I am currently oscillating between euphoria and a panic attack.
I am transcribing it now, because I know that when I wake up in the morning, I will not believe myself. I must have been imagining things. What a fool.
These are the thoughts as they come. I am not asking you to be patient with me. I am sharing the reality of what I am experiencing.
I don't know how to explain it. When it started, I was not intoxicated. I was not in a hugely varied state of mind. I stared at my face in the mirror. Then became infuriated with death. The simplicity of it. The ferocity of it.
My faith has wavered in the past. I saw God once. I was twelve and I knelt before the Virgin Mary, and I saw God in her golden eyes. I wept.
I saw God a second time. It was last Tuesday. It's Tuesday now, isn't it? So it was a week ago today. God help me. God help me, I saw You in that boy's eyes. I'm not a woman of boundless faith, but God help me, when I looked into his eyes... Orange spessartite jewels framed by a halo of green tourmaline. The emerald kissed the citrine-hued hazel in gentle wisps, like the Northern Lights. Flecks of onyx traced his irises like a constellation. I have never seen eyes so beautiful in my life. When I looked into his eyes, I knew I was staring at the craftsmanship of God. Not a boy who I've ever kissed, not a boy who I've ever even embraced. Before, I did so little as to take a second glance at him. Now, I have dreamt of him everyday since. I don't know how to make the dreams stop. I am not angry for that.
Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God will come to know God because they know you.
Then, the contrast. Today, I looked in the mirror, and for a flash, I saw Death. I saw Death pierce into the hollows of my eyes.
Then here we were.
I let life occur in slow motion, then in blurs, then in skips and lag, all within half an hour. My mind precariously wandered between the hollows of Death and the gemstones of God.
Then here we were.
May the Lord rest my weary head.