August 12, 2013

  • the words you won't hear

    SO XANGA GOT FUNDING SO SCREW SWITCHING TO TUMBLR LAWL

    basically, i "switched" to tumblr and haven't blogged ONCE since then because it felt so lame compared to posting here.

    LAWLLWLWALWLALWLALWLALWL 

    xanga, we are officially an on-and-off couple

    my god

    -+-

    You bite my lip!
    You spike my blood!
    You make my heart beat faster!

    - Matt Nathanson, Faster

    -+-

    "You should tell everyone about what a rugged stud I am."
    -- "I'm just gonna spread word about how you're the sweetest guy around!  I'm going to tell them about all the nice things you do for me and just ramble about what a softie you are."
    "NOoooooOooo, you're evil!!"

    -+-

    I won’t tell you these things, because it’ll get me too attached.

    It would make things even worse, because I already can’t take my eyes off you while we’re driving down Rosecrans to get to the I-5. I already like it when we’re stuck in rush hour traffic, because I like how you play dark techno while cursing at inferior drivers on the road. I already like feeding you bagels or oatmeal during our late morning commute, while you tailgate all the BMWs and provide deep explanations on how American cars are for chumps. I even like the leap in my chest when you dangerously wind through traffic, because even when I feel near-death as you drift around the corner, I still feel safe with you. I even like the quiet moments, where we silently hold hands on the armrest and you’ve forgotten to plug in your music. Ever so rarely, you’ll sneak glances away from traffic, just so we can share a fond smile with each other. And every single time, you never stop being easy on the eyes.

    It would make things even worse, because I already like the way we talk about dopamine receptors while getting ready for work in the morning. I already like it when you show me how you trace dendrite branching, and I like it even more when we take breaks from work to take long walks around the lab complex and take naps outside your building. I already like every time I meet with you to get lunch, and you always sneak up behind me at the Sanford-Burnham Cafeteria to surprise me, making me shriek and attract all the stares. That’s okay, because when you give me a big hug hello to make up for scaring me, I already can’t think of anything else but how lucky I am to get to see you between all my protocols.

    It would make things worse, because I already like the way you grab me by the waist and tell me, "Man, you're falling for me, Christa."  I already like it when we spend hours just staring into each other’s eyes. I already like it when you softly reach for my hand, only to surprise tickle me when I'm not expecting it. I already like it when you call me a dork, or when you call me babycakes, but nothing tops how much I gush when you call me your girl.

    I only have you for less than two more weeks, but these last two months with you? It’s been the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time. I can’t top how happy I felt as we zipped across the sky above the San Diego Zoo, or every single time your face completely lights up when we first see each other after a long day of work. I can’t top how fulfilling it is to wake up next to you every morning, and fall asleep next to you every night.

    When I left Merced, I left the only place that I called “home.”

    I won’t tell you these things, but leaving work every day and getting to be next to you, in your room – right now, that’s the closest thing I have to “home.”

    “Will you miss me?”

    I know I’ll be absolutely heartbroken when you leave, but it’ll be worth it, because I was able to spend the last two months feeling like the luckiest girl alive.  I cry every time we even mention the fact that you have to leave, and I'm sure it won't get any easier as these next two weeks quickly count down.

    - "Yeahhhhh, maybe.  What about you?  When you fly away, will you go, 'K whatever bitch, bye'?"
    "...WHAT"

    Still in shock by my playful proposition, you gesture for me to stand next to you, and you pull me close.  You hold my cheek in your hand, and you get so sincere.

    "You know I'll miss you."

    As you softly kiss me, I blink away the imminent tears.

    -- "I'll miss you, too."

    But I won't tell you these things, because it'll get me too attached.

    because CLEARLY i'm not attached

    cough