Contrary to the post title, something I realized recently is that I may have been getting worse recently.  I've been losing some of my momentum and it was showing in my moods and thoughts.  It was harder to keep myself distracted or optimistic.

And I realized that I couldn't maintain my life without someone at the home base: Merced.  I went two years without ever telling anyone else at Merced about my business, with the exception of my therapist.  I feel myself losing wind and motivation.  I just feel so tired so often now.  But the past two years, I've never met someone that I could really confide in.  I've met some amazing friends that were great to hang out with, but no one that I could really just talk to.  And for the last... two or three days now, my only friend that I've really talked to is my Xanga.  

So I was at the library with one of my new friends today, and felt invested: "This is a really cool kid to hang out with, I hope we stay friends in the future."  And when he asked me about why my boyfriend broke up with me, I suddenly felt all of the loneliness and the lack of motivation and the tiredness, but I thought of how much I sincerely want and need my life to improve, and so instead of the canned, "Oh, he just said that something's missing in our relationship now," I took a deep breath, mustered courage, and pretty much told him my entire life story.  You know shit is intense when I'm telling him things that I haven't even told my Xanga.  He would give me the saddest eyes and he would need to take breaks to absorb the things I said.  I'm sure it was like, "good god i just met this girl and she's telling me all this stuff wtf," but I have finally done what I have never done before -- confide in a friend at college.  Then I told him, "I swear to god I need more friends so you better keep in touch with me," and he reacted like I wasn't a total weirdo, so I'm feeling good.  I even told him that if I was still dating Phuc, I would go home and call Phuc and say, "OMG Phuc I finally made a friend!"  I kept raving about how nice he is and how I was so grateful to meet a friend I could confide in, and so I hope he doesn't think I'm a psycho nut.  And he told me that he wanted to invite me to his friends to help me in my conquest to widen my social circle.  I told him, "Whenever I go home, I'm just a mess because I just can't stop thinking about how much I miss Phuc.  I'm really collected around people, but I'm just such a heartbroken girl when I'm by myself," and he said, "Then let's not go home."  So we just stayed there at the library and talked for four hours.  And I was thankful.  He took me grocery shopping, then told me to call him if I ever needed him, and he told me to stay safe, and I was thankful.  I really really really really really really really hope we keep in touch.  i rly need a friend T__T

But an essential moment of the day is that he told me that his girlfriend also has depression.  And for a moment, I told him about myself, and I could see him just... remembering.  He told me about his experiences with having a girlfriend with depression, and he was facing so many of the same challenges, difficulties, and frustrations that Phuc tried to endure with me.  I thought I was looking into the past, and it was like I was looking at my relationship through Phuc's eyes.  He told me about how hard it got, and he told me about how sometimes he just wanted to break.  And it really sounded like Phuc was just really tired of me.  He was really patient with me and tried hard for me, but he just got so tired of dealing with me.  In hindsight, there are so many things I would've done differently, so many things I did that I regret, now that I know what I am actually capable of.  I had so much strength that I was completely oblivious to this entire time.  I thought I couldn't do it because I wasn't strong enough, that there was nothing to do about my depression, I need to just ignore it as much as possible and pretend that I don't have it and that it doesn't exist.  Otherwise I am too weak to do anything.  But Christa, if you just tried harder, worked more, and really applied yourself, you would've known just how strong you actually are.  You would've seen what you could do for yourself and for your relationship.  But it's too late now.  It's too late now.

I still can't get it through my thick skull.

"I'm really naive to be hopeful, aren't I?"
"...It's okay.  But it's normal.  But maybe we're all wrong.  Give it time."

Everyone keeps telling me to give it time.  :(  but dude i wanna get better rite now bromigo

But I definitely think I made some headway today. TL;DR "OMG Phuc I finally made a friend!" ))))