If I'm butter,
then he's a hot knife.

- Fiona Apple, Hot Knife

-+-

"Flu shot!"  

It's a full-fledged battle cry, as he vigorously pokes me in my left deltoid.

I helplessly yelp in pain, "ahhhhhh you asssssssss"

-+-

I look on as he drives down the long country road for our regular carpool home from campus.  Our elbows are barely touching on the central armrest.  He's playing the new album by The xx, and I make a mental note, 'I love this song!'

When we make the turn into my neighborhood, I remember that I have good news, and I gleefully clasp my fingers together, eager to share.

"I'm all done with counseling!"

He turns his head towards me in acknowledgement, "Yeah, aren't you doing pretty well?"  I nod cheerfully.

I had been regularly seeing a counselor on campus, mostly to invest in the prevention of any more panic attacks.  The semester had a terrifying start, and I'd be damned if I didn't do all I could to prevent another frightening surge of anxiety from ever happening again.

He has a follow-up question, "So how exactly do you know that you're 'done'?"

I elaborate, "So my counselor gave me a bunch of coping therapies, and then she stopped and realized, 'But.. actually, you already did all of that,' and then decided that my next appointment's only going to be follow-up.  Man, can you imagine?  Last time I went to counseling was for my depression, wayyy back when, and I was a lost cause.  Now I'm going in for follow-up."

"Well, that's back then.  You're a different Christa now."

"...Thanks, man.  Hell yeah."

He nods, "Good."

"Ja dude," I agree, "hella good."

Imagine the fourth movement of Beethoven's 9th Symphony; imagine the gentle rise of the orchestra, until choirs of angels begin to sing in harmonious jubilee:

"More joyful sounds!  Joy!  Joy!"

-+-

“I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.” 

- Mother Teresa

-+-

A single teardrop rolled down her cheek.

It was the stuff of movies.  It was the ambient lighting of the room, the sun struggling to peek in through the window blinds.  I glimpsed at the shadows of leaves shaking in the wind, and it was as if they were dancing.  From my eyes, it was all just amazingly cinematic.  It was a vividly written novel -- the kind that keeps me turning the page. 

"I want you to trust yourself..." 

Then, it felt like time was passing rapidly, even though it must have only been a fraction of a second.  Life felt hushed, like it was waiting for something.  Something big.  Like it was standing on its tippy-toes in eager anticipation for the novel's denouement.

"...because I trust you."

With that, although the room itself remained dim, the world seemed a little more vivid.  The sun was somehow both brighter and a little less harsh on the eyes.

I rolled out into the town, more alive and more lucid.

I don't know much, but as always, when the skies feel like they are at their brightest, and the weight on my shoulders feels at its lightest, one reigning thought rang proudly in my mind:

"omfg I feel so good about myself, I feel like I can do anything, hell yeah, all y'all can suck my d--"

Then -- thank god -- I cleaned up my act a little bit by reeling it back a few notches, and bringing myself back down to earth,

and then I just remember how thankful I am to be alive.

From there, the rest always follows.  The good graces of life and love.

optimism, rejuvenation… l'etoile

Never thought I'd live to see the day
when everybody's words got in the way.

- Neon Trees, Everybody Talks

-+-

"Christa, you're very complicated. You're physically complicated, mentally complicated, and socially complicated."
-- "Ah!  Those are the components of the biopsychosocial model!  I am so ready for this Psych midterm."
"See?  Complicated."

-+-

I laid my belongings out on the table, carefully and meticulously.

It was uncharacteristic of me.  I am accustomed to the great art of "Throw my stuff everywhere without a single damn for the world."

But I had decided that morning that today ought to be different.  Today should have the lingering taste of change and growth scattered everywhere, like glossy pebbles on a weathered beach.  Even if that little change and that little growth is to culminate in the simple form of not throwing my napkins all across the table.

It was a short-lived affair, and since then, I'm admittedly back to the good graces of "Where the hell did I put my keys?" but nonetheless, it was a great prologue to where I am now.

I am lounging in my desk chair, with my feet stretched out on my study area, but most importantly --

I am chill as hell.

I have The xx playing on my iTunes, and I have powerpoints upon powerpoints open to study for another midterm coming up tomorrow.

I had actually been extremely concerned with my academics since the semester started.  Since my amazing summer came to a close, I found it impossible to concentrate on my studies.  Instead, everyday was just a blur of labwork and attending class, but nothing more than that.  I spent weeks behind on my readings and on my material, all because I suddenly lost the capacity to maintain enough focus to study.

Ironically enough, it was the stress implosion that fixed me.  The moment stress overtook me in a game-changing bout of organ mishaps, I was able to maintain focus on studying again.

Essentially, the reason is this: "I was worried about focusing when my body was on the verge of collapsing into itself?  Srsly?  I have way bigger fish to fry than this."

Since then, everything's been heading straight out of the park!

As far as my health goes, things have been going swell!  My doctor actually prescribed relaxation therapy for my stress, so since then I've taken a meditation class, and started meditating a few times a week.  It's actually been wicked effective!

I'm still off spicy foods for another few weeks, but the craziest part is that tomorrow will be Two Weeks Without Coffee.  My god.  I've transitioned into a compromise between my constant sleepiness and my anti-coffee craziness by drinking iced tea, so now I'm Iced Tea Girl rather than Iced Americano Girl at the school café.

Well, the night is getting long and I must study in the morning!

Until next time, then.

toodles!