happy 28th
happy 9th!
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Dear Phuc,
You'll probably never read this. I don't know if we still have some residual telepathy left over from our six years together, and both find ourselves reminiscing about each other today, or if this completely blew over your head and as far as you're concerned, I'm a blur that never existed. But I'm just going to swallow my pride and write from the heart, because that's important to me today.
I wonder if you remember today. Exactly one year ago today, you left me. At some point, I braced myself for a lifetime of loneliness. However, almost instantaneously, I proved myself wrong. In the end, it wasn't just loneliness that I proved myself wrong on - I proved myself wrong about almost everything.
I wish you could meet me. Not in a way to reconnect, not in a way to become friends, not in a way to catch up. I just wish you could meet me, just because I think you'd be so proud of me and the person that I've become.
You were the one that reassured me that everyone would love me if I just let them know me the way you knew me, and all those years, I never believed you. But all along, you were right. Do you remember when I struggled to find a single friend in the entire world? I have so much support now, from high school, from college, from family, from my work... it's outstanding. It's so outstanding when I realize what a wallflower I used to be. Gosh, and back then, there was that one day where we were so stoked when I made conversation with your friends at Crystal's house. I helped Daniel prepare beverages, and you gave me a hug and told me that you were proud of me! Since then, a lot of people were there for me when I was getting over you, and a lot of those same people are still there for me now. And as it turns out, a lot of those people were from our high school and people that I met during my first two years at UCM - during the very years that I was convinced that I had no friends other than you. And that was when I realized, that I was never really alone, as much as I thought I was. I was so convinced that I didn't have any friends, that I was completely blind to all the people around me that cared for me. Since then, I've met even more friends, and made even more memories with the people at my college and even the people from our high school. It's been just wonderful!
I still have a long ways to go, but despite the obstacles and road blocks that I'm still overcoming, I'm growing so much. I'm so happy to tell you that I've now gone nearly a year without depression, and it's been a year since I've last hurt myself. Do you remember how it used to take you so long to get me to tell you anything whenever I was sad about something? Or how I used to not compromise for beans? How I was so closed-minded about critique? How I was so quick to shut you out, and everything you said, I wouldn't believe you or cooperate?
I'm now able to think of that girl, that sad girl that I became when you told me, "You're not the same," and I feel so sorry for her. I almost want to feel ashamed that I used to be that girl, but she was important to me. She was important for me to recognize what I want to get away from, and who I want to distance myself from. I would mentally brush along those states of mind, but then I would think things like, "No, I have to express how I feel. I know better, after how I was with Phuc." I'm no longer that girl that is convinced that no one would ever want to marry a girl like me. I have a bright future now, one that I want to chase wholeheartedly.
A year later, I have to admit that it's still somewhat surreal when I realize, "I'm not with Phuc anymore." I still get the, "whoaaa" reaction when I tell anyone that I dated my high school sweetheart for nearly six years. I remember when we were the couple. When we were hot shit. It's still surreal when I evaluate the person that I used to be, and to absorb just how well I'm doing now when I consider how long I was with you, and how devastated I was when you left. I'm still rough around the edges, but these days, I am letting myself grow, rather than letting myself give up, and that's been making all the difference. It's nothing at all like how I gave up on myself when I was with you.
Now, I want to thank you for leaving me. I want to thank you for taking my hand and telling me, "I don't think we should be together anymore." Thank you for not only six years of poignant memories, but also for this last year of growth, improvement, and rejuvenation. I never would have pushed myself so much to grow and change myself if it wasn't for you, and for your choice to leave me.
A year later, I'm proud to say that I don't love you anymore. I don't miss you anymore. I don't need you in my life anymore. That's beautiful, because you know how much I was dependent on you. I leaned on you, and I clung to you, and that was detrimental for both of us. I learned a lot from the time that I spent with you, and a lot of ways that I want to improve my life.
So thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for our time together, thank you for this past year, and thank you for all the growth and memories that are still yet to come - with or without you.
But you would know best that I'm a sucker for nostalgia, so...
Happy anniversary, Phuc!
Happy one year anniversary.