Day's almost over, and I was about to go to bed, when I realized I didn't write here yet, even though I planned to almost all day.

I always try to limit my Xanga posts to once a day, because all these years I was always really self-conscious about the aesthetics of having today's date right above the post.  That's actually been weirdly helping me recently so that I don't go overboard writing heartbroken sad girl posts all day long, so I can get it out without breaking the sadness bank.  I think the biggest thing carrying me through these past few days at least have been this xanga and two online friends that have been virtually hugging it out with me for the last few days.

But something that I've found particular about the past week is that I've actually not had that moment where I'm by myself and I'm just overtaken by tears, where I just cry until I can't cry anymore.  It's kind of hard for me to believe, considering how absolutely heartbroken I am.  I've cried, DEFINITELY I've cried, mind you.  Sometimes I think I am perpetually crying, but I'm sure everyone knows the specific one I'm talking about.  That certain cry where you are as vulnerable as you can possibly be in your entire life.  I feel like I am bound for it, but I can't bring myself to let it happen.  I think it's because I'm still in denial that it's really over.  I think I'm afraid that if it happens, I'm accepting that it's over, even if that's not necessarily the case.  :(  The most I have broken down has been around Phuc.  But I always feel like my heart is in my throat.  Literally all day, from the time I wake up and until I go to sleep at night.  I always get that dropping feeling in my stomach whenever I even think of Phuc.  Whenever I try to realize that it's really over.  It's always really hard to not cry during work.  Phuc told me not to wait for him, everyone is telling me not to wait for him, because everyone tells me that it's really over and I need to move on.  It's hard to for me to accept that.

I've had a lot people tell me that it's okay for me to be sad, because I've been just nonstop trying so, so hard to get better ever since I got to Merced.

I really miss him.  I miss him so much.  I think about him non-stop, all the time.  I went to Target today and remembered how we always use to just walk around Target together after our dinner dates, and he'd make fun of me because I'd hold onto all the things I want to buy instead of putting them away in the cart, so I started crying right there, in the bathroom aisle.

I'm so sleepy.  This was one of my less productive posts, I didn't really say much at all.  Sometime soon, I have something really important to say.  There's a lot on my mind, but I'm lacking the energy to articulate it.