I go crazy wondering what there is to really see.
Did the night just take up your time? 'Cause it means more to me.
Sometimes I forget what I'm doing, I don't forget what I want;
Regret what I've done, regret you? I couldn't go on!
And if you insist on knowing my bliss,
I'll tell you this...

- Hall & Oates, Kiss On My List

-+-

-- "Ooo, I've never had to do a Western Blot."
"Yeah, we'll be doing a lot of those."
- "Hey, you know who does a lot of Westerns? … John Wayne."
-- [erupts in laughter] "I'm so tickled by that!"
- "ME TOO"

-+-

From the morning of August 29th -- the day after my panic attack:

"Really?" I muttered with frustration. 

I had forgotten about the crying spells. 

I had just finished washing my face as part of my morning routine, and was patting my face dry with my bath towel.  As I tried to dry my face, the cloth lingered in my hands, and I was abruptly overtaken by sobs.  I stood there and cried into my towel.

Again, while I was changing clothes, getting ready for school.  I fell to my floor and started crying.  That happened twice while I was trying to get dressed in my room.

Once more, while I was cooking breakfast.  Eggs.  I had the familiar lack of appetite, but knew that I had to eat.  I managed to eat half, and had to throw the rest away.

I've never seen myself at such an acute dichotomy.  I have been able to keep myself rational.  I've been able to keep myself sound.  So in a way, it's like before, yet not at all.  I don't hate myself.  I don't find life hopeless or meaningless. 

Yet, being able to keep my thoughts grounded has been making this situation even more frustrating.  It makes it more of a puzzle, and I don't need puzzles right now.  I just need to get out of this.

-+-

From afternoon of today, August 30th:

When you really think about it, this is amazing!

From where I'm sitting, I can see the entire horizon.  There are actually fields and trees as far as the eye can see.  You can't get that just anywhere.  Where you can see the distant horizon like this.  This is beautiful!  Sometimes it's so easy to hate on this university because of its lack of legacy, but my goodness.  You can't get a sight like this just anywhere.

-+-

And from right now -- evening of August 30th:

Holy shit.  I can't believe that all of that crazy stuff happened.

It's funny to say, but I'm actually extraordinarily glad for my old history with depression.  In this rare occurrence of acute panic and anxiety, I knew exactly what to do.  I know how to handle it, and how to handle myself.  I knew how to approach it, and how to fix it.  I knew how to keep it under control and at bay.  I'm ecstatic with myself at how swimmingly things are going now.

For instance, I sought professional help instances after my panic attack, where I said, verbatim, "I don't know what happened, but I would really like to prevent it from happening again."  Good shit!

I had some trouble studying and focusing for a few days, but I finally hit my stride again today. (haha, I say "finally," but it hardly took a week to accomplish)  I met a bunch of new, great friends, and I accomplished some fabulous research in the lab.

It's easy to enjoy life when you remind yourself how amazing life is!  I'm experiencing Normal Chick problems, like jealousy and confusion.  That sucks, but still -- man, life is good!

I hope this lasts!  Moreso, I hope that I can STUDY LIKE A BAWS FOREVER

More later!  My textbooks are waiting for me

But please don't go, I love you so, my lovely,
please don't go, please don't go, I love you so, I love you so,
please don't go, please don't go, I love you so, I love you so.

- Alt-J, Breezeblocks

-+-

I tried to grip the zipper of my pencil case between my fingers, but I was too weak to open it.  

This happened to me two years ago.  I couldn't maintain a grip, and the weakness shocked me so much that it paralyzed me.  Two years ago, I shook in uncontrollable tears, and forbade Phuc from touching me in comfort.  I was so ashamed at how feeble I was.  How useless I was.  I was so useless.

This time, when I realized that I could not open my pencil case, I turned to my left and asked my friend, "Can you open this for me?"

Hesitantly, he nudged it slightly open, but upon realizing that there was nothing wrong with the zipper, he thought I was pranking him, and stopped.  But he opened it enough that though I was too weak to grip the zipper, I could fit my index finger in the new opening and instead dragged the zipper open the rest of the way.  I proceeded with taking notes for class, and halfway through class, recovered the strength to close my pencil case.  I cheered quietly.

Damn, son.

I'm definitely going to be okay.

-+-

Was it this hard the first time?

I tell myself, I'll get through this, no problem, I've gotten through this before.  But was it this hard the first time?

I'm going to get through this, but in the interim, it's not like it's a bundle of fun, sitting on the floor of my bedroom and crying until I'm shaking and clutching my head in my hands.  I initially laughed when they jokingly told me that I was going to get depressed when I got back to Merced.  Now here I am, in this place, again.  The only difference is that this time, I'm crying in a cuter dress, I'm ruining nicer mascara, and I have a delicious craft beer in the left hand.

I couldn't remember how I got through it last time.  Life has awkward timing, and this is happening in the brief moment that I don't really have anyone to talk to.  I couldn't remember how I got through it last time.  Until I did.  Last time, I wrote.  I wrote, I wrote, and I wrote.

But hyperbole aside, there is actually a lot of difference this time.  I am in this trouble as an optimistic person.  It doesn't seem like it, but I am.  I will get better.  I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt.  But until then, this is an intensely unpleasant experience.  I've been lightheaded more than I haven't.  I have lost focus more than I've retained.  This is unlike me.  But I know who I am, and I know that I'm not this.  I know the hoops of logical fallacy, and I know how to keep myself grounded.  I've done this before, and I'm so much better for that.  I know how to get out of this, and I know that I will get out of this.  It's just going to suck until then.

I do not know what triggered, but something did.

I hate that word.  Triggered.  It reminds me of rope and breathlessness... it reminds me of the first time I triggered.

Ha.  I wanted to write with more reality and truth.  Ironic, isn't it?  I'll keep the cat in the bag when it comes to shit stories like boy problems, but I don't care when it comes to something as heavy as depression.  With depression, my priority is getting better.  But even though I will reach for the word "depression" because there are many overlaps in symptoms, it would probably be more accurate to assess this as the recovery from my panic attack at school.  Either way, I will go through hell and high water to get better, because, well, fuck that shit.

I am actually trying to ride on the real possibility that I'm just super PMSing.  I've never been one to have emotional symptoms when I PMS (TMI but srsly who cares), but some months, I cramp more than other months.  Maybe that applies to emotional symptoms?  And I'm just having a more balls to the walls month when most other months, I am affected very little.  Lol if I come back in a week and everything is somehow just suddenly super gravy awesome.

I really hope this resolves soon.  I want to go back to studying. I haven't been able to maintain focus the past few days.  Studying has been an impossibility.  I am less than a week into school, and am already falling behind in my classes.  This time, however, I give a shit about that.  I'm gonna go places.  This time, I know that.  This sucks right now, but I know that it's only for right now.

but it still sucks

suckkkkkkkkkkkkksssssssss

(((((((((

You don't like me, and that's okay.  I don't like you either.  Other people like me.  People that actually matter.  And I like them too.

But I still wish the best for you.

So fuck you.

Just had a panic attack in the library.  All of the sounds got too loud and overwhelming.  Suddenly I hated all of the faces and all of the voices and everything was suddenly too much.  I bought an iced chai tea in comfort.  But then I hated all the faces there, too.  I was so overwhelmed.  I didn't want to be here.  The eye contact sent my heart pounding.  My head was light.  I went outside.  Fresh air will do me good, I told myself.  The dizziness didn't stop.  There were so many people outside.  I didn't want to be here.

I stared at the bus schedule.  I wanted to leave.  I still want to leave, but I have class in two hours.  I decided that instead of going home, I had two hours to get my shit together.  I have two hours to get my shit together.  I have two hours to get my shit together.

I'm in the outskirts of campus right now.  Just the sound of little murmurs and the whirring of a lawnmower tracing the grooves of the quad.  I'm going to admit.  I'm a little scared of going back there.  Back to the library.  With all the people.  I don't know if I want to go back there.  This is really difficult.  I don't understand why I'm dealing with this.  I don't understand why this is happening to me.  I just can't handle it right now.  I don't want to go back there.  I'm so scared of going back there.

I couldn't find a place outside where there were no people and I wanted to cry.  I found a bench that seemed quiet enough and that's where I am now.  I got to catch it before I started crying.  But I came really close.

I don't know why I'm so scared.  But I'm so scared.  I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back.  It's too much.  I don't understand WHY it's too much.  But suddenly, at this one moment, it is.  And I'm terrified.  I'll figure it out later.  First, I need to get through this.  That comes first.  That comes first.  I have two hours to get my shit together.

God, see me through this.

And when the doors were closed,
I heard no, "I told you so"s.

- Relient K, I So Hate Consequences

-+-

"I'm looking for a fresh start.  You know?"
-- "Yeah."

...

-- "It'll be weird for a bit.  It's weird right now.  But I'll get used to it."

-+-

I hoped that I was just imagining things.

I suppose that things can't always be so forgiving.  Sometimes, what sounds like familiar voices outside of your window are actually familiar voices outside of your window.  You're not expecting to see him, and he's not expecting to see you.  You just huddle in the safety of your room, and you just have to live with knowing that he must be thinking of you as he passes by your house.  He must see the glow of your desk lamp peeking through your room window.  

You just have to find comfort in the thought that maybe, just maybe, he dreads knowing that you're right there, just as much as you do.  

That way, the ghost becomes less terrifying, when he's just as afraid as you.

But it was not your fault, but mine.
And it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time.
Didn't I, my dear?

- Mumford & Sons, Little Lion Man

-+-

-- "That's weird.  So you like goodbyes?"
"Yeah.  I love last moments."

-+-

I nudged him with my elbow and nodded knowingly.  "It's okay," I said with firm urgency, "I'll take this one for the team."

"Thanks," he grinned. 

With that, I found resolve.  With that, there was a comforting warmth and a few pounds of weight off my shoulders.

Although grateful for this little victory, I just wish that all conclusions could be so easy.  After all, it had only been a few hours since the last time that I had to give a heart-heavy goodbye.   I feel like I've just had too many Last Moments recently, and too many Goodbyes.

I wonder if that was the last time that I would ever walk away from that doorway.  In fact, I wonder about all the things I've walked away from, and about all of the things ahead.

And, just like the start of last year, I find myself grumbling, "This is so stressful, and the semester hasn't even started yet."  Except now, these words taste familiar.  I feel like I have this talk with myself at the start of every semester.

"I'll be okay," I smiled.  Once again, the words flowed with an eerily familiar taste.

However, even when I only half-believed the words whenever I said them, they were words that have always, always, always, been true. 

"I'll be okay."

Don't look before you laugh!
Look ugly in a photograph!
Flash bulbs, purple irises
the camera can't see.

- U2, City of Blinding Lights

-+-

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

- Dr. Seuss

A Text Conversation:
"As expected I cried the whole car ride home. So pathetic"
-- "Super pathetic, or super reflective of just how much you care about everyone?!  And that, my dear, is not pathetic at all!  In fact, that's spectacular, touching, and is one of the many reasons I miss you so much already!!"

Dr. Seuss has great advice, although it's advice that we evidently refused to follow.

-+-

As I left the Neuroscience Center for the last time, I realized that there are five notably monumental occasions in the lab for undergraduate research interns.

1. The first time that you walk into lab.
2. The first time that you have to work on protocol until late into the night.
3. The first time that you perform a protocol independently and unsupervised.
4. The first time that you teach a protocol to someone else.
5. The moment that you turn in your lab notebook to your mentor.

On Thursday, I finished achieving all five of those at Scripps Research.  (Of course, there are supplementary occasions that I've experienced, like the first time that I euthanized and dissected a mouse -- that was a pretty big deal to me, too!) 

Towards the end of my last day, it was sinking in that I just performed my last protocol that I would ever perform at Scripps this summer.  I just finished sacrificing my last mouse -- halfway through the sac, I turned to the new rotations student, "Mah last mouse, oh my gawwddd!" 

As I was writing my sacrifice protocol into my laboratory notebook, I turned to my mentoring graduate student with urgency, "...I'm writing my last lab notebook entry right now."  We both reflexively exchanged a "say it ain't so!" expression -- one that would last well until I handed her my laboratory notebook.

I said, "Oh, and like you told me to, I also remembered to draw a smiley face at the end."

She grinned and began flipping through my lab notebook, "You did?  Well, let me make sure that it passes my smiley face quality check… Ha!  There it is.  Excellent.  Well, Christa... I guess... that means you're good to go."

My entire last day at the Neuroscience Center -- in fact, my entire last week in San Diego -- was marked by similar tones of thankfulness, sadness, denial, and surreal goodbyes.

When I walked down the hall to start my last day of work, I tried to take it all in.  The way my shoes gently clicked along the white linoleum tile.  The delicate glow of the histology machines peeking into the walkway.  The Christmas lights that traced the corners of the microscopy room.  The hum of the autoclaves whirring into my right ear.  The burst of fluorescent lighting that spilled into the hall from the laboratory suite.  All of it.  I tried to engrave my last morning into my mind like a photograph.

Later in the day, but before my last protocol, I sat down to eat one of the cheeseburgers at my goodbye BBQ.  At that moment, my desk neighbor came up to me and amiably whimpered, "Christa, why do you have to leave?"  He was always one of my favorites in the lab, ever since my very first day ten weeks ago.  So I whimpered back, "I'll miss you, neighbor."

In fact, this entire week has been blanketed in a delicate somber for many of the interns in my program.  Then… well, then we hit Friday.  That was when the end of summer suddenly crashed down into us.

It will be a long time before I forget my last day in San Diego.  It was a magnificent and sleepless 24-hour blur.  I presented my summer project to an audience of both peers and world-renowned research faculty.  Our last dinner was at In-N-Out for the interns from outside of California, which turned into three hours of laughter and giggling.  We all had those discussions that we were always waiting to have, finding our closure. 

For my housemates and I, we realized just how much we cared about each other.  We realized just how close we had become this summer, and just how much we weren't ready for this part of summer to end.

It will also be a long time before I forget the way that my roommate and I were sitting on our respective beds, when I texted our remaining housemate, "I'm going soon!"

Her roommate had already left home for Maryland, and so she rushed back to say goodbye to me.  She admitted, "Christa, when you texted me that, that's when it really sank in that this is really over."  She started crying, which inevitably meant everyone started crying.  We shared sweet last words, when I said, "Okay… I think it's time for us to walk me to the door."

Which, of course, obviously meant we all needed to cry even more.

My last memory in that apartment would be my roommate and my housemate standing at my doorway, bawling and telling me the saddest, most incoherent goodbyes that I have ever had the privilege of receiving.

What a damn good summer.

You had a lot of dreams that transform into visions -
the fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions.
But it wasn't your fault, wasn't in your intentions.

- Lil Wayne, How to Love

-+-

I'm at a very unique position in my life right now.  I have just passed an amazing amount of obstacles, and I am currently right before the starting line of my next wave of hardship and readjustment.

So I don't know it yet, but at this moment - this one, fleeting moment - my life is perfect.

I sat at my kitchen table, laughing with my San Diego roommate about the funny things in life, when I realized just how perfect was at that moment.  I had just finished troubleshooting in all realms of my life -- research was beautiful, I had moved on from obstacles and anchors both here and home, I made amazing friends here (some even knowing me way more than almost all of my other friends back home) -- I had so much weight off my shoulders.  Then I realized, that at that moment, I had no weight on my shoulders.  I felt limitless.  For that instant, my life felt like it could go anywhere.

In this moment, "life" is synonymous with "potential."

And that, my friends, is perfect.