August 27, 2012

• Just had a panic attack in the library.  All of the sounds got too loud and overwhelming.  Suddenly I hated all of the faces and all of the voices and everything was suddenly too much.  I bought an iced chai tea in comfort.  But then I hated all the faces there, too.  I was so overwhelmed.  I didn't want to be here.  The eye contact sent my heart pounding.  My head was light.  I went outside.  Fresh air will do me good, I told myself.  The dizziness didn't stop.  There were so many people outside.  I didn't want to be here.

  I stared at the bus schedule.  I wanted to leave.  I still want to leave, but I have class in two hours.  I decided that instead of going home, I had two hours to get my shit together.  I have two hours to get my shit together.  I have two hours to get my shit together.

  I'm in the outskirts of campus right now.  Just the sound of little murmurs and the whirring of a lawnmower tracing the grooves of the quad.  I'm going to admit.  I'm a little scared of going back there.  Back to the library.  With all the people.  I don't know if I want to go back there.  This is really difficult.  I don't understand why I'm dealing with this.  I don't understand why this is happening to me.  I just can't handle it right now.  I don't want to go back there.  I'm so scared of going back there.

  I couldn't find a place outside where there were no people and I wanted to cry.  I found a bench that seemed quiet enough and that's where I am now.  I got to catch it before I started crying.  But I came really close.

  I don't know why I'm so scared.  But I'm so scared.  I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back.  It's too much.  I don't understand WHY it's too much.  But suddenly, at this one moment, it is.  And I'm terrified.  I'll figure it out later.  First, I need to get through this.  That comes first.  That comes first.  I have two hours to get my shit together.

  God, see me through this.

  • 4:08 pm
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