I thought I lost myself last night.

I still don't know what to do. I feel a little helpless sometimes. It's probably apparent that last night I felt more like really really helpless. "It's okay to be sad." I feel like that's so true, that's so accurate, but I'd just rather not be sad. I'm torn on this. But today was really nice.  I was so tired, but then my sister and Patrick came by to hang out with me and cheer me up and talk to me.  And it helped motivate me to keep going, because she told me that the lifestyle changes that I'm doing now to conquer my depression is awesome and healthy for me.

I read my Xanga posts several times through the day after I post them, and reading over my post from yesterday made me cry a LOT. I felt numb throughout parts of the morning and afternoon, and I was sincerely worried that I was going to relapse again.  But then something really cool happened. There's actually one thing about yesterday's that really stood out to me, besides all the sad stuff. The words: "I'm so strong during the day..."

I wrote almost the entirety of that post in absolute tears, just crying and yelling out the words as I was writing them down. It was this extremely vulnerable moment of honesty that I poured out into written word. And in a moment of honesty, I said that I was strong. I actually said those words: I'm strong. And knowing the state I was in last night, I knew that I actually meant it.

I actually don't rememeber the last time I said that. I don't remember the last time I even thought that. I knew I had strength deep within me, but I never felt that I was able to access it. I thought it was a world away from me. "I'm strong."

I guess it's true. You never realize just how strong you are until you need to be.

Something refreshing for me that helps motivate me to keep going is the way that I completely feel like I am handling two separate hurdles: overcoming the heartbreak of Phuc leaving me, and finally overcoming my depression. It's a little complex how I know, but I can really just feel it. I reach for completely different thoughts when I manage the two, although there are places where the two areas overlap. For example, I'm learning a lot about what parts of my depression I need to tackle by remembering my recent time with Phuc. But otherwise, they feel like two separate obstacles that I need to face.

Whenever I remember that, I remember that I'm not doing this for Phuc. I'm sure people have been wondering that, but I can really say that I'm not. And there's really something great about that. It's refreshing, because I know that I mean it.  I mean, I miss him, and I want him back, and if in the future, once I nurture and maintain the changes in my life, he could appreciate and feel for me again, then that would be great.  But for some reason I have been considering my break-up and my depression two completely separate things. He kept yelling at me after he broke up with me that I kept doing things for him. So I am ecstatic to realize that I can very earnestly say that I am not doing this for Phuc. I am getting better for me.  There's something amazing about that.

There's something amazing about knowing that I can say the words "I'm strong" and know that I actually mean it.

-+-

I went jogging today for the first time in years. I always used the bike or walked the treadmill or used the bike when I used the gym at school, but today I jogged for the first time in years. And I realized that jogging was a good analogy for my situation with my depression. It was difficult, because I hadn't done it in so long. I didn't want to, but once I started, I just wanted to keep going as much as I could. The entire time, I was afraid of falling or getting kidnapped, I was afraid of failure. By the end, my legs were sore and my side hurt, but I felt good. And I knew that if I kept it up, then I would finally feel better about my self-image and get more confidence.  So I know that even though its super tiring, my lifestyle changes are worth it.  I just need to keep making moves and I just need to keep working at it.

I hope that made sense. I'm a little lazy 'cos I'm sleepy.

SO SLEEP HAPPENS NOW