And true, it may seem like a stretch,
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away,
when I am missing you to death.

- The Postal Service, Such Great Heights

-+-

At this point, I knew his room like it was my own.  After all, I made those little grooves in his wood floor.  I spent so many mornings waking up to the sun peeking through the shades of his windows.

We were getting ready for dinner.  At one point, I laughed, "You're gonna miss me, huh?"

Suddenly, a glimmer of sadness shone through his smile.  He said, his voice softer than I'm accustomed to, "Don't say that. You're going to make me dread leaving."

[Beat.]

-+-

"You're probably gonna blog about how awesome I am, aren't you?"
-- "......lol prolly"

It's been exactly three weeks since I flew away from Arizona, and I flew away from Jacob.  I don't think I've been very subtle about meaning to write about the two weeks that he was in town.  I've been postponing it, trying to find the right words to say -- but I want to write it all down while the heart is still so fond.

The reality of our distance and our circumstance is that every time he leaves and every time he comes back, I never know who we've become to each other.  Sometimes we would chat over webcam every other day, sometimes we won't text each other for weeks.  Sometimes we would crave each other to the point of madness, and sometimes we would casually keep in touch as we date other people.  We have our lives to live, and time can be both kind and cruel.  In the end, we're an incredible example of playing things by ear.  All I would trust is that we care about each other, and that the rest will just come.  Whether that means we're lovers, we're friends, we're acquaintances -- as long as I know we care about each other, I let the rest just happen.

Eventually, he would tell me he's back in town, and I would agree to see him.  Yet, at this point, I never really know what we are until the moment I lay eyes on him.  I now always go through a potpourri of emotions once I start counting down to his arrival.  Nervousness.  Anticipation.  Anxiety.

While it isn't until our eyes first meet that I see the familiar warmth flicker in his gaze, it's always a few seconds beforehand that my emotions stop churning.  I would walk towards his garage door, and I would hear the distinctive sounds of him shifting into his garage -- those sounds that always make my heart skip a beat.  As the garage door lifts, the moment I look past the rising door and see his shoes is always the moment that does it for me.  I could be a trove of mixed feelings, but without fail, at that very first hint of Jacob, I instantly grow in excitement and fondness -- 'Jacob is really here.  I'm really about to see Jacob again.'  I don't know how much I glow whenever we first see each other, but if it's as much as it feels, then it must be a lot.

However, I would hope my poker face isn't a complete joke.  Like always, I tried to keep my cool when I saw him that Friday.  I learned a long time ago not to throw my eggs in this basket.  I'm always prepared to spend his time in San Diego as his bro, as nothing more than good camaraderie.  I braced myself to care for him, but to also maintain emotional distance.

Then he kissed me.  His demeanor is naturally calm and collected, but god, to see through his gaze and witness his gratefulness to see me...

I should've known better than to think I knew how to tame my fluttering heart.

Oh I, I am not the one who preys...
So why, why am I the one to praise?

- Vienna Teng, In the 99

-+-

"You're my Asian honey!"

-+-

I mean, of course there are plenty of things that happened this summer, each event worth writing about.

I could write about lab, and how it’s both the same and very different from last year. How the people are the same, but the attitudes and the dynamic feels strange and new. Some people are more pessimistic, some are more reserved, and some are more affable than I remember from last year. I could write about my television experience, where I hung out at Morgan Freeman’s house and starred as an extra in an upcoming episode of Through the Wormhole. I could write about my interns, and share my memories about them – my responsibilities as the Senior Intern, my opinions on the Young Old People and their cheese & wine parties, or my absolute love for the guys in Apartment #935. I could even write about up north, with stories of lost affections, richer friendships, and teary visits with family.

But at the end of the day, there’s only one big thing on my mind that truly craves the permanence of writing.

In fact, he’s been the biggest thing on my mind at the end of every day for the last two months.

His name is Jacob.

No frills of pseudomystery, no cryptic references, no silly secret nicknames like “ghost,” or “catfish.” Simply -- his name is Jacob, and he’s the kind of person that deserves more than subtlety and secrecy, more than shyness and restraint.

I’ll warn you properly that these are the words of a girl that’s head over heels, but I’ll shamelessly disgust you all the same.

He has beautiful gray eyes, and he’s overcome my adverse attitudes towards men with facial hair. I love running my fingers through his short, light brown hair – though not nearly as much as I adore the way his eyes wrinkle when he laughs.

Yet, if you told me a few months ago that I would meet someone this summer, I would’ve kicked myself, assuming that I must’ve become that girl with some random summer fling. I would’ve hit myself for letting myself fall into something so shallow and frivolous.

But instead, my life is a Sarah Dessen novel -- somehow, in the concise, transient timeframe of summer, something amazing comes along.  My God, I’m Colie from Keeping the Moon. I am the protagonist of my favorite book.

Except my self-esteem is way better than Colie’s. I mean, come on. I’m pretty cute.

(lol I’m not really that narcissistic)

(but srsly I’m pretty cute)

In fact, Jacob even kind of reminds me of Norman from Keeping the Moon – although, Jacob is probably more rugged. Nonetheless, like Norman said to Colie, “You should never be surprised when someone treats you with respect, you should expect it,” that’s the attitude that Jacob confers to me. There’s something special about the way that Jacob will find random times to turn to me and quietly whisper, “You’re beautiful.” Being with him makes me realize just how well I deserve to be treated, because he never ceases to spoil me and work hard for me.

We met by circumstance – he was simply the new intern, and I was the polite senior intern that welcomed him into the program. I shook his hand when he walked into the room, and it was so simple. We both thought so little of it, but it wasn’t long before our eye contact would linger a little too long, and all of his jokes would make me laugh a little too much. And it wasn’t much longer after that when we would sit next to each other in the heat of a bonfire, and he would lean in to kiss me.

We quickly became a fixture of the summer. After a history of trysts and quiet rendezvous, it initially took me aback when Jacob very proudly held me around the waist around the other interns. He would even spend time showing me off to his friends, making me feel like his trophy girl. I would have dinner with his family, and he would have lunch with mine. My nervous first date jitters would evolve into content smiles, and my shyness for PDA would grow into excitement for every opportunity to hug him midstride as we walked down the sidewalk.

However, we have our heads in the game, and while summer is awesome, we realize that it would be best to stay friends after he flies across the country for his undergraduate education. (Yes, oo la la – a younger man!) I’m definitely at that leg of the journey where I’m growing increasingly sentimental, and I know it’s not going to get any easier.

Yet, I do know that this summer has been special enough to me that I want to look back and fondly remember it as I read and reflect on my experiences and my giddy schoolgirl butterflies.

We have until Saturday early morning that he leaves for undergrad, and we’re trying to make the most out of every heartbeat until then.

With that, I'll depart for now!  I have a cute date

....a date with science

...i have to count cells

T_T

SO XANGA GOT FUNDING SO SCREW SWITCHING TO TUMBLR LAWL

basically, i "switched" to tumblr and haven't blogged ONCE since then because it felt so lame compared to posting here.

LAWLLWLWALWLALWLALWLALWL 

xanga, we are officially an on-and-off couple

my god

-+-

You bite my lip!
You spike my blood!
You make my heart beat faster!

- Matt Nathanson, Faster

-+-

"You should tell everyone about what a rugged stud I am."
-- "I'm just gonna spread word about how you're the sweetest guy around!  I'm going to tell them about all the nice things you do for me and just ramble about what a softie you are."
"NOoooooOooo, you're evil!!"

-+-

I won’t tell you these things, because it’ll get me too attached.

It would make things even worse, because I already can’t take my eyes off you while we’re driving down Rosecrans to get to the I-5. I already like it when we’re stuck in rush hour traffic, because I like how you play dark techno while cursing at inferior drivers on the road. I already like feeding you bagels or oatmeal during our late morning commute, while you tailgate all the BMWs and provide deep explanations on how American cars are for chumps. I even like the leap in my chest when you dangerously wind through traffic, because even when I feel near-death as you drift around the corner, I still feel safe with you. I even like the quiet moments, where we silently hold hands on the armrest and you’ve forgotten to plug in your music. Ever so rarely, you’ll sneak glances away from traffic, just so we can share a fond smile with each other. And every single time, you never stop being easy on the eyes.

It would make things even worse, because I already like the way we talk about dopamine receptors while getting ready for work in the morning. I already like it when you show me how you trace dendrite branching, and I like it even more when we take breaks from work to take long walks around the lab complex and take naps outside your building. I already like every time I meet with you to get lunch, and you always sneak up behind me at the Sanford-Burnham Cafeteria to surprise me, making me shriek and attract all the stares. That’s okay, because when you give me a big hug hello to make up for scaring me, I already can’t think of anything else but how lucky I am to get to see you between all my protocols.

It would make things worse, because I already like the way you grab me by the waist and tell me, "Man, you're falling for me, Christa."  I already like it when we spend hours just staring into each other’s eyes. I already like it when you softly reach for my hand, only to surprise tickle me when I'm not expecting it. I already like it when you call me a dork, or when you call me babycakes, but nothing tops how much I gush when you call me your girl.

I only have you for less than two more weeks, but these last two months with you? It’s been the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time. I can’t top how happy I felt as we zipped across the sky above the San Diego Zoo, or every single time your face completely lights up when we first see each other after a long day of work. I can’t top how fulfilling it is to wake up next to you every morning, and fall asleep next to you every night.

When I left Merced, I left the only place that I called “home.”

I won’t tell you these things, but leaving work every day and getting to be next to you, in your room – right now, that’s the closest thing I have to “home.”

“Will you miss me?”

I know I’ll be absolutely heartbroken when you leave, but it’ll be worth it, because I was able to spend the last two months feeling like the luckiest girl alive.  I cry every time we even mention the fact that you have to leave, and I'm sure it won't get any easier as these next two weeks quickly count down.

- "Yeahhhhh, maybe.  What about you?  When you fly away, will you go, 'K whatever bitch, bye'?"
"...WHAT"

Still in shock by my playful proposition, you gesture for me to stand next to you, and you pull me close.  You hold my cheek in your hand, and you get so sincere.

"You know I'll miss you."

As you softly kiss me, I blink away the imminent tears.

-- "I'll miss you, too."

But I won't tell you these things, because it'll get me too attached.

because CLEARLY i'm not attached

cough