Iuno, man.
I'm just all over the place. I put some of my probably now infamous "breakup posts" on protected for a total of one day, but I guess there's no point in censoring myself like that. If you think I'm conceited and just full of it, then.. well, I'll be honest, that makes me sad. But you know what? No. I've had this Xanga for nine years. If you just want to throw yourself into my drama and hate on me, then well, you know what?! Keep it to yourself 'cos then... I'll get really sad. 
Sometimes, I just need this. Sometimes, I need to just talk to the wind, talk to whoever will listen, and I find comfort in knowing that someone in the world knows what I'm thinking, and that maybe someone in the world cares about me. It got me through middle school, in the ancient world known as "life before Phuc," so I decided that I just need this right now.
So I need this more than I care about people judging me. Which, in all its misfortune, is much too much.
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I think one of the harder things about this is how.. fine Phuc seems. I actually saw him the other day. I saw him the other day, and he actually told me, "I really think you'll meet someone that'll love you more than me." Just writing that made me have to take a break from writing and just weep. He seemed like he already forgot about our life together. I wept, and he comforted me in past and future tense. How he appreciated his past with me, and how he thought the future was hopeful for me. All of this from the man I was still in love with.
Everyone is telling me that I need to move on, but it's so hard. It's so hard. I can't sleep at night, I just lie in bed crying because I miss Phuc. I wish I could see this through his eyes so I could understand why it was so necessary to break my heart, but it's so hard when my own life feels like it's being torn down. It's so hard when I just miss him so much.
Tonight is my first night by myself in Merced. I'm a little worried. It's my first night alone where I have to really face my feelings and my heartbreak. I don't know how to imagine the hurt going away anytime soon. People keep telling me that it'll get better with time. I believe them, but it's so hard to be patient when I'm hurting as much as I am now. When I'm still in love with Phuc as much as I am now.
The hardest thing is always imagining when Phuc will move on to another girl. "You were my first love," he told me, "You'll always be the first girl I ever truly loved." But what can I do when I'm still in love with him? What will I do if I'm still madly in love with him when he moves on? Every time that even crosses my mind, I'm just overtaken by tears and heartbreak, because I know it's going to happen someday. I don't think I can get over him in time. It's so hard. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to move on so I can get over all this pain, but how can I just give him up like that? I loved him for as long as I can remember. How can you just tell me to do that?
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I started picking up the broken pieces of my life today.
One of the worst aspects of losing Phuc was that I also lost my best friend. I'm practically going through this alone. I have the occasional phone call every few days, but I've had to make a few online friends. But no shoulders to cry on, no girlfriends hugging it out with me. No one banging on my door telling me to get out and start living life again. I've never made that many friends since middle school, and it's really something else watching me just try to evaluate my situation. Phuc always blamed it on himself, but I've just never been anything more than stationary. Most people in my life, we'd be friends for one class, then when our schedules don't overlap anymore, we lose touch. It's happened for nearly every person in high school, and practically everyone at UC Merced. But I guess that shit has to change now, or else it's just a matter of time before more shit goes down.
It was to the point that today, on my first day of school, I literally had to SCRAMBLE for friends, because I was feeling just so alone and empty. It was like the first day of freshman year all over again, except this time there are already people around campus that don't like me. I met someone at the bus stop, and in the most creepy way possible, I asked for her contact information so we could keep in touch. Repeat for the rest of the day with everyone that I interacted with, for even just a second. I did it all with the saddest face possible, too, because all I could think of all day was my break-up with Phuc. It was really as pathetic as you can imagine. Iuno how people felt about that, I really think I put a lot of people off 'cos they think I'm a creep now, but that definitely really happened.
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That's enough ranting for now. I could go on for pages and pages more, but I really need to walk around or something.