June 18, 2014
-
changes
This ain't love, it's clear to see...
but darling, stay with me.- Sam Smith, Stay With Me
-+-
-- "That just ain't me anymore."
So... this is what adulthood is like.
-+-
Daniel and I were sitting outside of Lestat's Coffee. I had my feet propped on another chair, my hands fumbling with my drink. He smiled, "You're like the sister I wish I had."
I wholly reciprocated the sentiment, "And you're a true bro, bro."
We basically had "Close Friends Boot Camp" over the last few weeks. When his fiancee recently broke off their engagement, I assured him that I'd be there for him. So here we were, laughing outside Lestat's Coffee.
After many hours of conversation, I was on my last sips of coffee. I mulled, "I'm finally pretty happy being single. I mean, I don't have to clean my room anymore! I think the prospect of not having to clean my room actually excites me more than the idea of not being single. That was actually the first thing I thought when Steven broke it off. I wasn't even mad. I just thought, 'My god, no more clean room, YES!' And that's when I finally felt like the single life ain't bad."
Daniel pondered this for a second before shrugging, "Well, your room is still tidier than mine."
I reached for another example to corroborate my claims, "Ahaha, and sometimes, when Steven asked me out on a date, I was like, 'Damn it, I can't go golfing because I have a date tonight!'"
Daniel replied, "See, that's weird. When I'm dating someone, I always really look forward to spending time with them, no matter how long I've been with them."
My turn to shrug. I answered, "I get it man, I mean, I still had butterflies with Phuc after dating for five years. And Steven and I didn't really date, we just went on dates. But yeah, if I really like someone, that's different."
I looked through my mind for more examples. I didn't have to look far.
I quickly continued, "Like, when Jacob was in town. I didn't golf, I didn't go to the gym, I didn't even go home. I really didn't give a shit if it meant I got to hang out with Jacob."
Daniel chuckled, "So if you disappear off the face of the earth for a week or two, I should just assume Jacob's in town."
I replied, "Ha! Wouldn't be a bad gamble."
My mind flashed to when Jacob gave me relationship advice back in January, and he told me, "If I really like someone, I don't let anything get in my way to spend time with them." I suddenly remembered us holding hands as we carpooled to work together almost every morning, even if he would finish work hours before me. I remembered us both leaving work early and eating tacos on Sunset Cliffs Blvd., watching the waves beat against the shore. I remembered how his demeanor was so rough around the edges, but then he shyly and gently whispered, "Sit close to me?"
I got into Daniel's car, announcing, "I think Jacob ruined me."
As his engine turned, he curiously inquired, "How so?"
"I mean," I elaborated, "sure, I've dated a lot, but I don't really have interest in dating around anymore. I mean, the three guys I dated after Jacob didn't work out for different reasons, but it wasn't like it was ever because I was just seeking out flings and short-term dating. I don't think I can want that anymore. I think being with Jacob set the bar too high, and now I don't enjoy casual dating as much anymore."
Daniel noted as he sped down the freeway, "That's actually kind of cute."
I leaned against the headrest of my seat. I was short on words, and the night was getting late. So, I just responded with a simple, "Lel."
-+-
I read over the message again. "I'm looking for something more fun and casual." I stared at it for about a minute. Then, I deleted the phone number.
...
That just ain't me anymore.