Dear Christa,

I know you're hurting.  I know the place you're in.  You think it's new, but you've walked these steps before.  Your footprints are everywhere.  You've been here before, many times.  Heartbreak.  Your wall has a rich tapestry of heartbreak.  As of today, you have now tasted it in all its flavors.  You know every variation of bitter, praying to dear God for the day that you can taste the sweet.

I don't know how to tell you in a way that's going to make you believe me.  I don't know how to tell you because you've never believed anyone in your life in the last two years.  I know how you always discount the good and can only see the bad in yourself.  You have the scars to prove it.  You have the pain to prove it.  You've been damaging yourself for a while.  A good, long while.  You've fallen in this pit, and your fingers are bleeding to the bone because you've done nothing but climb only to fall, and fall, and fall.  I know it seems like it's been hurting forever and a day, but please, listen to me now.

You've been alone.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it.  You've been alone much longer than this past week.  You've been alone for months, you've been alone for years.  You've been alone ever since the day that you decided to eat lunch alone in the bathroom on the first day of high school.  You even said yourself, "I don't need friends."  You would just keep washing your hands so that passerbys wouldn't wonder about you.  You would listen to U2 on your iPod and just stare at the roof from the inside of the bathroom stall.  You threw yourself into that pit of lions, and you let yourself be torn to shreds.  You let Phuc slip through your hands long before the day that you met him.

You hate yourself.  But why?  Yeah, I've heard it all from you.  You've told me about how you're so ugly that no one would ever love you, you're so fat that you don't deserve anyone, you told me about how you think you'd be better off dead, you told me about how no one loves you, you told me about how everyone hates you.  But why?

"It's the truth."

It's the truth.  It's the truth.  It's the truth.

Hey, you know what?

FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Fucking, bull, shit.  Fucking bullshit.  Bull to the shit from the fucking of the bullshit.  Get your goddamn shit together and get it out of my motherfucking house right now because you need to get your goddamn head in the fucking game and see the world for what it is.

You are motherfucking,

you are just so motherfucking

more than this.

Boo hoo, you want to die, what's the point, oh, "I'm worthless, no one would care if I live or die."  Suck the fuck up because you are just fucking amazing.  Deal with it.  You are motherfucking amazing.  Don't believe it?  Well suck it up and deal with it, because THAT's the truth.

Have you seen yourself?  I mean really, have you just fucking seen yourself?  You've been putting yourself down all your life, the past, what?  Eleven years?  Missed all of fifth grade because the kids were making fun of your hair and your chub.  Hey, you know what?  Fuck them.  FUCK.  THEM.

It's took twenty goddamn fucking years to finally apply yourself.  It took two major life events and one week.  One, fucking, week.  Have you SEEN yourself in this past week?  Your life has turned.. the fuck.. around.  A motherfucking 540 degrees.  The ONLY TRUE LOVE you have EVER known just WALKED out on you.  You almost DIED.  You almost died.  You almost died.  You get that through your motherfucking head.  You were going to die.  You should be dead right now.  Fucking get that through your head because you did, and you son of a bitch, it is serious, okay?  You should be dead right now.  Get that through your goddamn head and look at yourself.

And you know what you'll see? You are amazing.  Less then one fucking week and you are turning your entire life around.  You are just turning your entire life around.  Don't you DARE slack off.  Fine, you're impressed, but this is just the start.  This is just the foundation.  You are making a lifestyle change and changing a lifestyle definitely takes more than a week.  You are going to lose your motivation, you are going to get tired, you are going to want to give up and throw in the towel and you will NOT.  In the next few months, in the next few years, don't you dare slack off.  DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.  And you're going to make it.  And it's not going to magically just happen just because you say it will, like all the other times you have said that and failed.  No.  You are a hardworker.  I know you.  I know who you are and when you are passionate about something, you will work your goddamn ass off for it.  You are going to work hard and you are going to make it.  You know why? Because you are amazing.

And don't fucking tell me about that muffin top, that pimple on your forehead, don't fucking tell me one more word about those scars, because you are amazing.

Fucking beautiful. Fucking, BEAUTIFUL. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.  BUT STILL, GET YOUR ASS TO THE GYM.  Don't get too full of yourself.  It's unattractive.  ZING, BITCH.

Don't fucking tell me that there's no future left for you.  You have no clue.  You just have no fucking clue.  Have you fucking seen what happens when you really apply yourself?

Boo hoo, you can't make any friends, no one would like you, it's too hard, everyone hates you, you'll never keep in touch, you'll never stay friends anyway, what's the point.  You know what?  Fuck you.  Fuck.. you.  Fucking look at yourself.  How many friends have you made in just this past week because you really applied yourself?  Yeah, that's right.  You can't count.  You remember all their names?  Fuck right, you do.  You gonna talk to them again?  Fuck yeah, you will.  You want to go somewhere with all your friends?  Well sorry because you'll need a parade permit to fit that.

So step one, right?  Made friends.  A shit ton of friends, and you're gonna keep going.  You know why?  'Cos you're fucking amazing and it's just inevitable.  You can't help that shit.  You're awesome, it's just gonna fucking happen whether you like it or not.  You are going to keep applying yourself, you are going to maintain these friendships through hell and high water, because you are going to actively work towards staying motivated, you are going to apply yourself, you are going to keep going, you are going to get better.

You are going to get better.

You were always, always the only one that ever held yourself back.  You want to know why you're alone?  You want to know why you've always been alone for the past half of your life?

Because of you.  It's always been because of you.

And you are going to get better.

Believe me this time.  Please, for the love of God, believe me this time.  You are going to get better.  It's going to be hard, but you are going to keep working.  You are going to turn yourself around, and you are going to live this life.  You are going to live this life.  

You know why?

Because you're not going to hold yourself back anymore.  You are not going to hide behind some sad whiny, "Oh, it's too hard, I can't do it, it's so hard."  You are going to apply yourself, because now you know what you can do.  You know what you are capable of.  Look at yourself.  You keep telling me, "Oh, I'm going to really try this time," "It's different this time," "I'm going to try harder this time."  Look at yourself.  Look at yourself.  Did you?  Did you follow through with all of those things you said you were going to do?  You did for a little while, but when things got comfortable, you stopped, gave up, and reverted back to your comfortable self-hatred party.  You are not going to make that mistake again.  You know why?  Okay, so let's see.  So do you like yourself?  No.  Are you secure with yourself?  No.  Are you happy?  No.  This is not just some, "tough luck, try again next time" business.  This is your life.  You lost Phuc.  You lost Phuc.  You lost him.  You know why?  Yeah.  You know why.  Because you gave up on yourself.  You just gave up on yourself.  You looked in the mirror every morning just waiting to die.  You lost Phuc, and I am not letting you lose yourself.

I am not letting you lose yourself.  So help me God, please.  Please.  Do you see yourself?  You're losing yourself.  You keep giving up on yourself, you keep telling yourself you're not worth it, you keep telling yourself that you never deserved Phuc, you keep telling yourself that you were just a mistake, you were never meant to be part of his life, you were just a regret, you are just a blur, you are just gone, you are just gone, you are just gone.  Please.  Please, look at yourself.  Please, look at yourself crying in your bed every night, every night for so long, just so long, for so many months, just waiting to die, just waiting to die.  Please, look at yourself.  You have a real, sincere psychological problem.  And you do not want to keep living like this.  You think it's easier, you think it's impossible to get better, you think you're a lost hope.  But you are so much more than this.  I know you don't believe me right now, but you are.  I will tell it to you a million times every day for the rest of your life until you realize that you are truly more than this.  People love you so much and you don't want this anymore.  You want to get better.  And you will get better.  You must get better.  Your heart hurts so much.  You're hurting so much.  You don't want this.  You don't want this.  You don't want this.  Please.  Listen to me.

It was two months into your relationship with Phuc, do you remember?  He grabbed you by the arms.  Your arms covered in cuts and bruises, your arms so ugly and so deformed by all your self-mutilation.  And he kissed him.  He touched them so gently.  He kissed the scars and he told you he loved you for the first time.  And you promised him you would never hurt yourself again, and you never touched yourself with so much hatred for another five years.  Do you remember?  Do you remember the love you felt?  Do you remember how safe you felt?  Do you remember how beautiful you felt?  And you worked, and you worked on your life, and you worked on your relationship.  You loved for nearly six years, and you healed, all the scars are gone now, all because you never gave up.

But then you did.  You gave into your depression and you just gave up.  You stopped communicating.  You just hated yourself everyday.  You hated yourself constantly, around the clock, and you dragged Phuc down with you.  Your self-hate was destroying both of you.  He had to leave you.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry, I know it's so hard to hear, and I know you might not believe it sometimes, but Christa, he had to.  He had to leave you.  I'm sorry, but he just couldn't do it anymore.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry.  But you just gave up.  You just gave up on your life and you stopped working.  You were so stubborn.  So arrogant.  You cried so much, at everything.  Everything just reminded you of how much you hated yourself.  You thought you were useless and you always thought you were right.  You are such a dangerous combination.  You stupid girl.  He never stopped telling you that you were beautiful, he never stopped telling you that he loved you, and you just stopped believing it and you stopped listening because all you did was hate yourself.  He held you close and he was so patient with you and all you did was shut him down because all you could think of was the hate that you had for yourself and the depression that haunted you every night.  You gave up, and then all you ever did was hate yourself.  You stupid girl.

And you hate yourself now because you're the reason why Phuc isn't with you anymore.  You're the reason why you're feeling so much pain and why you're going through so much heartbreak and why you're just so sad, so sad all the time.  Your heart hurts so much that you don't know what to do, and all you can think is that all you'll ever do is be heartbroken the rest of your life.  I know how much you're hurting.

And you are going to get better.  You are going to make yourself better.  It's not just going to magically happen by itself.  You have to make yourself better.  And it's going to happen.

Because you are amazing.

You are going to learn from this and you are going to heal.  Just like you healed before, you will heal again.  You will heal.

But it won't be easy.  To get better, you need to keep working.  Look at your past.  You know it's true.  You've said you'd change things, but it got too hard, it took too long, and you gave up.  Well, it's time to not just settle for what's easier.  "I don't need to talk about this with him, because that's easier."  For months.  For months and months and he just couldn't handle you anymore.  You used to work on your life and your relationship so much, and that's when you were happiest together, right?  Then when you gave up on yourself, everyday was just self-hate, self-hate, self-hate, until the day that you lost everything.  So you cannot give up.  You know what's on the line now.  You cannot give up.

You need to get better.  Not later, now.  You need to start now.  And you cannot give up.  You must keep working.  I know it's hard.  I know it's hard when you hate yourself so much right now.  I know it's hard when all you want to do is let your heart fall to pieces.  I know it's hard after all of the times that you have tried and failed.  It is too hard, but deal with it.  It is too tough, but deal with it.  It's going to take a while, but deal with it.  Don't slack off.  Don't fuck up.  Just keep your head in the game.  Think about you.  Think about you.  Think about just how amazing it is to just, be happy.  Remember what you can do when you work on it, when you apply yourself, when you just never give up, when you never give in.  You need to keep yourself motivated, you need to ALWAYS keep working on it, don't ever forget that.  Even if you think you feel better, don't stop working on it.  Never stop working on it just because you're comfortable now, never stop working on it just because you think it'd be easier not to.  That's why you lost Phuc.  Don't lose yourself, too.

Close your eyes, forget the pain, just forget the pain for a second.  Remember how safe you felt that lifetime ago, when you allowed yourself to be loved and you allowed yourself to be happy.  Remember that lifetime ago without all this self-hatred, without all this defeat.  Really, just take a second and close your eyes, and remember.  Wash yourself in it.  Remember how beautiful it felt when you just let yourself just be happy.

Then chase it.

Just keep chasing it.