Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

- Passenger, Let Her Go

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Since Jacob left, I've been sporadically texting Jacob pictures of me with his cat.  Since then, my visits with Mambo the Kitten have been among the highlights of my daily schedule.

Observe:

"You and Mambo are beautiful!"

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I’m now here, writing this while sitting on Jacob’s bed, without a Jacob next to me.

Since dropping him off at the airport early Saturday morning, life has been a little surreal.  I feel like I just woke up from a dream that I’ve been at Disneyland for the last two months – like I’m coming back down from a magical vacation, where life was concentrated whimsy.  But as seasons always do, summer had to come to an end.  When I’m driving down alone on the freeway, I have flashes of sitting next to him while he flies through traffic.  While getting ready to start my day, I suddenly have the vivid image of him brushing his teeth in the reflection of the bathroom mirror.  And now, sitting on his bed, it is unreal to turn around and see that he’s not lying here, with me.

On the list of emotional goodbyes, our last day of summer definitely makes it pretty high on the list.  I do realize that eventually, time will stop feeling so slow and days will stop feeling so long.  But as far as fresh goodbyes go, well…

Man, I really miss that boy right now.

But aside from my pouting, I also wanted to make sure I could document my memories of our last day.  It'll be a bland read - not a lot of spark or charisma, just the nitty-gritty episodic memory.

Our last day started simple.  I went with him to a haircut appointment, and we had lunch together before he dropped me off at work.  Outside of remembering that this would be the last time Jacob drove me to Scripps this summer, the day was almost average.  I left work early, and the day felt ordinary until I started walking down the stairs to meet with Jacob outside my building.  As my shoes clicked along the laminate floor, I realized that once Jacob picked me up, the countdown would be really starting.  I already started tearing up -- bad foreshadowing for the rest of the day.  But still, when I hopped into the Big Lexus and saw his handsome mug again, I couldn't help but smile so big!

We took an afternoon nap together so that we could sleep next to each other one last time.  I cried big when we were falling asleep, and again soon after waking up.  "I'm sorry, I'm so sentimental!" I would pout, but he was always reassuring me, "It's okay, babe.  This isn't the last day, we'll see each other again!"  I still remember how warm he felt as he spooned me, and how comfortable it was when he wrapped his arms around me.  "You don't need a pillow!  This is your pillow," he'd say while guiding my head to the nook of his arm.

We woke up in time for his goodbye dinner, and I went out for sushi with Jacob and his parents!  Every time I have sushi with them is the best, most enjoyable sushi of my life!  But there were some special highlights in our goodbye dinner for Jacob.  Like when we were driving there - I sat shotgun to keep Jacob's mom company, fighting his sad pout as he wanted me to sit next to him.  He moved in the backseat so that he would be sitting directly behind me, and spent the entire drive with his arms wrapped around me.  At dinner, his dad took pictures of us, and his mom asked her son, "Jacob, do you remember when you said you weren't into Asian girls?"  I giggle, completely tickled.  She turns to me, "You're the one that broke it!"

Jacob puts his arm around my shoulder, "But Christa is especially cute!"

She laughs, "That's true, she is cute."

When dinner is over, Jacob's mom offers that he and I drive on our own back to the house.  "I know that this is your last night with Jacob," she tells me.  When I tell Jacob, "Dude, your mom totally just had us have alone time together," he replies, "My god, it's like she's a person!"

We get back to the house, and Jacob and I spend time watching Burn Notice, and just chatting and appreciating each other.  We go to the store one last time, when Jacob admits, "I'm getting really emotional right now.  Christa, why did you get me so attached to you?"  Every now and then, I ask him how he is, and he would hold me and reply, "I don't know, I just really want you to come with me to Georgia right now."  At around 3 AM, we decide to watch one more episode of Burn Notice, and I sob during the opening credits, realizing that this was the last thing I would get to do with Jacob this summer.  "It's okay, baby," he strokes my hair, "don't cry."  After the episode, I cry again as Jacob spoons me, and we get to sleep next to each other again.

We wake up at 4:45 a.m. - 15 minutes before he's supposed to leave for the airport.  Suddenly, his leaving crashes down on both of us, and it gets so real.  Our eyes well up all morning, and he holds me throughout the short drive to the airport.

"We're already here?" I sadly say.

"I know, the drive is too short," he replies, never breaking his embrace.

As we walk Jacob to the terminal, Jacob and I have our last hug of summer - the one we spend so much time dreading.  We hold each other tightly, and he whispers to me, "This isn't goodbye, Christa.  You're a special girl, and I had an amazing summer with you."

His dad tells us that Jacob has to go, and we finally let go before he walked away.  I looked at him fondly as I went down the escalator, and played our last day through my head on repeat as his dad drove me back to Point Loma.  I went back to bed, and texted Jacob, "I'll stay up to text you until you board the plane, is that ok?" with my favorite reply being, "Through the windows on the baording ramp, I could see Point Loma and tried to figure out where you are."

As the plane took off, he reminded me how special I am to him before turning off his phone.

That concluded our last day of summer together, and for the first time in what felt like forever, I fell asleep, without a Jacob holding me.

http://smg.photobucket.com/user/orangeyoh/media/00025-1.mp4.html

Documenting my memories with Jacob through a multimedia experience!

His mom loaned me her camcorder, requesting that I record her son's final presentation for our internship, as his parents couldn't attend.  I promptly started a riot to document memories!  I started by testing out the camcorder and got this gem -- the amazingly awkward recording of narrating Jacob as he brushes his teeth.

I am getting so sentimental as Saturday comes closer!

Oh I, I am not the one who preys...
So why, why am I the one to praise?

- Vienna Teng, In the 99

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"You're my Asian honey!"

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I mean, of course there are plenty of things that happened this summer, each event worth writing about.

I could write about lab, and how it’s both the same and very different from last year. How the people are the same, but the attitudes and the dynamic feels strange and new. Some people are more pessimistic, some are more reserved, and some are more affable than I remember from last year. I could write about my television experience, where I hung out at Morgan Freeman’s house and starred as an extra in an upcoming episode of Through the Wormhole. I could write about my interns, and share my memories about them – my responsibilities as the Senior Intern, my opinions on the Young Old People and their cheese & wine parties, or my absolute love for the guys in Apartment #935. I could even write about up north, with stories of lost affections, richer friendships, and teary visits with family.

But at the end of the day, there’s only one big thing on my mind that truly craves the permanence of writing.

In fact, he’s been the biggest thing on my mind at the end of every day for the last two months.

His name is Jacob.

No frills of pseudomystery, no cryptic references, no silly secret nicknames like “ghost,” or “catfish.” Simply -- his name is Jacob, and he’s the kind of person that deserves more than subtlety and secrecy, more than shyness and restraint.

I’ll warn you properly that these are the words of a girl that’s head over heels, but I’ll shamelessly disgust you all the same.

He has beautiful gray eyes, and he’s overcome my adverse attitudes towards men with facial hair. I love running my fingers through his short, light brown hair – though not nearly as much as I adore the way his eyes wrinkle when he laughs.

Yet, if you told me a few months ago that I would meet someone this summer, I would’ve kicked myself, assuming that I must’ve become that girl with some random summer fling. I would’ve hit myself for letting myself fall into something so shallow and frivolous.

But instead, my life is a Sarah Dessen novel -- somehow, in the concise, transient timeframe of summer, something amazing comes along.  My God, I’m Colie from Keeping the Moon. I am the protagonist of my favorite book.

Except my self-esteem is way better than Colie’s. I mean, come on. I’m pretty cute.

(lol I’m not really that narcissistic)

(but srsly I’m pretty cute)

In fact, Jacob even kind of reminds me of Norman from Keeping the Moon – although, Jacob is probably more rugged. Nonetheless, like Norman said to Colie, “You should never be surprised when someone treats you with respect, you should expect it,” that’s the attitude that Jacob confers to me. There’s something special about the way that Jacob will find random times to turn to me and quietly whisper, “You’re beautiful.” Being with him makes me realize just how well I deserve to be treated, because he never ceases to spoil me and work hard for me.

We met by circumstance – he was simply the new intern, and I was the polite senior intern that welcomed him into the program. I shook his hand when he walked into the room, and it was so simple. We both thought so little of it, but it wasn’t long before our eye contact would linger a little too long, and all of his jokes would make me laugh a little too much. And it wasn’t much longer after that when we would sit next to each other in the heat of a bonfire, and he would lean in to kiss me.

We quickly became a fixture of the summer. After a history of trysts and quiet rendezvous, it initially took me aback when Jacob very proudly held me around the waist around the other interns. He would even spend time showing me off to his friends, making me feel like his trophy girl. I would have dinner with his family, and he would have lunch with mine. My nervous first date jitters would evolve into content smiles, and my shyness for PDA would grow into excitement for every opportunity to hug him midstride as we walked down the sidewalk.

However, we have our heads in the game, and while summer is awesome, we realize that it would be best to stay friends after he flies across the country for his undergraduate education. (Yes, oo la la – a younger man!) I’m definitely at that leg of the journey where I’m growing increasingly sentimental, and I know it’s not going to get any easier.

Yet, I do know that this summer has been special enough to me that I want to look back and fondly remember it as I read and reflect on my experiences and my giddy schoolgirl butterflies.

We have until Saturday early morning that he leaves for undergrad, and we’re trying to make the most out of every heartbeat until then.

With that, I'll depart for now!  I have a cute date

....a date with science

...i have to count cells

T_T

SO XANGA GOT FUNDING SO SCREW SWITCHING TO TUMBLR LAWL

basically, i "switched" to tumblr and haven't blogged ONCE since then because it felt so lame compared to posting here.

LAWLLWLWALWLALWLALWLALWL 

xanga, we are officially an on-and-off couple

my god

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You bite my lip!
You spike my blood!
You make my heart beat faster!

- Matt Nathanson, Faster

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"You should tell everyone about what a rugged stud I am."
-- "I'm just gonna spread word about how you're the sweetest guy around!  I'm going to tell them about all the nice things you do for me and just ramble about what a softie you are."
"NOoooooOooo, you're evil!!"

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I won’t tell you these things, because it’ll get me too attached.

It would make things even worse, because I already can’t take my eyes off you while we’re driving down Rosecrans to get to the I-5. I already like it when we’re stuck in rush hour traffic, because I like how you play dark techno while cursing at inferior drivers on the road. I already like feeding you bagels or oatmeal during our late morning commute, while you tailgate all the BMWs and provide deep explanations on how American cars are for chumps. I even like the leap in my chest when you dangerously wind through traffic, because even when I feel near-death as you drift around the corner, I still feel safe with you. I even like the quiet moments, where we silently hold hands on the armrest and you’ve forgotten to plug in your music. Ever so rarely, you’ll sneak glances away from traffic, just so we can share a fond smile with each other. And every single time, you never stop being easy on the eyes.

It would make things even worse, because I already like the way we talk about dopamine receptors while getting ready for work in the morning. I already like it when you show me how you trace dendrite branching, and I like it even more when we take breaks from work to take long walks around the lab complex and take naps outside your building. I already like every time I meet with you to get lunch, and you always sneak up behind me at the Sanford-Burnham Cafeteria to surprise me, making me shriek and attract all the stares. That’s okay, because when you give me a big hug hello to make up for scaring me, I already can’t think of anything else but how lucky I am to get to see you between all my protocols.

It would make things worse, because I already like the way you grab me by the waist and tell me, "Man, you're falling for me, Christa."  I already like it when we spend hours just staring into each other’s eyes. I already like it when you softly reach for my hand, only to surprise tickle me when I'm not expecting it. I already like it when you call me a dork, or when you call me babycakes, but nothing tops how much I gush when you call me your girl.

I only have you for less than two more weeks, but these last two months with you? It’s been the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time. I can’t top how happy I felt as we zipped across the sky above the San Diego Zoo, or every single time your face completely lights up when we first see each other after a long day of work. I can’t top how fulfilling it is to wake up next to you every morning, and fall asleep next to you every night.

When I left Merced, I left the only place that I called “home.”

I won’t tell you these things, but leaving work every day and getting to be next to you, in your room – right now, that’s the closest thing I have to “home.”

“Will you miss me?”

I know I’ll be absolutely heartbroken when you leave, but it’ll be worth it, because I was able to spend the last two months feeling like the luckiest girl alive.  I cry every time we even mention the fact that you have to leave, and I'm sure it won't get any easier as these next two weeks quickly count down.

- "Yeahhhhh, maybe.  What about you?  When you fly away, will you go, 'K whatever bitch, bye'?"
"...WHAT"

Still in shock by my playful proposition, you gesture for me to stand next to you, and you pull me close.  You hold my cheek in your hand, and you get so sincere.

"You know I'll miss you."

As you softly kiss me, I blink away the imminent tears.

-- "I'll miss you, too."

But I won't tell you these things, because it'll get me too attached.

because CLEARLY i'm not attached

cough