and I don't need your deepest secrets
whisper in my ear
'cause I can hear your heart, your heart- James Bay, Hear Your Heart
-+-
Jacob asked me to come over to hang out with him and his friends. As I arrived, he was getting sleepy, and he held me as he fell asleep. His friends were still playing video games and watching Netflix. Should I... hang out with them? When I thought Jacob was satisfied and peacefully asleep, I stood up. In his drowsiness he seemed so flustered by the abrupt scarcity of Christa, and squeaked a sleepy, "Where are you goinngg?"
"Should I, like, entertain your friends?" I said.
Without opening his eyes, he excitedly and simply replied, "Stay with meee!"
This was the same guy who, when we first met, I thought was super aloof and mysterious. I thought he was 100% bad boy. I thought he was some antisocial guy with a beard.
So as I held him and slowly ran my fingers through his hair as he fell back asleep, I laughed at the irony --
underneath it all, he was adorable.
-+-
I'm starting to wish that I wrote sooner.
I wish I could've captured the exact moment that I drove down Rosecrans in tears, 'God, god, I miss him.' I wish I could go back and mentally photograph the way my heart leapt out of my chest whenever he gave me that look, that particular look with the soft smile and the even softer eyes. Even if I could just hold onto my reaction when he exclaimed how much he loved the honey that I gave him... man, that would've been somethin'.
Oh, if I could pluck those instances right out of time and write them here, I could've shared so much of me. I mean, I remember them, but now in a fond reminiscent way. The way that inspires a humble little smile and a nod, 'Oh, those were good times.' Had I written earlier, maybe you would've seen the crevices of my soul and the pulses of my heart. Oh, gosh. You would've seen me so in love.
That's not to say that I'm ungrateful for where my heart rests now. It took us some time and some tumultuous paths to get there, but I'm also glad for us as friends. He'll always be the first boy that said, "...but I still want us to be friends," and followed through. We've even gone to each other for relationship advice with other people, and we've never had to compromise how much we care about each other.
I couldn't remember the last time I laughed so much with someone. That's what ran through my mind nearly everyday that Jacob was in San Diego this summer. Moreover, being with him made me feel more than just infatuated or excited. I felt... safe. That, I haven't felt with another guy since long before Phuc and I ended. For me, that was exceptional. It wasn't even just when he rescued me from the party crowd of Pacific Beach in his new sleek car à la Batman, but it started way back. That was when I first knew he was special.
It's now been more than a year since Jacob and I met. The attachment comes and goes. I sometimes wonder about us, but it's really no wonder at all.
No matter what we are or what we'll become, we're two people that care for each other in a world full of souls.
It's not much, but here is a shard of that.
-+-
It's hard to imagine that when we first met, I thought we were so casual. I had been on the dating scene for a bit, and by the time I met Jacob, I had admittedly become jaded. By the time I spent a few days with Jacob, all I knew about him was the deep passion in his gaze, and the gravel in his voice. That's all I was expecting to ever know about him.
When he first asked me out to lunch, I was taken aback. 'Quality time? You don't ask some random bitch for quality time. wtf.' I remember being so nervous when I showed up to Sanford-Burnham for lunch the day after. I thought Jacob was way too cool to be asking me out to lunch. I recall our friend Juan Carlos coming to eat lunch with us, "I'm gonna be third wheel, I don't even careee!" I was honestly thankful that Juan Carlos butted in, just because I was so nervous about getting to know this handsome bearded man in the flannel shirt. I especially remember Jacob resting his palm on my knee as we listened to Juan Carlos share an anecdote, and thinking, '...this is kinda nice.'
I remember yelling at Juan Carlos, "You have to come with me! Oh god, this is going to be my first time alone with Jacob. Like, just the two of us. No other interns within a 20-minute radius." He replied, "So what?" and my heart pounded in my chest as I drove by myself to Point Loma. I was so fidgety and awkward at the start of dinner. I'll never know if Jacob noticed how sweaty my palms were during our first real date. I have no idea when we transitioned from that to what we became. To him being the boy worth fighting for. To him being my second love. All I know is that after a few weeks with Jacob, I couldn't wait to see him after work everyday. After a few weeks, I already knew that he was the best thing that had happened to me in a long, long time.
...
By our second summer, I now half-expected every hangout with Jacob to be a function of him and his many friends. Over the last few breaks, almost every time I rolled into his house after work, his friends were already there. I wasn't picky about it -- they were good company, and I wasn't particular or needy for alone-time with Jacob.
A few days into summer break, Jacob called me while I was eating dinner with Julie, "Come over when you're done!" When I arrived, I went upstairs, assuming that everyone was drinking in Jacob's room. Empty room. Hm. I went back downstairs, and I finally heard the TV playing. I walked into the family room, and Jacob was sitting on the couch watching TV. Just Jacob.
When he realized I arrived, he yelled, "Yayyy!"
I stood there, and I actually had to absorb for a second that it was just him and me. I didn't expect how excited I became at the sudden revelation that I had Jacob all to myself. I immediately ran to the couch, jumped onto a spot next to him, and snuggled into his shoulder. It was such a world away from when I used to be nervous about being alone with him.
"Aw, hi gurl!" he smiled. We watched TV, but for part of it, I just wanted to admire him. Every now and then, I was just in disbelief that he was really next to me.
He caught me staring at him and inquired, "What's up?" and I said, "Oops, sorry! I'm objectifying you!" He just chuckled, and pulled me in closer. I was so happy.
It was such a small evening, and it was such a small event in the two weeks that Jacob was in town. Regardless, that entire evening, I was truly delighted. I was having the time of my life.
Just from a moment next to him.
I have to say, that's something pretty special.