June 10, 2011

  • I can't believe this is how I'm spending my last day in Sacramento.

    I had a bad night's sleep.  First, I was so lightheaded last night that I essentially passed out.  Then I kept waking up in the middle of the night.  I kept dreaming about Phuc, and I wasn't sure if it was doing me good or harm to go back to sleep to keep dreaming about him.  I feel like I'm being annoying the internet.  "I keep dreaming about him?"  What a cliché heartbroken girl.  But I get why those girls keep saying that, because evidently that's what actually happens when you get dumped by your sweetheart of almost six years.  After going back to sleep twice in the morning, I decided at 11 that it wasn't doing me any good to try to keep dreaming about Phuc, so I got up.  Only to endure what has potentially been the most agonizing two hours ever.  Time feels so slow, I feel like it should be 11 p.m. right now so I can go back to sleep soon.  Today is my last day in Sacramento, and I've just been lying here crying since the moment I woke up.

    I had today and yesterday planned out, because I spent the last two weeks so excited to see Phuc yesterday.  I was going to prepare for Merced around the clock around our dates, but now I just feel like nothing.  I was supposed to get out of bed two hours ago and pack, but I just want to stay in bed, because I just feel like nothing.  

    Phuc told me yesterday that maybe we'd meet up today (if "we'll discuss tomorrow" means maybe), but now he's just been rejecting all my calls and gave me a short text of "i'll call you later."  But even though I'm waiting by my phone now, a big part of me doesn't think he's going to call me later.  I hope he does, but most of me is doubtful.

    Maybe it's because when we parted I was in such hysterics.  All I could say was, "What are you still doing here? Just go."  Now I feel like a poison that's finally out of his hair.  Now I feel like he's just leading me on, and he actually never wants to see my face again.  And to think that just yesterday morning, we were talking about bunnies.  Just last week, we were talking about all our plans to see each other this summer after I move back to Merced.  I don't get it.  Yesterday afternoon, I felt on top of the world because I couldn't wait for my date with Phuc.  And now, I just feel like nothing.

    I miss knowing how he's doing or what he's up to.  I worry about him a lot -- "I think I just need to be alone right now."  I miss asking him about his day.  Now everything I do is done through tears.  I feel so miserable.  Whatever is the silver lining in this, it's hard for me to see it right now.  Right now, all I want is for him to take me back.  Right now, I just want time to move faster.  Right now, I just want to stay in bed and sleep.  

    I hope Phuc agrees to meet with me today, before I back go to Merced tomorrow morning.  I have so many questions.