One good girl
is worth a thousand bitches.- Kanye West, Bound 2
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"If something's important to you, it doesn't matter whether you have time. If you really care about something, you'll make time."
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As you may have noticed, this is my first time writing since September.
I'll tell you all the excuses I have, but point is, I haven't been here since September for pretty much negligible, half-cocked reasons.
The writing stopped, but life didn't. There's a lot of highs and lows that you missed -- a lot of fun moments and a lot of drama. I think that's one of the reasons that I didn't want to blog. I convoluted my blog with so much melodrama and sensationalized commentary that you wouldn't blink at the thought of me writing for Grey's Anatomy. I felt like I dug myself into an emotional hole of a blog -- not only did it get me stuck in a certain style and topic for my blog posts, but reading over my old blogs would just make me go, "Oh, boo hoo, poor baby."
But enough of that. I know, I know, write whatever I want to write about, it's my blog, blog like no one's reading. I know the gig but nobody's perfect, right?
Anyway, I digress. Let's get to the real business.
I could tell you about Washington, D.C., I could tell you about my love life, my work life, my museum life, but I know what everyone's really eager for...
PRODUCT REVIEWS.
Today, I was shopping for Christmas presents, when a thought suddenly struck me: "I should buy twist balloons to make balloon animals."
For some reason beyond me, the fact that I used to make balloon animals has been coming up in conversation lately more frequently than I'd expect (note: the first time i mentioned it was already 1 time too frequently).
When I was a freshman in college, I went through a brief but enthusiastic phase during which I taught myself and practiced making balloon animals. Mind you, I didn't get very far. As I explain to people, I knew how to make a balloon dog, a balloon giraffe (which is essentially a dog with a long neck), and a balloon sword (which is essentially if you only make half of a dog and stop there). A highlight of my phase is that once, I visited Phuc at UC Davis, and sat in on one of his lectures. I happened to have my balloon animal materials with me (because why the fuck not?), and when Phuc discovered that I did, he started asking his classmates if they wanted balloon animals -- "You can either get a dog, giraffe, or a sword." By the time lecture started, there was a small cluster of students in the middle of the lecture hall with various balloon creations. (Not only was that moment the highlight of my balloon-shaping career, but it's now one of the few anecdotes that made the highlight reel of my entire relationship with Phuc.)
Then, one day, I decided to diverge from my trifecta of dogs/giraffes/swords and learn how to make other balloon creations. When I learned how to make a swan, I left the little blue swan out in the living room of my dorm. A mix of amateur technique and Merced heat made my swan lose its initial shape, and a friend of my roommate told us that "it looked like we had a balloon penis in the dorm." My self-esteem was still severely fragile at the time, so I was so embarrassed that I not only destroyed my balloon swan, but I threw away my balloon-making materials and never made a balloon animal again. If that same situation happened now, I probably would've giggled and told him that it was indeed a balloon penis, and that it was commissioned by his mom because it was the only thing that could adequately fill her enormous vagina.
Whenever I mention my short-lived balloon animal phase, people always double-take, "So you've never made a balloon animal since then?!" and I would nod. Sometimes they would ask, "Wow, you were traumatized that badly?" and I would think about it and reply, "Hm, I suppose not, I just never thought about getting back into it. It's just been so long that it's not on my radar anymore."
Today, that changed. I had mentioned the balloon animal story so much lately, that when I was walking around the store and saw the sign that said "TOYS," I thought, '...dear god, i wonder if they sell a balloon animal kit?'
Spoiler alert: the answer was yes. I bought it in a heartbeat, hoping that people would think it was a Christmas gift, but no actually yeah I'm srsly really just waiting in line so I can buy a balloon twisting kit for myself and nothing else.
I had all these great plans to go grocery shopping, to go to the driving range and hit a couple of balls, but as I ran to my car with my balloon twisting kit in hand, I dropped EVERYTHING and rushed home so I could practice making balloon animals. I know, I have heightened acuity for good priorities.
As I slipped my first balloon onto the balloon pump, the lip of my first balloon tore and I didn't think much of it. I probably just suck, right? Then, as I inflated a second balloon and began to twist, that balloon broke. Alright, so this is starting to suck. I think it's not just me. You're supposed to leave a 1/2 inch of balloon uninflated for every twist you're going to make, and either I had to leave a LOT of give for the balloons to not pop, or they would just kamikaze and pop anyway in all defiance of logic and physics.
I flew through maybe a dozen balloons, and only managed to create three creations without popping the balloon halfway.
So I pretty much want to punch the manufacturer of these balloons in the face. This kit is the kit that you get when you want to troll someone because you really want to discourage them from getting into making balloon animals, and their subsequent failure rate will demotivate them so thoroughly that they'll start having nightmares and lose all enthusiasm for life. As for me, I want to take a balloon swan, and send it to the manufacturer with a note that says, "This is for your mom's enormous vagina." But I can't because it'll probably pop as I try to put it in a shipping box anyway.
This product is so terribly fragile that my roommate came home and thought I was murdering a man with a gun from the sound of shots firing off in my room. It might be vaguely sufficient for practicing new balloon animals (with persistence and patience for a high fragility rate, but I did admittedly manage a 25% success rate), but don't use it for actual "performances" unless you're okay with making a lot of people deaf and angry from the balloons popping everywhere.
I just pray to the good lord almighty that whoever made these balloons never considers going into condom manufacturing, or else our overpopulation problem is going to get a hell of a lot more severe.
Just know that you'll soon see me walking the aisles of Party City or a similar bona fide party supply store, buying twist balloons that, this time, hopefully weren't produced by Satan and his brethren.