Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

- Passenger, Let Her Go

-+-

Since Jacob left, I've been sporadically texting Jacob pictures of me with his cat.  Since then, my visits with Mambo the Kitten have been among the highlights of my daily schedule.

Observe:

"You and Mambo are beautiful!"

-+-

I’m now here, writing this while sitting on Jacob’s bed, without a Jacob next to me.

Since dropping him off at the airport early Saturday morning, life has been a little surreal.  I feel like I just woke up from a dream that I’ve been at Disneyland for the last two months – like I’m coming back down from a magical vacation, where life was concentrated whimsy.  But as seasons always do, summer had to come to an end.  When I’m driving down alone on the freeway, I have flashes of sitting next to him while he flies through traffic.  While getting ready to start my day, I suddenly have the vivid image of him brushing his teeth in the reflection of the bathroom mirror.  And now, sitting on his bed, it is unreal to turn around and see that he’s not lying here, with me.

On the list of emotional goodbyes, our last day of summer definitely makes it pretty high on the list.  I do realize that eventually, time will stop feeling so slow and days will stop feeling so long.  But as far as fresh goodbyes go, well…

Man, I really miss that boy right now.

But aside from my pouting, I also wanted to make sure I could document my memories of our last day.  It'll be a bland read - not a lot of spark or charisma, just the nitty-gritty episodic memory.

Our last day started simple.  I went with him to a haircut appointment, and we had lunch together before he dropped me off at work.  Outside of remembering that this would be the last time Jacob drove me to Scripps this summer, the day was almost average.  I left work early, and the day felt ordinary until I started walking down the stairs to meet with Jacob outside my building.  As my shoes clicked along the laminate floor, I realized that once Jacob picked me up, the countdown would be really starting.  I already started tearing up -- bad foreshadowing for the rest of the day.  But still, when I hopped into the Big Lexus and saw his handsome mug again, I couldn't help but smile so big!

We took an afternoon nap together so that we could sleep next to each other one last time.  I cried big when we were falling asleep, and again soon after waking up.  "I'm sorry, I'm so sentimental!" I would pout, but he was always reassuring me, "It's okay, babe.  This isn't the last day, we'll see each other again!"  I still remember how warm he felt as he spooned me, and how comfortable it was when he wrapped his arms around me.  "You don't need a pillow!  This is your pillow," he'd say while guiding my head to the nook of his arm.

We woke up in time for his goodbye dinner, and I went out for sushi with Jacob and his parents!  Every time I have sushi with them is the best, most enjoyable sushi of my life!  But there were some special highlights in our goodbye dinner for Jacob.  Like when we were driving there - I sat shotgun to keep Jacob's mom company, fighting his sad pout as he wanted me to sit next to him.  He moved in the backseat so that he would be sitting directly behind me, and spent the entire drive with his arms wrapped around me.  At dinner, his dad took pictures of us, and his mom asked her son, "Jacob, do you remember when you said you weren't into Asian girls?"  I giggle, completely tickled.  She turns to me, "You're the one that broke it!"

Jacob puts his arm around my shoulder, "But Christa is especially cute!"

She laughs, "That's true, she is cute."

When dinner is over, Jacob's mom offers that he and I drive on our own back to the house.  "I know that this is your last night with Jacob," she tells me.  When I tell Jacob, "Dude, your mom totally just had us have alone time together," he replies, "My god, it's like she's a person!"

We get back to the house, and Jacob and I spend time watching Burn Notice, and just chatting and appreciating each other.  We go to the store one last time, when Jacob admits, "I'm getting really emotional right now.  Christa, why did you get me so attached to you?"  Every now and then, I ask him how he is, and he would hold me and reply, "I don't know, I just really want you to come with me to Georgia right now."  At around 3 AM, we decide to watch one more episode of Burn Notice, and I sob during the opening credits, realizing that this was the last thing I would get to do with Jacob this summer.  "It's okay, baby," he strokes my hair, "don't cry."  After the episode, I cry again as Jacob spoons me, and we get to sleep next to each other again.

We wake up at 4:45 a.m. - 15 minutes before he's supposed to leave for the airport.  Suddenly, his leaving crashes down on both of us, and it gets so real.  Our eyes well up all morning, and he holds me throughout the short drive to the airport.

"We're already here?" I sadly say.

"I know, the drive is too short," he replies, never breaking his embrace.

As we walk Jacob to the terminal, Jacob and I have our last hug of summer - the one we spend so much time dreading.  We hold each other tightly, and he whispers to me, "This isn't goodbye, Christa.  You're a special girl, and I had an amazing summer with you."

His dad tells us that Jacob has to go, and we finally let go before he walked away.  I looked at him fondly as I went down the escalator, and played our last day through my head on repeat as his dad drove me back to Point Loma.  I went back to bed, and texted Jacob, "I'll stay up to text you until you board the plane, is that ok?" with my favorite reply being, "Through the windows on the baording ramp, I could see Point Loma and tried to figure out where you are."

As the plane took off, he reminded me how special I am to him before turning off his phone.

That concluded our last day of summer together, and for the first time in what felt like forever, I fell asleep, without a Jacob holding me.

http://smg.photobucket.com/user/orangeyoh/media/00025-1.mp4.html

Documenting my memories with Jacob through a multimedia experience!

His mom loaned me her camcorder, requesting that I record her son's final presentation for our internship, as his parents couldn't attend.  I promptly started a riot to document memories!  I started by testing out the camcorder and got this gem -- the amazingly awkward recording of narrating Jacob as he brushes his teeth.

I am getting so sentimental as Saturday comes closer!

Oh I, I am not the one who preys...
So why, why am I the one to praise?

- Vienna Teng, In the 99

-+-

"You're my Asian honey!"

-+-

I mean, of course there are plenty of things that happened this summer, each event worth writing about.

I could write about lab, and how it’s both the same and very different from last year. How the people are the same, but the attitudes and the dynamic feels strange and new. Some people are more pessimistic, some are more reserved, and some are more affable than I remember from last year. I could write about my television experience, where I hung out at Morgan Freeman’s house and starred as an extra in an upcoming episode of Through the Wormhole. I could write about my interns, and share my memories about them – my responsibilities as the Senior Intern, my opinions on the Young Old People and their cheese & wine parties, or my absolute love for the guys in Apartment #935. I could even write about up north, with stories of lost affections, richer friendships, and teary visits with family.

But at the end of the day, there’s only one big thing on my mind that truly craves the permanence of writing.

In fact, he’s been the biggest thing on my mind at the end of every day for the last two months.

His name is Jacob.

No frills of pseudomystery, no cryptic references, no silly secret nicknames like “ghost,” or “catfish.” Simply -- his name is Jacob, and he’s the kind of person that deserves more than subtlety and secrecy, more than shyness and restraint.

I’ll warn you properly that these are the words of a girl that’s head over heels, but I’ll shamelessly disgust you all the same.

He has beautiful gray eyes, and he’s overcome my adverse attitudes towards men with facial hair. I love running my fingers through his short, light brown hair – though not nearly as much as I adore the way his eyes wrinkle when he laughs.

Yet, if you told me a few months ago that I would meet someone this summer, I would’ve kicked myself, assuming that I must’ve become that girl with some random summer fling. I would’ve hit myself for letting myself fall into something so shallow and frivolous.

But instead, my life is a Sarah Dessen novel -- somehow, in the concise, transient timeframe of summer, something amazing comes along.  My God, I’m Colie from Keeping the Moon. I am the protagonist of my favorite book.

Except my self-esteem is way better than Colie’s. I mean, come on. I’m pretty cute.

(lol I’m not really that narcissistic)

(but srsly I’m pretty cute)

In fact, Jacob even kind of reminds me of Norman from Keeping the Moon – although, Jacob is probably more rugged. Nonetheless, like Norman said to Colie, “You should never be surprised when someone treats you with respect, you should expect it,” that’s the attitude that Jacob confers to me. There’s something special about the way that Jacob will find random times to turn to me and quietly whisper, “You’re beautiful.” Being with him makes me realize just how well I deserve to be treated, because he never ceases to spoil me and work hard for me.

We met by circumstance – he was simply the new intern, and I was the polite senior intern that welcomed him into the program. I shook his hand when he walked into the room, and it was so simple. We both thought so little of it, but it wasn’t long before our eye contact would linger a little too long, and all of his jokes would make me laugh a little too much. And it wasn’t much longer after that when we would sit next to each other in the heat of a bonfire, and he would lean in to kiss me.

We quickly became a fixture of the summer. After a history of trysts and quiet rendezvous, it initially took me aback when Jacob very proudly held me around the waist around the other interns. He would even spend time showing me off to his friends, making me feel like his trophy girl. I would have dinner with his family, and he would have lunch with mine. My nervous first date jitters would evolve into content smiles, and my shyness for PDA would grow into excitement for every opportunity to hug him midstride as we walked down the sidewalk.

However, we have our heads in the game, and while summer is awesome, we realize that it would be best to stay friends after he flies across the country for his undergraduate education. (Yes, oo la la – a younger man!) I’m definitely at that leg of the journey where I’m growing increasingly sentimental, and I know it’s not going to get any easier.

Yet, I do know that this summer has been special enough to me that I want to look back and fondly remember it as I read and reflect on my experiences and my giddy schoolgirl butterflies.

We have until Saturday early morning that he leaves for undergrad, and we’re trying to make the most out of every heartbeat until then.

With that, I'll depart for now!  I have a cute date

 

....a date with science

...i have to count cells

T_T

SO XANGA GOT FUNDING SO SCREW SWITCHING TO TUMBLR LAWL

basically, i "switched" to tumblr and haven't blogged ONCE since then because it felt so lame compared to posting here.

LAWLLWLWALWLALWLALWLALWL 

xanga, we are officially an on-and-off couple

my god

-+-

You bite my lip!
You spike my blood!
You make my heart beat faster!

- Matt Nathanson, Faster

-+-

"You should tell everyone about what a rugged stud I am."
-- "I'm just gonna spread word about how you're the sweetest guy around!  I'm going to tell them about all the nice things you do for me and just ramble about what a softie you are."
"NOoooooOooo, you're evil!!"

-+-

I won’t tell you these things, because it’ll get me too attached.

It would make things even worse, because I already can’t take my eyes off you while we’re driving down Rosecrans to get to the I-5. I already like it when we’re stuck in rush hour traffic, because I like how you play dark techno while cursing at inferior drivers on the road. I already like feeding you bagels or oatmeal during our late morning commute, while you tailgate all the BMWs and provide deep explanations on how American cars are for chumps. I even like the leap in my chest when you dangerously wind through traffic, because even when I feel near-death as you drift around the corner, I still feel safe with you. I even like the quiet moments, where we silently hold hands on the armrest and you’ve forgotten to plug in your music. Ever so rarely, you’ll sneak glances away from traffic, just so we can share a fond smile with each other. And every single time, you never stop being easy on the eyes.

It would make things even worse, because I already like the way we talk about dopamine receptors while getting ready for work in the morning. I already like it when you show me how you trace dendrite branching, and I like it even more when we take breaks from work to take long walks around the lab complex and take naps outside your building. I already like every time I meet with you to get lunch, and you always sneak up behind me at the Sanford-Burnham Cafeteria to surprise me, making me shriek and attract all the stares. That’s okay, because when you give me a big hug hello to make up for scaring me, I already can’t think of anything else but how lucky I am to get to see you between all my protocols.

It would make things worse, because I already like the way you grab me by the waist and tell me, "Man, you're falling for me, Christa."  I already like it when we spend hours just staring into each other’s eyes. I already like it when you softly reach for my hand, only to surprise tickle me when I'm not expecting it. I already like it when you call me a dork, or when you call me babycakes, but nothing tops how much I gush when you call me your girl.

I only have you for less than two more weeks, but these last two months with you? It’s been the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time. I can’t top how happy I felt as we zipped across the sky above the San Diego Zoo, or every single time your face completely lights up when we first see each other after a long day of work. I can’t top how fulfilling it is to wake up next to you every morning, and fall asleep next to you every night.

When I left Merced, I left the only place that I called “home.”

I won’t tell you these things, but leaving work every day and getting to be next to you, in your room – right now, that’s the closest thing I have to “home.”

“Will you miss me?”

I know I’ll be absolutely heartbroken when you leave, but it’ll be worth it, because I was able to spend the last two months feeling like the luckiest girl alive.  I cry every time we even mention the fact that you have to leave, and I'm sure it won't get any easier as these next two weeks quickly count down.

- "Yeahhhhh, maybe.  What about you?  When you fly away, will you go, 'K whatever bitch, bye'?"
"...WHAT"

Still in shock by my playful proposition, you gesture for me to stand next to you, and you pull me close.  You hold my cheek in your hand, and you get so sincere.

"You know I'll miss you."

As you softly kiss me, I blink away the imminent tears.

-- "I'll miss you, too."

But I won't tell you these things, because it'll get me too attached.

because CLEARLY i'm not attached

cough

SUPER MEGA LIFE-CHANGING ANNOUNCEMENT: I'll be relocating my primary blog to http://becauseitsdelicious.tumblr.com -- details below!

-+-

In our Relationships unit of PSY 131: Social Psychology, we learned that in a breakup, the amount of distress that you face depends on who ends the relationship.

“Breakers generally experience the least stress, along with fewer negative physical symptoms (headaches, insomnia, etc.)

Breakees experience the highest amount of stress, as well as loneliness, depression, and have high levels of physical disorders

Mutual breakups were in between the two. So if you ever find yourself getting dumped, make sure you tell your partner (and yourself!) that it was mutual and you will experience less distress.”

This admittedly would’ve been extremely useful information a few years ago, but I am now choosing to not squander this sound advice.

Except this time, I’m having a mutual breakup with my Xanga.

It’s now a very real possibility that Xanga will be shutting down, and I’ll be honest — my Xanga is one of my oldest and dearest relationships.  My heart has been located at xanga.com/jounouchilvr since November 24th, 2002.  These pages archive my memories and my lifelong growth.  It was a difficult decision for me to make, considering that Xanga's fundraising efforts have another month left in store.  But, I've been following it for the last few weeks, and the outlook is unfortunately pessimistic on my side.

It’s funny that Xanga may be shutting down around the same time as my college graduation.

It’s like life wants me to grow up, in every spectrum of my life.

With that, I sadly find myself at a “mutual breakup” with Xanga — as Xanga may have to leave, I have to do the same, too.

If you still want to follow my blogs, I am tentatively relocating the story of my life to http://becauseitsdelicious.tumblr.com — previously, my poetry blog. Before that, my conversations with Phuc blog.  And before that, my random quotes from The Office blog.  But, other than Xanga, it’s the blog that I’ve had the longest, and seemed like an appropriate venue to relocate to.

Fortunately, Xanga has been allowing full blog archival, and my last eleven years of blogging aren’t lost, but are now tucked away in my hard drive.  I’ll be sure to have lame awesome throwback posts where I can continue to share my old memories with you all, just like back in the day when Xanga was hot stuff.

With that, this entry will be the last blog post of jounouchilvr.xanga.com, and will also be the first new post-poetry blog post of becauseitsdelicious.tumblr.com.

I’ll miss you, Xanga.

This is a continuation of my last blog post, where I just wanted to jot down anything jot-worthy from my 2010-2011 weekly planner.  

This is actually when I blogged the most, because the first semester of this is all during my overcoming of my break-up and my depression!  So I thought it was really interesting to see it in this light.  Mostly I just talk about my lab and my friends. It's kind of cute!  It's also a little nostalgic, because just like in '10-'11, there's name tha

Another interesting thing (maybe... "interesting" is not the right word) is that I was way more organized and active in my 2011-2012 planner than in my 2010-2011.

This was the average week in '10...

While this was the average week in '11...

Whew, what lab does to a girl!  My agenda upkeep falls a lot in Spring semester, and I'm not totally sure why -- if it's because I got into the groove of lab, or if it's the same as my Xanga, where I even plan less when I have close friends to talk with, let alone blog less.  My god.

-+-

06/24/2011: Dusty's 30th birthday!

06/27/2011: (my first day of lab!) lab 325, TC room 323, prep alpha-mem media, rinse buffer prep, Ab prep, practice aspirating plates, "you'll get it, rookie"

06/30/2011: Confocal Microscopy Class, "you're doing really great and i'm really happy to have you in the lab" - Heather

07/01/2011: independently fed corey's cells with una, flow cytometry w/ Heather until midnight!!!

07/05/2011: corey said i'm doing great! freeze cells with corey, Taco Tuesday

07/06/2011: Morrell's 20th birthday

07/07/2011: cycling w/ Lia @ 5:30 pm (most of the interns went to the gym together! it was pretty cute)

07/13/2011: watch SYTYCD with cathy, then hang out with morrell!

08/01/2011: jesus comes back from spain!

08/03/2011: Manilay Breakfast (my first one! we had these every semester.)

08/04/2011: Undergraduate Summer Research Symposium (that's when this gem took place)

05/05/2011: Bryce drove me home! "black it up," glasses + denial, "Jesús is more beautiful than me!" (lol none of that makes sense out of context so i have no idea what most of that means)

08/08/2011: Christa that's b/c you're hardcore!

08/09/2011: pep talk from the lab -- Jesús: "I'm very glad to be working with you!"; Corey: "You blew it out of the park.  We all think you're worth keeping around."

08/17/2011: Heather's birthday!

08/19/2011: M

08/26/2011: Sal!

08/29/2011: Start IFA with Jesús, Hello Kitty from Sal!

08/31/2011: Cornell gets my name!!

09/01/2011: "You'll always be the rookie!" - Corey

09/04/2011: "can you show me on the board" (???... christa, provide more context for these quotes you randomly save and set aside)

09/12/2011: "So you have been cheating me!  Here I am, I've been trying to throw my knowledge at you" (when i quietly listened to my post-doc train me in something that I already knew), "the plate my beautiful student made!"

09/13/2011: Liza's birthday!

09/14/2011: "You know what you're worth, so never settle for anything less."
"What if I left?"
"It would break my heart."
"I don't wanna break your heart."
"I know. I know. It's okay. It's okay."
"Would you wait for me?"
...

09/22/2011: Una's birthday!  And Moria (my lab TA) says happy birthday to her!

09/23/2011: dinner party @ 7

09/24/2011: Omer's birthday!

09/29/2011: "You did a great job today!"

10/10/2011: give Bryce birthday gift!

10/11/2011: Jaymie's 20th birthday

10/21/2011: Sock Hop! Go with Una!

10/29/2011: UCSF Grad School Seminar (where i learned about scripps!)

11/10/2011: hella creepy old guy @ Psych talk (lol someone in a psych seminar stared at me the entire seminar, and it became a point of discussion with all the other interns for the next few days)

11/15/2011: Sat with Luke (after this, we had a tradition of having breakfast together every tuesday and thursday morning before our classes)

11/16/2011: studied with morrell, ZAP! i command you to move on

11/17/2011: dHOP with Cesar + Annie & Co.

11/18/2011: won Israel in the Theta Tau fundraiser!

11/19/2011: lunch with morrell, drew's thanksgiving dinner, and nancy's thanksgiving dinner... whew!

11/21/2011: gossip with alex about boys LOL

11/30/2011: watch big bang theory with steven!

12/02/2011: UC Merced Winter Formal! 

12/04/2011: Mom's birthday, Sal's birthday, Date-A-Tau Fundraiser w/ Israel, study date with Steven!

12/06/2011: ended it with Sal. study w/ steven until 4 am!

12/07/2011: showed to viri lol, hug from Bryce!

12/08/2011: showed to Luke LOL

12/10/2011: Choir Concert, buy flowers in the morning

12/13/2011: glasses broke!! wore contacts for the first time

12/16/2011: house christmas dinner!

12/20/2011: Manilay Lab Breakfast

(After this semester, I start using my agenda much less, and it starts looking as empty as my 2010-2011 planner.)

01/06/2012: NCUR 2012 acceptance letters sent AND I GOT ACCEPTED

01/07/2012: my 21st birthday!

01/31/2012: MCCM - best friends.

02/25/2012: "Give Morrell Money" (not written in my handwriting...)

03/03/2012: "Bake a cake for Morrell"

03/10/2012: "Cookies! for Morrell."

03/17/2012: "Ice cream, cookie cake! for Morrell"

03/24/2012: "Give Morrell MONEY"

03/27/2012: Go to Utah lol

03/31/2012: "Worship Morrell & pay tribute"

04/13/2012: CCRS in Fresno!

04/21/2012: Loyola with Morrell!

05/19/2012: "Sacrificial tribute to Morrell (a young virgin)" (lol wtf man)

07/01/2012: "Booga!"

As I'm unpacking from Merced, I'm sorting through all my things, and I decided that it was time to throw away my old school agendas.  Before throwing out my 2010-2011 agenda, I wanted to jot down the dates that seemed worth noting and worth keeping, whether it's because something sounds important or if it's simply for the lulz.  I did this before with a past agenda, but lost the information when my computer crashed.  So this time, why not just post it on Xanga?

For context, during this time, I was a sophomore in college, still living in the on-campus dorms.  I was still dating Phuc until the very end of the agenda.  I was still in the process of joining the Manilay Lab.  This is all during the peak of my mental and emotional struggles, although very little of that is ever mentioned.

-+-

lol every few days has: "got toilet paper from housing office today"

August 24, 2010: cricket jumped on me

September 2, 2013: return non-cute purse to walmart

September 3-4, 2013: sacanime!

September 16, 2010: omg today sucked. can't find ipod, late to class, missed breakfast, forgot ochem notebook, didn't know hw was due until 3 hours before it was due, but most of all: "I'm not gonna text you if you're gonna be like this."

holy crap i was still in the red cross club. this is forever ago.

November 3, 2010: pay speeding ticket D: and register for traffic school (my first speeding ticket, and luckily my only one since then!)

January 18, 2011: 31 more days!

January 20, 2011: watch inception with michelle

February 12, 2011: Meeting for House @ 1 pm (about to live with who'd become some of my best friends!)

March 2, 2011: Manilay Lab Interview at 3 PM

March 18, 2011: Dr. Appt for sleepiness

March 25, 2011: bay van le's funeral and burial

March 28, 2011: Davis <3, namaste, orange chicken, "rub mah belleh", minecraft mushroom

March 29, 2011: bio extra credit at noon i'd rather get lunch

April 1, 2011: counseling appt

April 4, 2011: construct cravings list (advice from therapy)

April 8, 2011: Enderle at UCM!

April 12, 2011: revelations in christianity (???)

April 22, 2011: Hang out with Joeve and Daniel!  Tomi Sushi, told Joeve lol (??? wut.. wut did i tell her?), Greek dinner, sooo bloated

April 23, 2011: Mission Peak Hike (omg i died on this hike), Thai dinner!!, Korean lunch with Pat, food coma & nap, ginger

April 25, 2011: Jesús is assigned as my mentor in the Manilay Lab!

April 29, 2011: Vienna Teng Concert in Grass Valley @ 8:00 PM - AMAZING

May 4, 2011: COEHD final presentations, 3-7:30 PM, CA room - mandatory!! (where i met morrell for the first time!)

June 1, 2011: COEHD - 18 applications, 13 interviews, 9 selected

(June 9, 2011: Nothing is written here, but it's an important day! huehuehue i so mysteriouz)

June 13, 2011: COEHD First Meeting, S&E 300

-+-

Next: my 2011-2012 agenda! XD

What is the best way for me to describe this last month?

Do I start with the rigorous finale to my two years working in the research laboratory, or do I dive straight into my college commencement -- the grand finale to my college career at UC Merced?  Do I start by describing the fulfillment of my nearly lifelong dream to walk the streets of Manhattan, or do I introduce with how much of a blubbering mess I was as I said goodbye to my best friend as we parted ways in Merced?

This is a story that will take multiple posts to document.  I want to write about them all over the next few days/weeks, because I want to engrave them into my memory through written word.  But where to start?

-+-

I know what's freshest in my memory, and it's the image of him in my rearview mirror in his khaki shorts and his blue-gray T-shirt.  

I promised him I wouldn't cry again while we were saying goodbye.  While I couldn't hold in a few tears, I saved the heavy crying for after I turned the corner, and I drove away from his neighborhood for the last time.

I spent the morning helping him move out of his house, right before I was about to move out of mine.

"I'm really wishy-washy, aren't I?" I pouted at the start of the morning, apologizing for getting choked up the last few times we hung out that week.  Over the last two days, I got teary during my last time in Merced riding shotgun in his car, and I cried a little the last time that we played video games together.

"Yes, definitely," he replied, without hesitation.  

We laughed.

"Okay," he said, indicating that it was time for me to start wrapping up to leave, "It's time."

Right after deciding that I wouldn't cry during our last few hours in Merced together, the moment he said that, tears started welling up in my eyes.  I clung to his arms and gave him a big hug, as my tears developed into a heaving sob.

"I-I-I'm gonna misssss yooooooo," I whimpered, almost unintelligibly.

He hugged me back, laughing at how much of a mess I quickly became, "Awww, why are you crying so much?  Oh my god, you're super 'ugly-face crying'!  Awwww, Christa...!"

I let go a little, leaving an enormously wet stain on the shoulder of his shirt.  I whimper through tears, "You know what I realized?  I think out of everything about Merced, I'm going to miss you the most."

He hugged me again in solace, "Aw, what?  Why me?  What about the lab?  What about everyone else?"

I fell back into a heaving sob and tackled him with a hug.  I wept in his arms, "B-b-b-b-but... y-you're my beeeest friiiiieeeeend.... nyehhhh!!!"

As I finally calmed down from all my heart-wrenching FEELINGS, he laughed, "You know, I'm never going to let you live this down.  I will always make fun of you for how much you ugly-face cried today."

After I manage to muster, "nyeeeeh u assholleeeeee nyehhhh," I ask him, my eyes still brimming with tears, "Can I just hang out while you clean? purleeze i so sad"

With another laugh, he agrees.

After two hours of packing and cleaning, it was when I was about to leave that would be my most vivid memory of the entire saga of "The Last Days of Merced."

"I'll leave when you're done sending this e-mail," I mumble, sadly.

When he hits the "Send" button, we exchange a sad look, and I whimper like a sad pug.  

"Well, it's been a lot of fun, Christa," he smiles as I continue whimpering sadly.  He kisses me on the forehead, "And we'll have a lot more fun, okay?"

And I hope I would never forget that reassuring little kiss.

With a little smile, I nod, "Mmhmm, yee!"

When I drive off, I ask him to pat me on the head one last time, after years of asking him to pat me on the head at times of both celebration and sadness.  (I've learned I like getting patted on the head.)

"I love you, maynnnnnn," I yell at him through my window as I pull out of my parking spot, "Bahhh!"

"I love you too, Christa," he smiles, "Byee!"

As I drive away, I see him in my rearview mirror, and I stick my hand out my window to wave at him.  Then, just before he's too far that I can't see him anymore, I try my best to really concentrate and remember him, standing there, in his khaki shorts and his blue-gray T-shirt.

Desire is my masquerade;
want you,
I never will.

- Vienna Teng, Unwritten Letter No. 1

-+-

I'm going through that phase again where my thoughts sound like blog posts, and I know that I'm overdue to write again.  They almost always start with some hook that I would think sounds intellectual and cool, something faux-philosophical that usually makes me sound more like a cliché, amateur poet.  

An example is where I stare outside the passenger window, admiring the trees, and think phrases like,

'This may be pretty bold of me to say, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that in some alternate universe, there's a version of you and a version of me that's very happy together.'

Yeah.  Yeah, that sounds pretty cool.

'There's a version of you that ends up at a university less than ten minutes away from me.  We watch the same sunset behind the Pacific Ocean, and we complain about the same June Gloom.  We're busy pursuing our respective careers, but after we're done settling into our respective grooves, we still try to catch up every now and then, meeting for lunch or dinner.  We take time to mature, and to grow into our own skin.  

Then, we realize that we're not waiting for the clock to run out anymore.  It's no longer a matter of weeks, but a matter of years.  At some cheesy romantic moment, whether it's when we watch the sunset side-by-side or simply when we're waiting at our table for the restaurant to cook our ramen, we verbalize our mutual realization that we're worth giving this a shot.'

I get distracted when I awe at the cows standing along the meadow, and giggle when one of them seems to stare at me.

I hear your voice next to me, "You're such a spaz."

I then submit to another daydream.  I continue reflecting à la blog,

'Someday, I won't be hearing you say that on a daily basis anymore.  Isn't that such a strange thing to realize?

Because this version of you, the one sitting next to me right now, is not the version that ends up at a university less than ten minutes away from me.  You'll experience a different June than mine, with its own weathers and seasons, and you'll be waiting with someone else for your delicious orders of ramen.  What is a matter of weeks is simply a matter of weeks.

But if I were to think about the other version of you, and the other version of me, I'd simply think, Good for them.'

You park your car, and I take a moment to show you the bruise that I got from running into a sink.

I whine, "i gots a bruisies nyeh"

Without hesitation, you punch my bruise and laugh.

'Yes, I say, Good for them.  But honestly, I'll be okay if we never meet those other versions of us.  All I truly hope for is that we can always stay like this, and that time can nourish what we have now.  I like these versions of us.  After all, this version of you and this version of me.. it sure ain't bad.'

I stand there whining as you start walking ahead of me.  You call, "C'mon, spaz."  It's my turn to laugh, chasing after you.

'Ain't bad at all.'

a little more action, please
all this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
a little more bite and a little less bark
a little less fight and a little more spark
close your mouth and open up your heart and baby,
satisfy me
satisfy me, baby

- Elvis Presley, A Little Less Conversation

-+- 

I stare out the passenger car window, letting the sun gently kiss my cheek.

I think about my life, and I think about how nice it is that I don't know you anymore.

People still ask me how you're doing, and I say I don't know, which is true. But I'll admit, I do wonder, too. People ask me if I've heard from you, and yes, I do just tell them about when I last heard from you. I tell them how long it's been, and they nod their heads.

The story ought to end there, but nostalgia is both wonderful and cruel, and I experience the bittersweet tang of memory whenever I hear your name.  But, even more so, whenever I encounter the same fragrance that I used to love so fondly on your clothes, your skin, your bed.  If I close my eyes, I'm there again.

But, that was then and there, and that was left then and there.

I'm glad for that.

Yet, I look at the people around me, and wonder if this will happen again?  If someday, in the future, I'll be glad to not know them anymore?  I hope to god not.  I hope I've learned better by now.  Who knows if I've passed my stage as a fledgling yet?  I've gotten myself into too many messes by exaggerating my progress and getting too caught up in how whimsical the world should be, rather than how much it actually is.

Hmm, I at least feel wiser now.  Well... I'm glad for that, too.

-+-

Just a little update for just a little amount of free time. 

I always want to come back more often, though.  I always want to write more, but w-w-w-writer's block! Blogger's block?

Anyway, see you soon (hopefully)!