Since you became a VIPerson,
it's like your problems have all worsened.
- Just Jack, Starz In Their Eyes
-+-
"Christa, this isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong."
-+-
This is so frustrating.
I'm so sad right now. I know things are going to be okay. But the wound is still fresh, and thus, I'm so troubled. I'm so troubled, and the wound is not even my own.
Sometimes, I hate empathy. Right now, I hate empathy. Apparently, empathy is a very "Christa" thing for me to have, and right now, it sucks. I'm just so stressed out and so unsettled.
What I hate the most is that I don't understand why kindness has to have repercussions. I don't understand why love and friendship can have such consequences. I feel like kindness isn't something that should be able to cause so much hurt. Kindness shouldn't have side effects. But it does. It has consequences, and I don't know why.
I just wanted to give all my love away, I just wanted to give away every ounce of hope and friendship that I own. I have so much to give, and I just wanted to give it all away. And yet, it was punctuated with, "I care about you, and I love having you in my life. But I need to make my intentions clear with you -- we're friends. You need to know that. We're only friends."
A heart broke today, and it was because of me. It was necessary, but it was so difficult. It had to happen, and it could've been so much worse, but it was so difficult.
Why does kindness have repercussions? Why is it possible for me to be "kind to a fault"? Kindness has been the most difficult thing that I have ever been challenged to compromise. People need to keep reminding me that I need to hold myself back, that I need to hold back on my kindness. It breaks my heart that I even need to do that. It just breaks my heart so much that kindness has consequences.
Why do I need to hold back on love, when I have so much love to give? Do I really have to just let it sift through my fingertips, and let it go to waste? Why is too much kindness something that I need to "work on"? Why is generosity and compassion something that I need to "work on"?
I feel like I have engaged in The Five Stages of Grief, even though somehow the "grief" at hand is kindness. Kindness shouldn't be a grief, and yet I'm clearly in denial.
Deny it all I want, but I can't change that it was overambitious amounts of kindness that led to the heartbreak that happened today. And I'm no heartbreaker. :/
"Christa, you can't help that you're awesome."
"Christa, you're the sweetest girl I've ever met, and I know that you don't want to hurt anyone. I'm so sorry, honey."
:/