June 21, 2011

  • I'm so goddamn frustrated.

    Today, I just sat on my floor and just completely broke down.

    I don't know if anyone is realizing this, but my life has almost literally started over again.  It's not just losing Phuc.  It's practically as close to possible as killing me and reviving me with a completely new life, except it comes with a starter kit of loneliness, heartbreak, and depression.  It feels like I need to rebuild my entire life.  Well done, world.

    Nearly EVERYTHING is different. Nearly all of the friends I have ever made at UC Merced in the last two years are transferring this year. I've honestly lost basically all of them with the only exception of my housemates. When I said that it was like I was having my first day of school all over again, I meant it. I probably might as well have moved to a new city, that's how few friends I still had at UC Merced after everyone transferred out or graduated.

    Then my boyfriend of almost six years broke up with me in the most abrupt way possible. Then I found myself in the emergency room for the first time in my life, and almost the only time in my life. Then it's my first time ever moving off-campus: brand new house, brand new room, brand new housemates. Then I started my very first job. And all of this happened in a span of less than five days. I mean, what the fuck.

    So the friends in Merced I have now are far and few between. Most of the friends I have at UC Merced now are those that I have made in the past week. And I'm going to be realistic. I'm not going to become best friends with all of them. We're not all going to live our lives out together as best buddies forever. While I may try to maintain the friendships I have made in the past week, I might not even see some of them around campus ever again. So far I have made a wealth of acquaintances, but still not that many friends -- that takes time and even more work.  So as if I wasn't already feeling completely abandoned, I found out today that yet another of my best friends at UC Merced is transferring out, in less than a week. It really affected me, I was heartbroken that even more of my friends are still leaving, considering how few friends I have already.  It's like the numbers are dwindling by the second. I was so.. I was looking forward to hanging out with her this year, too. ...She made me feel really welcome and hopeful when I hung out with her at the beginning of summer. And now she's leaving too.

    Then I lost my iPod today. As if things don't suck already, I lost my iPod. My iPod with the cute Keroppi decal and everything. It wouldn't have been that big a deal, say, a month ago, but I can't believe on top of everything else, I lost my iPod. Then my partner for a project at work made me wait two hours for her then she didn't even apologize so I just wanted to sock her in the uterus and punch her in the eye.  It's like I just can't catch a break.  All I can say is good grief.

    So today I just sat on my floor and cried from all of the stress that apparently comes with rebuilding your entire life from the ground up. Who would've guessed? It's like I've been cruelly shoved off a cliff in every single way and the only way I'll survive is by climbing back up by fighting tooth and nail. And I never even got a chance to prepare. I never saw any of this coming as recently as two weeks ago.

    Christa-of-two-weeks-ago, did you know that very very soon, you would practically start your entire life over in the span of five days? I mean, seriously, what the fuck. Hardly two weeks ago, my main priority was rewatching episodes of American Dad. Now I am almost literally starting my entire life over. My boyfriend is gone and now he texts me like I'm a cockroach. All my old friends are gone. My iPod is gone. New house, new job, new pet. I have to rebuild my entire life now, and I didn't even get to see it coming. I was blindfolded and pushed off a cliff and now I am struggling just to survive. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a bad dream and I need to wake up. 

    And it is stressful.  It is stressful and it is tiring and it is hard as hell.  Sometimes I really feel like I'm going to pull through, and sometimes I'm just so stressed out and so frustrated and so distraught by the fact that suddenly my entire life has crumbled down before me in less than a week and now I have to exert everything in my fiber to rebuild my life.  It takes so much effort.  Honestly, it is so hard.  I feel like I say that all the time now, but that's what it is.  It's hard.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning, just so tired of all this work, but I need to push myself if I want to rebuild my life.  I wish I could handle just one thing at once, but no.  No, I need to handle getting dumped by my boyfriend of nearly six years, I need to re-make all my friends because practically all my friends left, I need to conquer my depression, I need to handle worrying whether or not I can afford next month's rent, I need to adapt to my first job and a completely new living experience, and I need to handle the physical aftermath of the emergency room, all at the same time.  All with no pity, all of these hardships just mercilessly piling onto me and weighing me down all at the same time.  And sometimes, like today, it just feels like much too much to do all at once.  And now apparently I need to handle losing my iPod, too.  What a bitch. 

    But according to Honest Christa, I'm strong so that means I gotta handle my business.  If it takes fighting tooth and nail for me to stay afloat, then I'm going to fight tooth and nail.  But seriously.  Fuck this shit.