I need to get my boss game up.

I'm pretty much a huge spaz, I'm endlessly awkward, I overshare to the max, I'm pretty desperate, and that hopeless optimist in me is itching to come out again.  I'm currently a pessimist and an optimist rolled into one burrito.  Sometimes I look outside the window and I look at everyone around me and the world just seems so beautiful and amazing, and other times I think of Phuc and then I miss him so much and then it's just OTL the whole time.  But I honestly think I'm getting worse in terms of getting over Phuc.  Recently I've just been missing him more and more.  I know it's only been a month, but still.  I'd rather just be.. okay.  You know?  Instead of all this, "give it time, woman" whatnot.  I'm so impatient.  I just want it to be like poof, now I'm all better.  but i miss heem.  t.t  Sometimes I fall to my knees and yell out Phuc's name "STELLAAA" style.  LOL JK.  But srsly, I actually really really miss him.  Story of my life, amirite?  Sigh.

But my lab experience abruptly got supremely busy after finally meeting with the professor today, and she promptly dumped a huge binder full of papers and three textbooks on me to read up on for background information.  And I got a flood of e-mails with additional papers that I should read.  And she wants this all read by next week!  And I need to go to a microscopy class and a consortium meeting tomorrow!  And omg! AAAAAAA WTF.  But I worked with Mr. Supervisor for the first time today, and I never knew that filtering water could be so fun!  He kept teasing me that he couldn't tell if I was being sarcastic or sincere in my excitement about filtering water and preparing PBS stock solutions, but secretly I was really having the time of my life.  Also I couldn't tell if his laugh was sincere or mocking when I said, "Time to boss this PBS!!!"  But I could not imagine being more enthusiastic about doing unit conversions.  He made it so exciting, I felt like I was Indiana Jones of the stock solutions.  Goooood stuff!  I know that all I really did was read and do chores, but I still feel like I had a good day in the lab.  And then read more and more and more.  I'm actually taking a break from reading right now, so shhhhhh, don't tell my professor! @_@!!

NVM NEED TO GO BACK TO READING

i guess i will save interesting things for later lol

I'm having that problem where I just miss Phuc like hell.

Maybe it's the rain reminding me of the first time we kissed in the rain, where we were under his umbrella but he moved it out of the way on purpose just to kiss me in the rain.  Maybe it's because Adele playing on iTunes is apparently super depressing.  Maybe it's because today is the 28th -- my first 28th without Phuc in more than five and a half years.  But in any case, I'm sitting on my bedroom floor, feeling defeated.  I miss Phuc.  I miss him like hell.

It's hard, y'know?  We made a lot of memories together.  More than five years of memories.  I spent a quarter of my entire life with him.  It's really hard to shop now.  I went to the store the other day, and I wanted this iced tea drink, but I couldn't get it because I thought of him.  I wanted the honey berry bread but that's the kind of bread that Phuc likes.  All of the wide breads made me think of him actually, because he only likes wide bread.  I wonder if Phuc goes through the same thing, where he sees something and it makes him think of me.  Then he can't buy it anymore because he knows that if he buys it, he'll think of me every time he sees it in his pantry.  Or if he thinks of me whenever he sees the shitload of food that I literally left in his pantry that I still need to retrieve.  It's hard shit to deal with.  I never knew what break-ups involve, but apparently it involves seeing him just everywhere.  I see him when I look at the moles on my face ("the slope of your face is 3!"), I see him when I walk through the stationary section of the store ("your letters are the best part of my day"), I see him whenever I see soft and chewy cookies ("oh..my..GOD THESE ARE THE BEST!!").  I see him when I spot a bunny ("i took pictures of bunnies at work to show you!"), I see him whenever my hair is frizzy ("afro!!") and I see him whenever I lie on my pillow at night, closing my eyes and remembering how it felt to lie next to him.

It's the 28th, and I just really miss him.  I'm always checking my phone to see if I missed a call from him.  But he never calls.  I'm always waiting for the day that my phone vibrates, and it's finally him.  But it never is.  I always just wonder, when will Phuc ever talk to me again?  But I hate it, because I know it'll be so awkward, when I have so many things to tell him.  I just want to talk to him like all those days that I'd come home from class and tell him about how my day went, and we'd call each other "honey bunny" and "bunny boo," but I know I can't anymore because we're not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.  And I hate it and it makes me cry so much knowing that we'll never call each other by those cute stupid immature sincere nicknames again.  I used to be his special bunny.  And I'm not anymore.  And that tears me apart.  I wonder if he's thinking of me today too, on what used to be our 28th.

I just really miss Phuc right now.

I'm writing this after my recent revelation that I just missed the bus to campus.  Talk about epic fail.

Well, same old, same old.  I woke up today missing Phuc and wondering how he's doing, and wondering if or when he'll ever contact me or talk to me again.  But I have a big day of research ahead of me, and I'm really crossing my fingers that my first day of research goes well.

Today is going to be my first day without the cohorts of my fellowship, which I'm a little sad about.  They're just a really nice group of people.  Except I kind of Michael Scott'd that group, where I thought we were all going to be the best of buddies forever and ever, LOL.  And there's this guy just referring to me as his co-worker! I'm just waiting for the day until he drops the word "friend!" D: Sucker! Well underneath it all, I'm sure they all secretly think I'm awesome.  OR SO I LIKE TO THINK >.<

After Phuc broke up with me, I spent a lot of time wondering, "What do I do with all this time?" It was sincerely hard for me to think back to a life before Phuc. For nearly two weeks, all I could do was keep busy by never coming home, just staying out with my co-workers or with the Christians until the late hours of the night, because I had no idea what I would do when I get home.  I knew that if I came home, I would have nothing to do except be alone with my thoughts and I knew that all I would do is daydream of Phuc with heartbreak and longing.

Well, so I finally remembered what it was I used to do with all my time alone at home when I was single.

VIDEO GAMES@@@@

I was too tired to go out this weekend after a really busy Friday, so I just spent the greater part of the last two days BEASTING at Dynasty Warriors 4. Oldie but goodie!  All the memory card saves got wiped out so I'm starting fresh, which is fine by me.  XD  I just got Sun Shang Xiang's weapon up to level 9, ahh I need to get more pro at this game again so I can win her level 10 weapon!!!  im'ma use that sol chakram on phuc for dumping me!!!  D:<  and i just took out freakin 3k people by my dainty little self, can you SAY badass????  But I ALSO went to the gym and went grocery shopping with my housemates, so I wasn't just being a total slob all weekend, I swear!!!  And all of the sudden "what do i do with all this time" is no longer an issue, LOLOLOL. 

OK I better go before I miss the next bus to campus too! This post kind of really really sucked so I'll come back after work and expand on it more.

-+-

Update at 10:22 PM PST.

So this little "-+-" thing I do is the really cheap thing I use to cheat my way into posting more than once in one day.  Gooooooooooooo technicalities!!!!!!!!!!

But anyway, my day ended up being pretty big!  It was kind of hilarious though, because I came into the lab at 10 a.m. and NO ONE WAS EXPECTING ME. OTL.  "Did you know we had an undergrad starting today?" "Nope." LUCKILY, people got their shit together and hustled me a good five hours of work.  It was very small stuff on the first day, including: I made the most exciting photocopies ever.  But I was as observant as a boss and tried to sponge in everything.  So I was pretty enthusiastic and it made my first day of noobie chores pretty fun.  Prepped a bunch of cell culture media, checked out some adipose cells, made a bunch of buffers, washed the shit out of some graduated cylinders, pipetted the face off some antibodies, aspirated the hell out of some cultures, labeled the ass off of centrifuge tubes, and ate my sandwich.  Used ethanol everywhere with zero regard for the rest of the world.  Like a total boss.  It was considered "chores" but there was a shit ton of stuff that I've never seen or heard of in any of the teaching labs so I was pretty stoked.  like wtf is an op-9? wtf is facs clean? wtf is a running buffer? WHAT DOES THAT TRYPSIN DO? TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS ALPHA-MEM! SO THIS IS WHAT AN AUTOCLAVE LOOKS LIKE. SO THAT'S HOW YOU LABEL THAT SOMETHING IS STERILE. SO THIS WHERE YOU STORE THE FLASKS AND BEAKERS.  MOST... INTERESTING O___________O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TEACH ME MOAR

Mr. Lab Supervisor was intimidating and very welcoming at the same time.  Like he had a lot of apathy and enthusiasm at the same time.  Like... approachable yet made me fearful.  LOL.  @_@  I make it sound complex because it was!  Like he kept saying, "You'll get it, rookie," in a very "LOL OH U, WUTTA NOOB" way, while he kept winking in a nice "but you're doin' okay, kid" kind of way.  It was very weird and mixed but I walked away from the lab very warm and enthusiastic, like I've got that cool sports coach that's a total hardass but he really cares about his team kind of thing.  But I was like "wtf what is your personality, bro."

Ms. Grad Student was suuuuper nice and let me shadow her all day and so mostly I did chores for her.  @_@.  FABIO Y U GONE FOR A MONTH!!  But at the end of the day I still felt like I learned a lot, so MISSION COMPLETE~

After research, I finally checked out that coffee shop that I've wanted to go to since last year, and it was sooooo.. bitchin'.  Like, "why haven't I gone here sooner, what have i been doing with my life" kind of good.  I asked the guy, "I'm a first-timer here, so just make me something that'll really just make me want to come back," and the bro delivered.  Mango strawberry monsoon smoothie at The Coffee Block downtown? GET IT, THEN GET OUT OF HERE, BECAUSE IT WAS AWESOME.  Maybe it's because I haven't had any smoothies since who-knows-when besides my school smoothies, but it was so awesome.  So plans for next week include: getting that smoothie in my belly again.  Good shit!  SOMEONE, COME WITH ME ON MY NEXT SMOOTHIE RUN ^______________^

Right after my smoothie run, my friend invited me to hang out at her church with the seductive strategy of "free dinner," so I ran for it and had a huge taco salad and a huge bowl of ice cream!  Then I consequently had to go to their worship thang.  I have a very loose faith; it's complicated, but the gist is that I believe that a creator caused the big bang and that JC was a pretty hip brotha from a virgin motha, but otherwise I consider church to be an hour-long singalong.  And I do love my singalongs.  Sang the hell out of all those worship songs.  But I do have amazing respect for all those wholesome Christian morals which I always try to pursue, and while I felt a little awkward during prayer, I will admit that I cried a little today at worship.  I kind of zoned out during the prayer parts, but the moral of the worship was this: your life can only experience a real, earnest transformation after you let go of all the bad stuff.  And I looked back at my life, and thought of all the things that I want to let go of.  I thought of all the things I wish I let go of earlier.  I thought about how much I want to let go of that weak, fragile person that I used to be.  Hard shit, but I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere.

Anyhoo, my moods have been varying a little since yesterday's "I can rule the world" post, but overall still good.  Sometimes I can think of Phuc very nonchalantly, sometimes I can go quite a while without thinking of Phuc, and other times when I think of him I feel my heart sink to my stomach.  Hm.  To make things even nerdier, I feel like I've overcome my activation energy but my reaction still needs to go to completion, and for that to happen, I need to continue applying heat and constant stirring.  So umm...uhh............I've overcome the hardest part, but I need to keep working at it.  LOL.  GOOOOOOOOOO CHEMISTRY

AND UH THE SQUARE ROOT OF 9 IS 3 D:

My war cry during a game that required basic addition: "BUT YOU ONLY USE CALCULATORS IN HIGHER MATH CLASSES"

WHATEVS, STILL A BOSS.

lol that was the most scatterbrained rant ever

Today, I woke up feeling very complicated.

Usually, I spend a majority of the day looking forward to being able to spill my thoughts and feelings into this Xanga because I just have so much FEELINGS getting pent up in my brain and I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get them out.  But for the last few days, I've just felt fine.  Like I don't really have much to talk about.

Well, on Friday, I went to a staff BBQ, and learned that my boss has a simply amazing home.  I pretty much want his life now.  Gorgeous bathroom, gorgeous living room, gorgeous kitchen, gorgeous backyard.  He and his wife just have a jaw-dropping home, to the point that many of the partygoers were literally just taking pictures of the various parts of his house that were impressive.  There was a lot of "There is only 150 in the entire world of this poster" and a lot of "He was one of the original animators for ____ and he drew this just for my wife and me." I didn't know that a toaster could be so gorgeous and now I NEED random statues and sculptures in my house.  I found a goal in life and it is to acquire my boss's amazing house and amazing life.  @_@ good god

After the BBQ, I was supposed to be dropped off at home, but I yelled out, "I don't wanna go home!" like a child, and so my friend brought me back to his place and told me that entertaining me is like taking care of a little child.  He gave me cocoa puffs and played board games with me, and he took a nap while I watched Man vs. Wild.  He introduced me to his friends as, "You should know that she laughs at every.. single.. thing."  We watched another show that was full of really bad puns and it just SLAYED me.  Then he kept telling me that one interrupting cow joke again and I just could not stop laughing so he kept ripping on me.  IT'S A FUNNY JOKE OK ( I told him afterwards that I had a lot of fun, and he said, "Girl, you need to get out more."  >___>.  But now I feel like we've hung out together enough that I should get him a birthday present for his birthday soon!  @__@  but i know nothing about him yet, i've only known him two weeks!!!! wuddoido

But for the last few days, I feel like my depression has subsided.  It's so so weird because it happened very suddenly, but it's really just been total night and day.  I hope I'm not being too optimistic, but I'm pretty damn optimistic right now.  It's a mixture of things, including the support of some really great people, a bitchin' phone call, and completing my depression self-help book.  But I just know that today, I feel like a normal person for the first time in a really long time, and it's kind of fantastic.  I don't feel like I'm teetering on a wire or stepping on eggshells like all the previous times I got out of my depression.  I feel... normal.  It's a complicated story, but I'm currently hopeful.  After my depression just fluttered away, I tried re-adding Phuc as a friend on Facebook (maybe in stupidity), but whatever, he hasn't accepted it and I'm just kind of, "okay then kid, i guess whenever you're ready lol" about it.  And today, for the first time, when I thought of Phuc, I just kind of.. felt bad for him.  It's been almost three weeks since he broke up with me, and today I just felt bad for the guy because he's just really missing out by not being with me.  He has been missing out on all my growth and improvement in the last month.  As far as he knows, I'm the same weak girl that he broke up with, and I feel really sorry for him that he isn't seeing who I am right now.  If I've already made so much improvement in less than a month, who knows what I can do in the future?  And he's the one choosing to not be a part of that.  "I just need to be alone right now."  Tsk, poor kid.

Because today, I woke up feeling kind of.. amazing.  Although it set in after the usual, "OMG SNOOZE MORE, I STILL SLEEPY."  But I don't remember the last time this has ever happened to me, ever ever ever.  But Phuc hasn't contacted me at all since I left Sacramento, and today I just feel bad for him because no matter what's going on through his head, whether he misses me or he's over me, he's just totally missing out on a really cool, suave, fantastic girl.  I don't mean to sound arrogant, but it kind of blows my mind because I've spent the last few years with just really awful, unshakably low self-esteem, literally just waiting for Phuc to leave me for another girl because I was just a horrible girlfriend and a terrible person.  But my god, now I feel like everyday that passes and Phuc doesn't call me, he is missing out, because I am just kind of amazing.  It's the first time in years that I just don't feel... delicate.  I feel like I can take a punch to my metaphorical nads and bounce back, no problem.  I read something totally heartbreaking on Phuc's page again, and I felt like.. normal sad. Lol! It's hard to explain, but even though I cried really big, I was relieved that I felt like a normal sad girl versus a super depressed girl in my reaction.  

If Phuc doesn't come back, then I just know that he's going to regret all the years ahead of him where he never gave me a second chance.  He's going to see all my growth and strength from the backseat, and I know he's going to regret it.  He'll get with some inferior floozy that just isn't as amazing and cool as me, some ho that just can't love him the way I love him, some chick that can't make him laugh the way I can, some hobo that can't make him feel the way I made him feel, and he'll always regret and wonder what he missed by not giving me a second chance.  And you know what?  That's his loss.  I miss him so much, but if he doesn't come back, that's more his loss than mine.  Because he's missing out on a really fantastic girl.

Guh, maybe I sound full of myself or maybe I'm getting ahead of myself but I'm just so excited that I feel like a normal person, I can't get over it! Ahhh I hope it lasts a decent amount of time at least, because I know I'm gonna go emo missing Phuc again pretty soon loooooooool. >_<

But I'm feeling pretty darn cool right now.

I'm cool like the Fonz.

EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Edit: LOL I read over this post again and I was just like, "oh dear god i'm gonna get so many haters T_T" and then I was like "omfg i'm hyping myself up too much i'm not actually all that" and there was a lot of "._. oh dear god i hope i'm not encouraging phuc to date because while i talk big now, that's actually very very saddening and makes me want to cry" and i actually miss phuc more than i make it sound and then i read about sad things for other people and i was like, "omg i'm talking about such petty things there are so many bigger things happening in the world" but ummmmmmmmmmmmm I'M AWESOME ANYWAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH T.T

>__________________________________>

i'm so fly.

DADADADUM

FUH FOUR DAYS BEFORE THE 28TH NOW, IMMA CRY SO BAD NEXT TUESDAY YOU GUYS

Some really good, promising stuff is goin' on about my depression but I don't wanna put my bunnies in a basket yet so I'm going to hold up and leave that open-ended for now!

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: Regular everyday blog content.

I know, you're like "WHAT? I DIDN'T SIGN UP TO READ BORING STUFF ABOUT YOUR NORMAL LIFE CHRISTA, I WANNA SEE MORE GUTS AND GORE, RAGE" WELL SUCK IT UP BROMIGO COS IT'S HAPPENING

Well, I'm starting research this Monday!  Weeeee!  I am super excited and nervous all at the same time.  I've been doing just orientation for the past two weeks and I'm finally starting research on Monday.  I met with my post-doc mentor today before he leaves for vacation in Spain for a month, and he assigned me some literature homework and he told me the rundown and it sounded like more than I can chew!  I might have to develop experiment protocols and create protein markers on my own accord while he is on vacation, both of which I'm pretty wtf about how to approach.  But he believes in me and he said he is going to be very supportive of me~  I learned that everyone in my group is required to present our research at a national conference at some point in the year, and I'll be required to submit a manuscript of my research for publication at the end of the year, so I have been pretty, "dude this internship is crazy" all day.  But my lab has been soooo sweet and they're giving me such a big head! They've actually been jumping through hoops to get me in their lab, rather than the other way around!  I found out that they've been really working hard to get the lab ready for meeee.  >.< I think they have super high expectations for me because instead of assigning me to a grad student like most of the other undergrads, they assigned me to a post-doc and the head lab supervisor to be my personal mentooorsssss.  And I am just like OMG I MUST DO WELL IN THIS LAB OMGOMGOMGOMG

My internship has also been giving me a big head because the group just goes craaazy whenever I give a presentation! ;o;! Today we were having a discussion on how our presentation projects went, and one girl said, "Okay this isn't a question but I need to say that CHRISTA, YOU ARE SO GOOD!" And then I blushed big!! >.< And when we were exchanging presentation advice, the professor said, "Have a big smile, like Christa!" then I smiled and then the whole table giggled!  And then on the insides I was all n_______n!  I've been needing more self-esteem and this has been helping lol! >.< I so shypie about it thoughhh!

I also took my first nap in almost two weeks today, and it felt pretty damn cool.  But I realized I've been forgetting to take my medicine so I was really nauseous today at work! bad stuff waa!! So I didn't go to the gym even though I wanted tooo~

anndddd... OH

My school got a free advanced screening for the last Harry Potter movie!  My housemate and I are really excited about it~!  We're going to try to have the entire house go see the movie together, and my +1 might be my buddy from yesterday if things go right!  And I hope they go right because I really want friends LOL! orz!!!  I was supposed to go with Phuc to see it, but it's nice that now the movie won't just have purely sad connotations now that I have a good group of friends to go with instead~ n_n

also i want ice ceeeem

EXTREMELY NONPRODUCTIVE POST, HOY

Contrary to the post title, something I realized recently is that I may have been getting worse recently.  I've been losing some of my momentum and it was showing in my moods and thoughts.  It was harder to keep myself distracted or optimistic.

And I realized that I couldn't maintain my life without someone at the home base: Merced.  I went two years without ever telling anyone else at Merced about my business, with the exception of my therapist.  I feel myself losing wind and motivation.  I just feel so tired so often now.  But the past two years, I've never met someone that I could really confide in.  I've met some amazing friends that were great to hang out with, but no one that I could really just talk to.  And for the last... two or three days now, my only friend that I've really talked to is my Xanga.  

So I was at the library with one of my new friends today, and felt invested: "This is a really cool kid to hang out with, I hope we stay friends in the future."  And when he asked me about why my boyfriend broke up with me, I suddenly felt all of the loneliness and the lack of motivation and the tiredness, but I thought of how much I sincerely want and need my life to improve, and so instead of the canned, "Oh, he just said that something's missing in our relationship now," I took a deep breath, mustered courage, and pretty much told him my entire life story.  You know shit is intense when I'm telling him things that I haven't even told my Xanga.  He would give me the saddest eyes and he would need to take breaks to absorb the things I said.  I'm sure it was like, "good god i just met this girl and she's telling me all this stuff wtf," but I have finally done what I have never done before -- confide in a friend at college.  Then I told him, "I swear to god I need more friends so you better keep in touch with me," and he reacted like I wasn't a total weirdo, so I'm feeling good.  I even told him that if I was still dating Phuc, I would go home and call Phuc and say, "OMG Phuc I finally made a friend!"  I kept raving about how nice he is and how I was so grateful to meet a friend I could confide in, and so I hope he doesn't think I'm a psycho nut.  And he told me that he wanted to invite me to his friends to help me in my conquest to widen my social circle.  I told him, "Whenever I go home, I'm just a mess because I just can't stop thinking about how much I miss Phuc.  I'm really collected around people, but I'm just such a heartbroken girl when I'm by myself," and he said, "Then let's not go home."  So we just stayed there at the library and talked for four hours.  And I was thankful.  He took me grocery shopping, then told me to call him if I ever needed him, and he told me to stay safe, and I was thankful.  I really really really really really really really hope we keep in touch.  i rly need a friend T__T

But an essential moment of the day is that he told me that his girlfriend also has depression.  And for a moment, I told him about myself, and I could see him just... remembering.  He told me about his experiences with having a girlfriend with depression, and he was facing so many of the same challenges, difficulties, and frustrations that Phuc tried to endure with me.  I thought I was looking into the past, and it was like I was looking at my relationship through Phuc's eyes.  He told me about how hard it got, and he told me about how sometimes he just wanted to break.  And it really sounded like Phuc was just really tired of me.  He was really patient with me and tried hard for me, but he just got so tired of dealing with me.  In hindsight, there are so many things I would've done differently, so many things I did that I regret, now that I know what I am actually capable of.  I had so much strength that I was completely oblivious to this entire time.  I thought I couldn't do it because I wasn't strong enough, that there was nothing to do about my depression, I need to just ignore it as much as possible and pretend that I don't have it and that it doesn't exist.  Otherwise I am too weak to do anything.  But Christa, if you just tried harder, worked more, and really applied yourself, you would've known just how strong you actually are.  You would've seen what you could do for yourself and for your relationship.  But it's too late now.  It's too late now.

I still can't get it through my thick skull.

"I'm really naive to be hopeful, aren't I?"
"...It's okay.  But it's normal.  But maybe we're all wrong.  Give it time."

Everyone keeps telling me to give it time.  :(  but dude i wanna get better rite now bromigo

But I definitely think I made some headway today. TL;DR "OMG Phuc I finally made a friend!" ))))

I really wish this would happen faster.  

Trying to get over Phuc hasn't gotten easier yet at all.  Sometimes it gets better and sometimes it gets worse, and right now I am feeling very "worse" about it.  I wonder if he will ever talk to me again.  If anyone has wondered, I don't know if Phuc reads anything I write.  I disabled my footprints so that I'm not so self-conscious when I write here, so the only people that I know that read this now are those that explicitly tell me in some way.  Some days I wonder if he'll ever come back, but today, I'm wondering if he'll ever even talk to me again.  We're just strangers to each other now.  Except at least one of us really misses the other, and is really heartbroken whenever she thinks about how much she misses him.

By the advice of Chau, I watched that Wong Fu video, Strangers Again.  Were Phuc and I living out two completely separate relationships, where I was comfortable and he was just tolerating me?  But he fooled me pretty well.  Because I never knew, I just thought we were fine.  In hindsight, I guess I'm just a dumbass. I was blind to the things that Phuc saw that were wrong with us.  But I was happy with him... I really miss him.  Has he completely gotten rid of me?  I don't know, but I wonder.  I wonder if he ever thinks of me still, or if he's just completely rid of me.  I wonder if he's really happier without me.

I will admit that it will damage me if he's happier without me, because I was insecure about that for most of the past two years: that I'm not good enough for him.  I guess... I really wasn't good enough for him.  And while it's something I wish I had, I do have really low self-esteem.  So it is damaging to think that he is happier without me, because I was worried about just that: he's happier without me because I'm not good enough for him.  I guess he confirmed it by breaking up with me...  Just another thing about myself that I need to work on, getting my self-esteem up.  Gwah gwah gwah.  Read all those articles about how lack of confidence is a huge turn-off, too, sheesh.  Gwah gwah gwah.

I'm growing everyday, even though my heart refuses to heal.  My co-workers yell at me whenever I talk badly about myself.  I found a friend that also likes Fringe, House, and Bones.  I was told today that I dress nicely.  Small things like that help motivate me to keep going.

I'm really really dreading a week from today.  It will be my first 28th without Phuc.  My first 28th without Phuc in five years and seven months.

Short post, nothing special.  Kind of wordy, but I'm lazy right now. Just felt like I needed to let people know that while I'm still really sad and heartbroken, I'm safe.

I'm so goddamn frustrated.

Today, I just sat on my floor and just completely broke down.

I don't know if anyone is realizing this, but my life has almost literally started over again.  It's not just losing Phuc.  It's practically as close to possible as killing me and reviving me with a completely new life, except it comes with a starter kit of loneliness, heartbreak, and depression.  It feels like I need to rebuild my entire life.  Well done, world.

Nearly EVERYTHING is different. Nearly all of the friends I have ever made at UC Merced in the last two years are transferring this year. I've honestly lost basically all of them with the only exception of my housemates. When I said that it was like I was having my first day of school all over again, I meant it. I probably might as well have moved to a new city, that's how few friends I still had at UC Merced after everyone transferred out or graduated.

Then my boyfriend of almost six years broke up with me in the most abrupt way possible. Then I found myself in the emergency room for the first time in my life, and almost the only time in my life. Then it's my first time ever moving off-campus: brand new house, brand new room, brand new housemates. Then I started my very first job. And all of this happened in a span of less than five days. I mean, what the fuck.

So the friends in Merced I have now are far and few between. Most of the friends I have at UC Merced now are those that I have made in the past week. And I'm going to be realistic. I'm not going to become best friends with all of them. We're not all going to live our lives out together as best buddies forever. While I may try to maintain the friendships I have made in the past week, I might not even see some of them around campus ever again. So far I have made a wealth of acquaintances, but still not that many friends -- that takes time and even more work.  So as if I wasn't already feeling completely abandoned, I found out today that yet another of my best friends at UC Merced is transferring out, in less than a week. It really affected me, I was heartbroken that even more of my friends are still leaving, considering how few friends I have already.  It's like the numbers are dwindling by the second. I was so.. I was looking forward to hanging out with her this year, too. ...She made me feel really welcome and hopeful when I hung out with her at the beginning of summer. And now she's leaving too.

Then I lost my iPod today. As if things don't suck already, I lost my iPod. My iPod with the cute Keroppi decal and everything. It wouldn't have been that big a deal, say, a month ago, but I can't believe on top of everything else, I lost my iPod. Then my partner for a project at work made me wait two hours for her then she didn't even apologize so I just wanted to sock her in the uterus and punch her in the eye.  It's like I just can't catch a break.  All I can say is good grief.

So today I just sat on my floor and cried from all of the stress that apparently comes with rebuilding your entire life from the ground up. Who would've guessed? It's like I've been cruelly shoved off a cliff in every single way and the only way I'll survive is by climbing back up by fighting tooth and nail. And I never even got a chance to prepare. I never saw any of this coming as recently as two weeks ago.

Christa-of-two-weeks-ago, did you know that very very soon, you would practically start your entire life over in the span of five days? I mean, seriously, what the fuck. Hardly two weeks ago, my main priority was rewatching episodes of American Dad. Now I am almost literally starting my entire life over. My boyfriend is gone and now he texts me like I'm a cockroach. All my old friends are gone. My iPod is gone. New house, new job, new pet. I have to rebuild my entire life now, and I didn't even get to see it coming. I was blindfolded and pushed off a cliff and now I am struggling just to survive. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a bad dream and I need to wake up. 

And it is stressful.  It is stressful and it is tiring and it is hard as hell.  Sometimes I really feel like I'm going to pull through, and sometimes I'm just so stressed out and so frustrated and so distraught by the fact that suddenly my entire life has crumbled down before me in less than a week and now I have to exert everything in my fiber to rebuild my life.  It takes so much effort.  Honestly, it is so hard.  I feel like I say that all the time now, but that's what it is.  It's hard.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning, just so tired of all this work, but I need to push myself if I want to rebuild my life.  I wish I could handle just one thing at once, but no.  No, I need to handle getting dumped by my boyfriend of nearly six years, I need to re-make all my friends because practically all my friends left, I need to conquer my depression, I need to handle worrying whether or not I can afford next month's rent, I need to adapt to my first job and a completely new living experience, and I need to handle the physical aftermath of the emergency room, all at the same time.  All with no pity, all of these hardships just mercilessly piling onto me and weighing me down all at the same time.  And sometimes, like today, it just feels like much too much to do all at once.  And now apparently I need to handle losing my iPod, too.  What a bitch. 

But according to Honest Christa, I'm strong so that means I gotta handle my business.  If it takes fighting tooth and nail for me to stay afloat, then I'm going to fight tooth and nail.  But seriously.  Fuck this shit.

I thought I lost myself last night.

I still don't know what to do. I feel a little helpless sometimes. It's probably apparent that last night I felt more like really really helpless. "It's okay to be sad." I feel like that's so true, that's so accurate, but I'd just rather not be sad. I'm torn on this. But today was really nice.  I was so tired, but then my sister and Patrick came by to hang out with me and cheer me up and talk to me.  And it helped motivate me to keep going, because she told me that the lifestyle changes that I'm doing now to conquer my depression is awesome and healthy for me.

I read my Xanga posts several times through the day after I post them, and reading over my post from yesterday made me cry a LOT. I felt numb throughout parts of the morning and afternoon, and I was sincerely worried that I was going to relapse again.  But then something really cool happened. There's actually one thing about yesterday's that really stood out to me, besides all the sad stuff. The words: "I'm so strong during the day..."

I wrote almost the entirety of that post in absolute tears, just crying and yelling out the words as I was writing them down. It was this extremely vulnerable moment of honesty that I poured out into written word. And in a moment of honesty, I said that I was strong. I actually said those words: I'm strong. And knowing the state I was in last night, I knew that I actually meant it.

I actually don't rememeber the last time I said that. I don't remember the last time I even thought that. I knew I had strength deep within me, but I never felt that I was able to access it. I thought it was a world away from me. "I'm strong."

I guess it's true. You never realize just how strong you are until you need to be.

Something refreshing for me that helps motivate me to keep going is the way that I completely feel like I am handling two separate hurdles: overcoming the heartbreak of Phuc leaving me, and finally overcoming my depression. It's a little complex how I know, but I can really just feel it. I reach for completely different thoughts when I manage the two, although there are places where the two areas overlap. For example, I'm learning a lot about what parts of my depression I need to tackle by remembering my recent time with Phuc. But otherwise, they feel like two separate obstacles that I need to face.

Whenever I remember that, I remember that I'm not doing this for Phuc. I'm sure people have been wondering that, but I can really say that I'm not. And there's really something great about that. It's refreshing, because I know that I mean it.  I mean, I miss him, and I want him back, and if in the future, once I nurture and maintain the changes in my life, he could appreciate and feel for me again, then that would be great.  But for some reason I have been considering my break-up and my depression two completely separate things. He kept yelling at me after he broke up with me that I kept doing things for him. So I am ecstatic to realize that I can very earnestly say that I am not doing this for Phuc. I am getting better for me.  There's something amazing about that.

There's something amazing about knowing that I can say the words "I'm strong" and know that I actually mean it.

-+-

I went jogging today for the first time in years. I always used the bike or walked the treadmill or used the bike when I used the gym at school, but today I jogged for the first time in years. And I realized that jogging was a good analogy for my situation with my depression. It was difficult, because I hadn't done it in so long. I didn't want to, but once I started, I just wanted to keep going as much as I could. The entire time, I was afraid of falling or getting kidnapped, I was afraid of failure. By the end, my legs were sore and my side hurt, but I felt good. And I knew that if I kept it up, then I would finally feel better about my self-image and get more confidence.  So I know that even though its super tiring, my lifestyle changes are worth it.  I just need to keep making moves and I just need to keep working at it.

I hope that made sense. I'm a little lazy 'cos I'm sleepy.

SO SLEEP HAPPENS NOW

I woke up tired today.

I woke up just tired of all my efforts to make friends and get out of my comfort zone.  This week has been draining. I'm not used to being outgoing. I'm not used to this. "What if I don't maintain these friends that I have made and end up alone again? Then what was the point?" I woke up thinking how hard it is to just sustain myself. It's so hard.

I woke up just so painfully tired of it all. Then, finally, I forced myself up out of bed, looked in the mirror and told me that I'm amazing (in the form of: "You're Lady Gaga, bitch!!! RAH!!!") and read my letter to myself that I wrote two days ago. Then I marched outside, and promptly spent the rest of the day hanging out with my housemates. Like. A. Boss.

Action precedes motivation, not the other way around. Then you can chase that momentum and continue the action.  Need to always keep working on it. 

-+-

I started reading my Xanga archive. And of course, I eventually got to the life of Christa, before depression.

And I found the Xanga that Phuc and I made together.

I re-read the entirety of it. It was so weird, seeing Phuc and Christa so happy together, when I already knew what we've become. But there was one post in particular that shook me at my core. And then I had it. I had that cry. I've been crying all week, but I had that cry that made me feel more vulnerable than I have ever been in my entire life.

The entire post, dated February 16th, 2009. A lifetime ago.

Things I Can Only Do With You

1. Be Silly
2. Eat like I really want to eat
3. Fart and burp openly
4. Laugh loud
5. Take a biiiig nap
6. Be a huge spaz
7. BUM
8. Hold your hand and it isn't weird
9. Have a conversation in sign language when I don't know sign language
10. Tell you "I love you" and mean it
11. Feel complete and natural

-Phuc

And after re-posting that entry, I still have it.  Tears just streaming down my cheeks.  My shoulders are shaking.  It's hard to see the computer screen through the tears.  It was so short. It was almost nothing, it was so short. Yet it was everything. It was absolutely everything. It was everything I wanted and everything that I cannot reach anymore. It was everything I lost and it was everything I dreamt of. It was everything that we gave each other. It was everything I miss about him. It was absolutely everything. 

I miss him so much. What am I going to do? Can someone just please tell me what am I going to do? Can someone just tell me already what's going to happen to us? I can't keep doing this, I just can't keep doing this. It just hit me.  I have found the strength to not let this break-up rip me apart by the seams because I have been holding onto the slim hope that maybe someday, when I am finally refined in nurturing and maintaining my personal growth, I'll have the opportunity to share it with him, and.. and maybe he'll love me again.  It is a huge reason why I have been able to pull together so much productivity, health, and change in the face of heartbreak.  In the past week, I have been able to truck over my heartbreak in an impressive stampede of courage and strength.  I did not let my heartbreak get in my way because I felt like it had hope, and therefore I didn't need to let it drag me down or hinder me.  It was not worth entertaining the month-long sad depressed dumped mopey girlfriend phase, and I had the strength to put that time towards change and productivity instead.  I imagined how I'd show him how much I improved my life for myself, and he would be so happy and welcome me back into his life.  And I would be healthy enough to show him all the love and respect that he deserves.  And then maybe he'd love me again. But I'm being naive and stupid, aren't I?  Because he's never coming back, is he? The way he just turned off his phone, the way he was so cold, not a drop of warmth or sympathy or concern or apology in his tone.  It's hard to believe that he would even entertain the mere thought of being with me again.  It's hard to believe that those sweet words came from the same person.  So he's never coming back, is he? I miss him so much. I miss him.  ...he's never coming back, is he?

What am I going to do?

Phuc, you're out there somewhere, and I miss you so much. I miss you so much. I'm so strong during the day, but I can't sleep at night. I just lie on my pillow crying for hours, just wondering about your day, wishing you would say good night to me, wishing that I'd get to talk to you and you would speak to me sweetly like you used to. I miss your smile, I miss how we laughed together, I miss how you would mock my duck face, I miss how you used to make me noodles with a second egg just for me, I miss how you always kissed me on the forehead when you tucked me in, I miss how you made fun of my donut voice, I miss how when you held my hand for the first time you told me that they fit perfectly, I miss hearing you snore hella loudly while I was trying to fall asleep, I miss the way you would fall asleep in the middle of saying a sentence, I miss the way your jacket smelled when you let me wear it in the cold, I miss the way I would wake up in the morning and you would be next to me completely knocked out and we would snooze for hours, I miss seeing the sun hit your face when we lied down in your car because we were so full from dinner, I miss the way you held my waist and made me feel safe, I miss everything about you. I miss the way one eye gets more narrow than the other when you smile, I miss the way your voice got a little high pitched whenever you talked about Yu-Gi-Oh cards. I miss every detail of your eyes even though your eyelashes are longer than mine. I don't know what to do. I close my eyes and I see his smile and I hear his voice. Please, I don't know what do to. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP HURTING. I CAN'T, I can't, I can't live like this anymore. I can't hold onto him if he's never coming back. I want him back so much. I can't take it, I can't take how much this hurts, my heart is breaking, it is just crushing inside me. I miss Phuc so much. I, I don't know what to do. I have so much hope in a relationship that doesn't even exist anymore. I can't have so much hope if there is none. Phuc is never coming back, is he? I miss him. I miss him so much. Please can someone please just tell me that he's never coming back please just tell me now because every waking second of every single day I just miss him so much and dream of him taking me back. I miss Phuc so much.

But he's never coming back, is he? I don't what to do. I don't want to accept it. No, I don't want to say it. I don't want to believe that he's never coming back. I don't wanna believe that he's never coming back, I can't do this, I can't handle this, I can't handle this, it hurts so much, I miss him so much. It hurts so much. I would do anything for just one more kiss with him, for him to hold me by my waist like he used to, for him to tell me that he loves me and he is willing to let me try again. But he's never coming back, is he? HE'S NEVER COMING BACK, IS HE? NO, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT HE'S NEVER COMING BACK. I CAN'T DO IT. I can't do it. I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it. I can't do it. Please don't make me do it. Please don't make me let him go, I can't do it, please don't tell me that I have to let him go because I can't do it.  Please, not yet, please don't make me do it. I can't do it. I love him so much. I love him so much. I don't want to let him go. I don't want to admit that it's really over, I don't want to admit that he's never coming back so please don't make me do it. I can't do it. I can't do this, what am I going to do? I miss him so much. I don't want to say that he's really gone. I don't want to say it. Please don't make me do it, please don't make me do it. I don't want to. I miss him. I miss him, I love him. Please, I don't want to. It hurts too much, it hurts. I love him, please, I love him so much.

I have to stop writing.  I need a break from this.  It's too much.