August 1, 2014
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the text
I'll be better when I'm older;
I'll be the biggest fan of your life.-- Edwin McCain, I'll Be
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"Love you, Christa."
-- "Love you too, man."
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Imagine that a person wakes up and finds a new message in her text inbox. She goes on about her day. She puts off reading her texts as she rushes to get to work. When she finally arrives at work, she checks her phone. Her latest text is a five-page rant from one of her close friends from high school. As she reads it, her heart sinks, "This text is a suicide note."
What goes through her mind now?
What would've gone through yours?
This is the way I spent my morning. This morning, I had to deal with this text. I had to deal with this question. What goes through my mind now? What do I do now?
First, I was stunned. I was in disbelief, and I still needed to let it sink in. Then, one piece of reflection finally made it all tumble down on me.
I thought, "Is he dead? Is he dead right now?" Realizing this as a real, tangible possibility shook me to my core.
I walked into my building, overcome by tears. I had a mental breakdown as I threw my things down onto my work desk. I texted him with no reply. I called him with no answer. The question kept haunting me. Is he dead? I was crying so much that I was having tunnel vision, and my hands shook so severely that it took five tries to pick up my phone and call the San Diego Suicide Prevention Hotline. Is he dead?
I wept as the hotline counselor inquired why I was calling.
"My friend," I trembled, "I think my friend just texted me his suicide note."
She told me her name was Lyn. Lyn reassured me, "Honey, you are doing the right thing. I need you to stay calm, but you do whatever you need to do, and I am right here with you."
My morning turned into a two-hour phone conversation with Lyn. She was incredible. I struggled to keep myself together, and she reassured, "I don't even know who you are, but I trust you."
I replied in my panic, "And I don't even know who you are, but I love you."
"Oh, honey," she said, "I love you, too. Now we're going to go on an adventure together. We're gonna find your friend and see if he's alright, okay?"
"Okay," I sniffled.
"Now, honey," Lyn told me, "I'm going to need you to do me a favor."
"Anything," I said.
"I need you to get a glass of water."
I laughed, "Okay!"
I came back, sipping my water, and told her how I truly felt, "This is the best goddamn cup of water I've ever had."
We laughed together. We were two strangers talking over the phone about a potential suicide, and we were laughing together.
I read her the text, and she agreed that it sounded like a suicide note. She decided to call the authorities to check if he's okay. I read the text to the dispatcher, too -- she also agreed that it was "a hell of a note." She told me that she would send someone to check on him. I thanked everyone.
It became the waiting game. I was there, at work, waiting to hear if my friend was alive or dead.
Then, I checked my phone.
Seeing who the caller was filled me with incredible relief, "Oh god, oh god! He's alive!"
I picked up, and we spoke in a mix of anger and love. I told him that I was so grateful that he was okay, but that he scared the shit out of me. I told him to not give me a heart attack like that again. We argued, but I didn't care. He was alive. I didn't know much, but I didn't care about that, either. It didn't matter. He was alive.
Lyn gave me a follow-up call. The worst was over, but I was still incredibly stressed. I just spent the first half of my workday thinking my high school friend was dead.
She told me, "I have to say. You are my favorite person I've ever talked to on this hotline. Who else laughs on a suicide hotline? You made my day, sugar. You are the reason I'm happy I came to work today."
I told her, "You made my day, too. You are the best thing that I could've ever asked for in a situation like this."
She said, "Do you mind taking a consumer survey to rate how satisfied you were with this conversation?"
I replied, "Is there a 'Hell Yeah' raiting?"
She laughed, "Oh, you are precious! Unfortunately, there's no 'Hell Yeah.' But you are just wonderful."
"You too, Lyn. You're awesome! Bye, thanks for everything."
"Bye, honey."
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Fuck. I can almost remember when the future used to look bright and I wasn't lying every single time I said, "I'm fine."