March 24, 2014
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"right now"
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind- Sufjan Stevens, Chicago
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When Jacob came back for Spring Break, he was still that lovable asshole that I remember, but with a bigger beard. He was ripping on me when a girl exclaims defensively, "You're so mean to her!"
Jacob replied, "Oh, she doesn't mind, she knows I'm just kidding."
She turned to me, hoping to get my input, clearly expecting me to vent some sort of quiet distress, "Is that really true?"
I turned to Jacob, straight-faced, "Actually, you've just been slowly eating away at my self-esteem this entire time."
I stare at him long enough that his eyes shed a flicker of worry. Then I start giggling, and we both break out in wholehearted laughter. And after all those years of depression and those years of recovery, that was actually the moment that I decided, 'Aha, so I guess my self-esteem is actually pretty A-OK now, isn't it?'
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Lately, I haven't been as happy as I'd like to be. It's a hard thing to admit, but if admission going to happen anywhere, it's going to be here. I'm sure that with some hindsight, it doesn't really come as a surprise. Underneath it all, people are social creatures. Loneliness has an incredible effect on a human being.
This is a morbid viewpoint, but loneliness was actually a lot easier when I had depression. It's easier to accept defeat when you've already thrown in the towel. The loss of hope made it acceptable to stop trying; having hope is synonymous with resilience, and that actually makes things more challenging. When wielding the determination to keep pushing on, it's a far greater task to resist the weight of an avalanche than to succumb to it.
As a working adult in a big city, my attempts to make friends have ranged from starting conversations at bars and coffee shops to meeting people from various online venues -- I've been shy with the confession, but in hopes to make friends, I've met with people from Meetup, OkCupid, and craigslist alike, all with varying success. I've solicited my co-workers to friendly dinners outside of lab, and of course, I've reconnected and maintained contact with friends from undergrad that happen to be living in San Diego. The latter has been my greater triumph. For months, I was satisfied with only spending time with undergrad friends and co-workers. It was enough to keep a girl from going crazy. However, a few months ago, my few friends in town were MIA with illness and travel, and I had to become far more comfortable in my solitude.
For a while, I managed well. However, I hit my breaking point at the San Diego Contemporary Museum of Art. Since then, for most of the last month, my giggles were punctuated with a sullen dissatisfaction. Everything touched by sunlight was covered with a film of despondence. For more than a month, all I craved was a decent conversation... and actually, I did get that, numerous times. I've met a variety of characters across a wide realm of people. Yet, my situation never changed. Except for brief periods (i.e. lunch with lab, dinners with Julie, a visit from Jacob), I continually felt dissatisfied. I still felt lonely. I never seemed to be achieving what I was hoping for, despite spending so many dinners in someone else's company. I would consistently fail to follow through with a second meeting, because nothing seemed to ever change anything. I just never felt content. I always felt so reprehensibly alone.
To make additional moves towards alleviating my unhappiness, I started the 100 Happy Days! challenge on my Instagram, which consists of posting one happy thing a day for 100 consecutive days. I tell people a variety of reasons of why I'm doing it. I tell them it's out of solidarity with my sister who is undertaking it with me, or I tell them that it's all for the free booklet you get at the end of it if you complete it successfully. In reality, I'm doing it for its anecdotal benefits of mood improvement and improved mental health. I started it because I wasn't happy and I wanted to be.
While I was the midst of this 100 Happy Days! mission, I sat in front of my on-call lab building that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. I was sipping a cup of hot coffee, about to use a photo of my amazing view as my happy moment of the day. Then, I heard a booming voice behind me. I recognized the voice instantly. Alex. I overheard that he was having a bad day, and I afterwards texted him, "You were the loudest person on this patio," and I extended my sympathy towards his failed mouse experiment. Towards the end of my workday, I followed with, "This text is a coupon for free coffee on me, whenever."
He replied, "Right now."
With that, I left work, and I got on the next shuttle to his building. We ended up enjoying a beer together during his one-hour bacterial incubation period. "Christa, how's life?" he eventually asked, "It's been a while."
"A month and a half," I smiled.
"What? No way, it's only been three weeks, at most," Alex stared in disbelief, "although I do have a bad perception of time."
I let him think that it's been three weeks. In reality, I've all but counted the days.
We spent a lot of time laughing. The hour came and went, and he offered to drive me to my car. For the length of that beer and that car ride, I felt it again. I felt that spark, and even though the sky was overcast, colors seemed beautiful and saturated. As he sang along to his car radio, taking me on the scenic route along the La Jolla vista, I felt content. Of course, I asked Alex to be the highlight of my day for my 100 Happy Days! project. In the resulting photo, he's a blur of a thing, booping me on my nose. Absolutely perfect.
A few days have passed since then, and many more happy moments, but everything keeps taking my mind back to that boop on the nose.
It hit me like a baseball bat when I came to the realization that my insatiable loneliness is so much more simple and juvenile than I led myself to believe.
I'm just a girl that misses a boy.
The revelation was asinine but incredibly refreshing. I felt dumb from its simplicity, but I also felt free. I’m taking forever to get over him, and that makes me incredibly sad and frustrated. However, it’s not a permeating emptiness that contributes to my identity. With that single epiphany, I retracted from "lonely" to just "alone." That was an incredible start. Without the desperation of lonesomeness, my shy cries for help quelled almost immediately. I ducked out of my superfluous involvement in meet-up websites, where I was grasping at every straw for a friend, and then rejecting every offer for one.
The answer was slow to come, but I’m finally managing my way to it. After that leap of a first step, my mind is so much less fixated on unhappiness. Rather than focusing on my Have-Nots, I’m starting to shift my attention to my Haves. I’m starting to see my sadness with a new perspective. I’m spending so much time looking for a social life that I’ve neglected myself entirely. What’s that old saying? You have to love yourself before others can love you. Something cheesy like that.
Instead of focusing outwards, longing for dependency, I’m finally making strides to focus inwards. Instead of sitting in various coffee shops constantly forcing small talk, I’ve decided to pursue my adolescent interests with golf, and I registered for golfing classes (for which I am MEGA excited about). While I was incessantly fishing for random faces, I was losing touch with my current friends and connections. Instead of spending my evenings lethargically wishing I wasn’t so alone, I agreed to join a coed social sport with an old friend. Instead of running through new potential companions at a mile a minute, I’m finally sending messages of, “It’s been a while since we’ve talked! How have you been?”
Dammit all, I’m living in America’s Finest City, and I’ve squandered it by focusing on how pitiful I am.
well then, SELF-PITY NO MOAR!
HUAH!!
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Me: Eep I saw Alex
Me: We had a beer together
Jacob: orly
Jacob: how was that
[…]
Me: So we chatted the whole hour and he even drove me to my car
Me: So it was rly nice
Me: Like too nice
Me: I’m so pissed that he’s so likeable
Jacob: whatever im better
Me: LOLAfter mentioning the above Facebook conversation to my sister, she simply goes, “I like Jacob. He’s cool. He has no tact. It's awesome.”
Man, I like my loved ones.