June 22, 2011

  • I really wish this would happen faster.  

    Trying to get over Phuc hasn't gotten easier yet at all.  Sometimes it gets better and sometimes it gets worse, and right now I am feeling very "worse" about it.  I wonder if he will ever talk to me again.  If anyone has wondered, I don't know if Phuc reads anything I write.  I disabled my footprints so that I'm not so self-conscious when I write here, so the only people that I know that read this now are those that explicitly tell me in some way.  Some days I wonder if he'll ever come back, but today, I'm wondering if he'll ever even talk to me again.  We're just strangers to each other now.  Except at least one of us really misses the other, and is really heartbroken whenever she thinks about how much she misses him.

    By the advice of Chau, I watched that Wong Fu video, Strangers Again.  Were Phuc and I living out two completely separate relationships, where I was comfortable and he was just tolerating me?  But he fooled me pretty well.  Because I never knew, I just thought we were fine.  In hindsight, I guess I'm just a dumbass. :( I was blind to the things that Phuc saw that were wrong with us.  But I was happy with him... I really miss him.  Has he completely gotten rid of me?  I don't know, but I wonder.  I wonder if he ever thinks of me still, or if he's just completely rid of me.  I wonder if he's really happier without me.

    I will admit that it will damage me if he's happier without me, because I was insecure about that for most of the past two years: that I'm not good enough for him.  I guess... I really wasn't good enough for him.  And while it's something I wish I had, I do have really low self-esteem.  So it is damaging to think that he is happier without me, because I was worried about just that: he's happier without me because I'm not good enough for him.  I guess he confirmed it by breaking up with me... :(  Just another thing about myself that I need to work on, getting my self-esteem up.  Gwah gwah gwah.  Read all those articles about how lack of confidence is a huge turn-off, too, sheesh.  Gwah gwah gwah.

    I'm growing everyday, even though my heart refuses to heal.  My co-workers yell at me whenever I talk badly about myself.  I found a friend that also likes Fringe, House, and Bones.  I was told today that I dress nicely.  Small things like that help motivate me to keep going.

    I'm really really dreading a week from today.  It will be my first 28th without Phuc.  My first 28th without Phuc in five years and seven months.

    Short post, nothing special.  Kind of wordy, but I'm lazy right now. :( Just felt like I needed to let people know that while I'm still really sad and heartbroken, I'm safe.