June 9, 2011

• So Phuc just broke up with me.

  Me writing these words on this page is probably the first thing that I haven't done in nearly six years.  The way that if you read me, you knew me, because I poured my heart into this Xanga.  Anything that was worth knowing about me, I wrote it down here, in this Xanga with nine years worth of memories and reflections and rambling.  

  After I met Phuc, I wrote in here just so I can share my thoughts with the boy that I had a crush on.  We met on Xanga, when trying to make connections to other incoming students at Monterey Trail High School.  It was Diem's blogring, and Phuc and I were its first members.  After that, every blog update felt like I was having a conversation with him.  Then we started talking in theater, and we started talking all of the time, until we fell in love with each other.

  Then my heart wasn't on my sleeve for the entire world anymore.  After that, for more than five and a half years, my heart was just for him.

  Suffice it to say that I'm a mess right now.  I don't know what's going to happen from here.  But all I know right now is that Phuc broke up with me two hours ago.  It seemed like a completely normal date.  We got dinner then chilled in the car because we were both so full.  He seemed down the entire date, so I kept trying to cheer him up to no avail.  Then he broke up with me.  He kept asking me, "Do you want to talk about it?  Is there anything you want to say?"  But I didn't want to talk about it.  I was so taken aback by the words, "I love you, but I don't think we should be together anymore, I think I just need to be alone right now," that I just couldn't say anything.  I didn't ask anything.  If you asked me "WHY CHRISTA???" I actually don't know if I could answer you.  He's been talking to me less recently, but I didn't realize that he intended to break up with me, especially since we were making so many plans for summer together.  He reminded me today that we've been arguing a lot since we became a long distance relationship.  But I always thought we'd get through it.  The last year has been so hard for him, but I always thought I'd be able to support him through it.  I always thought I'd get to be there for him.  

  I took it really poorly.  I got pretty hysterical and I'm pretty sure he was just, "yep i'm definitely breakin' up with her" the entire time I reacted.  The last thing I ever said to him was, "What are you still doing here?  Just go."  I've loved him for the entirety of my adult life, and in a cloud of shock and depression, that's all I could say before what was possibly the last time I'd ever see him.  I've gone through a lot of emotions in the last two hours.  I actually have a long history with depression, and saw some of that again today, so Phuc seemed really concerned about making sure that I got home safely.  I really needed to get a good cry out though, and walked to Lollicup to calm myself down before I went home.  A honeydew slush later, I'm feeling better now.  I did consider running away though -- I was pretty heartbroken.  But girl, you were not going anywhere in those shoes.  Those were definitely cute date shoes, not running away shoes.  I'm sitting on my bed right now with a pillow soothing my blistered toes.  I tried to be a hero and now I have blisters the size of nickels.

  I've 'broken up' with Phuc before in momentary lapses of emotion, but today was so meditated and felt so conclusive.  I never talked about our 'break-ups' before, because they were so emotionally charged.  They exuded the feeling of "temporary," and they always were, but today felt so real.  It felt just... over.  I feel like calling him and asking him if he's okay, or telling him that I'm not okay, but this is my first real break-up, and I'm pretty sure that's taboo.  I don't know how this works.  I'm an amateur at this.  I've always questioned if I was ever good enough for him, and admittedly I'm questioning it more now than ever.

  I don't know if I'm going to come back in two weeks with what would be the extremely welcome news that Phuc changed his mind and wants me back, or if I'm going to become that annoying girl that keeps posting annoying heartbreak blogs forever, or if I'm going to relapse into depression, or if I'm going to bounce back like one of those 25-cent superballs.  I always used to criticize those on-and-off couples, but when I'm actually in a position where I'm hurting as much as I am right now, all I really want right now is for him to take me back.  Maybe I'll move on, but it's hard to imagine anything like that right now.

  I'm wondering just as much as you what's going to happen to both of us.  Are we seriously broken up for real?  Are we gonna be okay, emotionally and mentally? Even: whoa, what the hell just happened?  But right now, it feels so over.  He essentially just thanked me for the last few years, then drove me home when I refused to talk about it.  Right now, I'm still shocked by what just happened that it's hard to think about the next hour, let alone the next few days, weeks, months, years, the next lifetime without Phuc.

  Heart, don't fail me now.

  Update: I did the taboo and tried to call him.  He rejected all my calls.  It was legit voicemail-after-two-rings business all over.  Now I'm way more worried about him than I am involved in my own self-pity.  God, can someone just tell me that he's okay??  Also: I hate life right now.  I'm also way sadder.  Since I finished writing this, I've just spent the last two hours just crying in my bed.  Probably 'cos I finished my honeydew slush.

  • 11:41 pm
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