happened to me, ever ever ever. But Phuc hasn't contacted me at all since I left Sacramento, and today I just feel bad for him because no matter what's going on through his head, whether he misses me or he's over me, he's just totally missing out on a really cool, suave, fantastic girl. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but it kind of blows my mind because I've spent the last few years with just really awful, unshakably low self-esteem, literally just waiting for Phuc to leave me for another girl because I was just a horrible girlfriend and a terrible person. But my god, now I feel like everyday that passes and Phuc doesn't call me, he is missing out, because I am just kind of amazing. It's the first time in years that I just don't feel... delicate. I feel like I can take a punch to my metaphorical nads and bounce back, no problem. I read something totally heartbreaking on Phuc's page again, and I felt like.. normal sad. Lol! It's hard to explain, but even though I cried really big, I was relieved that I felt like a normal sad girl versus a super depressed girl in my reaction.
If Phuc doesn't come back, then I just know that he's going to regret all the years ahead of him where he never gave me a second chance. He's going to see all my growth and strength from the backseat, and I know he's going to regret it. He'll get with some inferior floozy that just isn't as amazing and cool as me, some ho that just can't love him the way I love him, some chick that can't make him laugh the way I can, some hobo that can't make him feel the way I made him feel, and he'll always regret and wonder what he missed by not giving me a second chance. And you know what? That's his loss. I miss him so much, but if he doesn't come back, that's more his loss than mine. Because he's missing out on a really fantastic girl.
Guh, maybe I sound full of myself or maybe I'm getting ahead of myself but I'm just so excited that I feel like a normal person, I can't get over it! Ahhh I hope it lasts a decent amount of time at least, because I know I'm gonna go emo missing Phuc again pretty soon loooooooool. >_<
But I'm feeling pretty darn cool right now. 
I'm cool like the Fonz.
EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Edit: LOL I read over this post again and I was just like, "oh dear god i'm gonna get so many haters T_T" and then I was like "omfg i'm hyping myself up too much i'm not actually all that" and there was a lot of "._. oh dear god i hope i'm not encouraging phuc to date because while i talk big now, that's actually very very saddening and makes me want to cry" and i actually miss phuc more than i make it sound and then i read about sad things for other people and i was like, "omg i'm talking about such petty things there are so many bigger things happening in the world" but ummmmmmmmmmmmm I'M AWESOME ANYWAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH T.T
>__________________________________>
i'm so fly.