The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
away from all the fears and all the faults
you've left behind.
- Mumford & Sons, The Cave
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"I swear, I'm full of more conversation topics than just compliments all around!"
"Haha, some people would find that to be more than enough. And I thank you."
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Tracing where I was this time last year, December is a powerful month. December wields hope. It wields the first glimmer of inner strength.
But December has always had connotations of love for me. Christmas is my favorite holiday, and it always signals to me that even more love is right around the corner -- the new year arrives a week afterward, and my birthday comes a week after that. So I've always adored Christmas, for as long as I can remember. As a child, I loved the presents under the tree labeled with just an enigmatic "Christa" and nothing else, and having the wishful conviction that Santa came to visit me. It's that same whimsy that I try to hold on to today.
After all, life becomes so immense when you believe in magic. But as an adult, magic comes in many different flavors now. For me, it comes in the form of coincidence, it comes in the form of scientific discovery, and it comes in the form of perfectly compatible friendships – the kinds where you can finish each other’s sentences and your minds fit each other like puzzle pieces. Or when you hold a conversation with someone and the dynamic is just perfect. It leaves such an imprint on you that hours later, or days later, you still look back on that conversation and it just makes you smile. And to think, that you just might wield that kind of sorcery; to think that just the thought of you can make someone smile, that just the thought of you can make a person feel warm and safe. It seems miniscule, but I like to believe that it’s nothing less than enchantment. That’s powerful. That’s magic.
My first dream job was honestly to be a sorceress. I used to watch Sailor Moon and Slayers for days without end, and so I grew up lost in magic and witchcraft. Sometimes I feel like, in a much different way, I want to be a sorceress again. It’s so cheesy, but I want to just have the wizardry to make people feel important. I’m extremely straightforward when it comes to kindness now. But there are some truly admirable wizards on this campus; there are just amazingly impressive sorcerers and sorceresses of endearing personalities, hardworking determination, ceaseless intelligence, and magnetic smiles. They make you feel like you are committing a crime if you don't have them as a part of your life. I still only dream of being that person.
Coming from my background, coming from years and years of feeling alone and unimportant, it is one of my highest priorities to contribute to the lives around me. To my academic community, I want to give it my all to prove my mettle, to prove that I’m important and worthwhile. To my social community, I want to give it all away, I want to give back every ounce of compassion that my friends have given me and then some, to let them know that they’re important and worthwhile.
I’m done being stuck in a pause. I’m done settling for less. I’m done running in place. I want magic.
I want to give it my all again.
Watch out, December. I'll take you on.