Desire is my masquerade;
want you,
I never will.

- Vienna Teng, Unwritten Letter No. 1

-+-

I'm going through that phase again where my thoughts sound like blog posts, and I know that I'm overdue to write again.  They almost always start with some hook that I would think sounds intellectual and cool, something faux-philosophical that usually makes me sound more like a cliché, amateur poet.  

An example is where I stare outside the passenger window, admiring the trees, and think phrases like,

'This may be pretty bold of me to say, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that in some alternate universe, there's a version of you and a version of me that's very happy together.'

Yeah.  Yeah, that sounds pretty cool.

'There's a version of you that ends up at a university less than ten minutes away from me.  We watch the same sunset behind the Pacific Ocean, and we complain about the same June Gloom.  We're busy pursuing our respective careers, but after we're done settling into our respective grooves, we still try to catch up every now and then, meeting for lunch or dinner.  We take time to mature, and to grow into our own skin.  

Then, we realize that we're not waiting for the clock to run out anymore.  It's no longer a matter of weeks, but a matter of years.  At some cheesy romantic moment, whether it's when we watch the sunset side-by-side or simply when we're waiting at our table for the restaurant to cook our ramen, we verbalize our mutual realization that we're worth giving this a shot.'

I get distracted when I awe at the cows standing along the meadow, and giggle when one of them seems to stare at me.

I hear your voice next to me, "You're such a spaz."

I then submit to another daydream.  I continue reflecting à la blog,

'Someday, I won't be hearing you say that on a daily basis anymore.  Isn't that such a strange thing to realize?

Because this version of you, the one sitting next to me right now, is not the version that ends up at a university less than ten minutes away from me.  You'll experience a different June than mine, with its own weathers and seasons, and you'll be waiting with someone else for your delicious orders of ramen.  What is a matter of weeks is simply a matter of weeks.

But if I were to think about the other version of you, and the other version of me, I'd simply think, Good for them.'

You park your car, and I take a moment to show you the bruise that I got from running into a sink.

I whine, "i gots a bruisies nyeh"

Without hesitation, you punch my bruise and laugh.

'Yes, I say, Good for them.  But honestly, I'll be okay if we never meet those other versions of us.  All I truly hope for is that we can always stay like this, and that time can nourish what we have now.  I like these versions of us.  After all, this version of you and this version of me.. it sure ain't bad.'

I stand there whining as you start walking ahead of me.  You call, "C'mon, spaz."  It's my turn to laugh, chasing after you.

'Ain't bad at all.'

a little more action, please
all this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
a little more bite and a little less bark
a little less fight and a little more spark
close your mouth and open up your heart and baby,
satisfy me
satisfy me, baby

- Elvis Presley, A Little Less Conversation

-+- 

I stare out the passenger car window, letting the sun gently kiss my cheek.

I think about my life, and I think about how nice it is that I don't know you anymore.

People still ask me how you're doing, and I say I don't know, which is true. But I'll admit, I do wonder, too. People ask me if I've heard from you, and yes, I do just tell them about when I last heard from you. I tell them how long it's been, and they nod their heads.

The story ought to end there, but nostalgia is both wonderful and cruel, and I experience the bittersweet tang of memory whenever I hear your name.  But, even more so, whenever I encounter the same fragrance that I used to love so fondly on your clothes, your skin, your bed.  If I close my eyes, I'm there again.

But, that was then and there, and that was left then and there.

I'm glad for that.

Yet, I look at the people around me, and wonder if this will happen again?  If someday, in the future, I'll be glad to not know them anymore?  I hope to god not.  I hope I've learned better by now.  Who knows if I've passed my stage as a fledgling yet?  I've gotten myself into too many messes by exaggerating my progress and getting too caught up in how whimsical the world should be, rather than how much it actually is.

Hmm, I at least feel wiser now.  Well... I'm glad for that, too.

-+-

Just a little update for just a little amount of free time. 

I always want to come back more often, though.  I always want to write more, but w-w-w-writer's block! Blogger's block?

Anyway, see you soon (hopefully)!