"I really don't know what to say."

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I can't believe how much bad luck I've recently fallen into.

I'm at the point where I would not put anything past the universe - if someone were to rob me of my laptop from this coffee shop right now, or if every bad memory in my life were to show up at my front door tomorrow, I would probably not blink an eye in surprise.  I would expect it at this point.  I don't know what game the universe is playing with me right now, but I am spent.

I am spent.  I am stressed, I am angry, I am sad, I am scared, but most of all, I am exhausted.

I've learned that it takes a different, terrifying breed of bad luck that makes me yell at my best friend in tears over the phone, ready and eager to just throw my hands up and give up.  I don't want to go home right now.  I also don't want to be here.  I don't want to be anywhere here right now.  Right now, I really just want to be back sitting on Morrell's apartment floor again, watching How I Met Your Mother and drinking root beer.  Right now, I really just want to sit in the backseat of Patrick's car as we drive up to the city, where he, my sister, and I would just laugh at all the stupid quotes that we could possibly recall.

I just don't want to do this right now.  I just don't want to deal with this right now.

I've just been really unlucky in the past few days.

My lab is my safe haven - there, everything is grace.  Everything is beautiful, science and knowledge.

The moment I leave work in the evening, the world proves to demonstrate a great capacity for Terrible.

It is taking a lot of effort to focus on the silver linings.  I am safe, and that is beautiful - but I am losing my faith.  No matter what I have been through, no matter how many players and liars and fools I have dealt with, nothing has ever shaken my firm resolution that there is an inherent good in people.  For the past year, I have always managed to retain the unwavering belief that as long as I am kind and I work hard, I will always manage to appreciate the good in the world.  I've managed to remind myself to always remember that no matter what, there is an unforgettable good that will always exist somewhere, no matter how slight or subtle.  For the past year, through thick and thin, that has been true.  I have experienced bad weeks, I have experienced bad months, I have experienced a roller coaster of fortune and fate, but I have always been able to hold onto that faith, even if only by the thinnest of strands.

This is the first time that I have truly started to lose that grip on good will and good faith.  I am about to lose my rose-colored glasses, and I am ready to give up on holding onto them.  

I just want out.  I just want out.

If I were one of high hopes, I would really wish that things would look up from here.

But right now, I'm too tired for that.

I've just had a lot of bad luck recently.