But please don't go, I love you so, my lovely,
please don't go, please don't go, I love you so, I love you so,
please don't go, please don't go, I love you so, I love you so.
- Alt-J, Breezeblocks
-+-
I tried to grip the zipper of my pencil case between my fingers, but I was too weak to open it.
This happened to me two years ago. I couldn't maintain a grip, and the weakness shocked me so much that it paralyzed me. Two years ago, I shook in uncontrollable tears, and forbade Phuc from touching me in comfort. I was so ashamed at how feeble I was. How useless I was. I was so useless.
This time, when I realized that I could not open my pencil case, I turned to my left and asked my friend, "Can you open this for me?"
Hesitantly, he nudged it slightly open, but upon realizing that there was nothing wrong with the zipper, he thought I was pranking him, and stopped. But he opened it enough that though I was too weak to grip the zipper, I could fit my index finger in the new opening and instead dragged the zipper open the rest of the way. I proceeded with taking notes for class, and halfway through class, recovered the strength to close my pencil case. I cheered quietly.
Damn, son.
I'm definitely going to be okay.
-+-
Was it this hard the first time?
I tell myself, I'll get through this, no problem, I've gotten through this before. But was it this hard the first time?
I'm going to get through this, but in the interim, it's not like it's a bundle of fun, sitting on the floor of my bedroom and crying until I'm shaking and clutching my head in my hands. I initially laughed when they jokingly told me that I was going to get depressed when I got back to Merced. Now here I am, in this place, again. The only difference is that this time, I'm crying in a cuter dress, I'm ruining nicer mascara, and I have a delicious craft beer in the left hand.
I couldn't remember how I got through it last time. Life has awkward timing, and this is happening in the brief moment that I don't really have anyone to talk to. I couldn't remember how I got through it last time. Until I did. Last time, I wrote. I wrote, I wrote, and I wrote.
But hyperbole aside, there is actually a lot of difference this time. I am in this trouble as an optimistic person. It doesn't seem like it, but I am. I will get better. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. But until then, this is an intensely unpleasant experience. I've been lightheaded more than I haven't. I have lost focus more than I've retained. This is unlike me. But I know who I am, and I know that I'm not this. I know the hoops of logical fallacy, and I know how to keep myself grounded. I've done this before, and I'm so much better for that. I know how to get out of this, and I know that I will get out of this. It's just going to suck until then.
I do not know what triggered, but something did.
I hate that word. Triggered. It reminds me of rope and breathlessness... it reminds me of the first time I triggered.
Ha. I wanted to write with more reality and truth. Ironic, isn't it? I'll keep the cat in the bag when it comes to shit stories like boy problems, but I don't care when it comes to something as heavy as depression. With depression, my priority is getting better. But even though I will reach for the word "depression" because there are many overlaps in symptoms, it would probably be more accurate to assess this as the recovery from my panic attack at school. Either way, I will go through hell and high water to get better, because, well, fuck that shit.
I am actually trying to ride on the real possibility that I'm just super PMSing. I've never been one to have emotional symptoms when I PMS (TMI but srsly who cares), but some months, I cramp more than other months. Maybe that applies to emotional symptoms? And I'm just having a more balls to the walls month when most other months, I am affected very little. Lol if I come back in a week and everything is somehow just suddenly super gravy awesome.
I really hope this resolves soon. I want to go back to studying. 
I haven't been able to maintain focus the past few days. Studying has been an impossibility. I am less than a week into school, and am already falling behind in my classes. This time, however, I give a shit about that. I'm gonna go places. This time, I know that. This sucks right now, but I know that it's only for right now.
but it still sucks
suckkkkkkkkkkkkksssssssss
(((((((((