I don't have to leave anymore -
what I have is right here;
spend my nights and days before
searching the world for what's right here.

- The xx, Islands

-+-

It's been a while since life has felt like this.  

My life is back to normalcy, and I'm back in the groove of everyday routine.  However, life now feels tangible, as if threatening to slip from my grasp.  During these times, I'm thankful when life is predictable, but I go back to wondering, "What if that were me?"

But all in all, things are well - at least for me.  That's the bittersweet part of losing a colleague that was more acquaintance than friend.  However, there are many people still torn apart by heartbreak and mourning, and I feel for them and all my thoughts and prayers go out to them.

Thanks to all for your love, concern, and care for me!  I'll try my best to pass it on to everyone around me, and to the people that need it most right now!

-+-

In contrast to recent events, life has truly been completely lovely!

It's very refreshing compared to the previous dichotomy in my posts - life would be great, but only the struggles in my life would be my muses!  But today, my skin is bronzed by the kiss of sunshine when sand sifted in my toes.  This Saturday, I get to witness the music that unknowingly led to the climax of the Old Life.  I've even got my own personal set of pipettes in the lab, and I am loving it!

Moreover, among my little adventures in San Diego, I went on an epic Honey Quest about a week ago.  I am extremely not picky when it comes to food, but honey is perhaps the only thing that I have grown to be particular about.  Since the start of college, I have been to quite a few honey tastings, and it is now among the very few where I can appreciate the tang of dandelion honey versus the deep, rich tastes of buckwheat honey.  I'll have a random processed hot dog any day, but when it comes to honey, I'd be willing to go through hell and high water for great honey.  (I wish I had this insight when the state fair had its honey exhibit!  Current Christa would've had a field day.  At least I had the good sense of keeping the free honey recipe book that they gave me!)

So when I ran out of my wildflower honey, I found myself on a journey for an amazing honey!  I went to all of the local grocery stores and was unthrilled by any of the honey selections - I felt like such a snob, but I declared, "I need better honey!!"  It wasn't long before I moved the search forward, researched all the farmer's markets in the area, and a hefty drive later, found myself with a huge bottle of avocado blossom honey!  :)  

I've been using it for everything, and now my tea, ice cream, fruits, and life in general have all been awesome ever since!!!!!!

!!!!!!

So now everyone knows what I would love for every holiday/occasion that entails gifts.  I want to try all the honeys!

More happy posts to come about my various adventures in San Diego!

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."

- Henry David Thoreau

-+-

I was at work when I heard the news.

My reaction was synonymous with panic.  So when I heard the news that you passed away,  I had to keep a smile on my face for the rest of the work day.  I didn't know what to do.  My heart sank, and I missed you.  I always wanted to get to know you more, but now I'll never have the chance.

Meanwhile, I worried desperately for your family and loved ones.  I wanted to mourn with someone, but everyone is so far away.  I don't remember the last time that I felt so surrounded by people, yet so alone.  I can't believe your face is one that I'll never see again.

I wish I took advantage of the chance to know you more than I knew you.  You were so kind to me, even back then, when I had no one.  Thank you for those days when you would help me bring my laundry up to my dorm, and for our friendly conversations during your work shifts.  You helped make the days not so lonely, and the evenings not so long.

Rest in peace, Nathalie.  I hope your life received as much love and kindness as you gave away.

I guess I would have known love if it whispered in my ear.
All I know right now is that it's been almost a year
since I traded in forever for a kiss that day,
but how about some shelter if I promise not to stay?

- Train, Shelter Me

-+-

"Are you a new post-doc?"
-- "Oh!  Oh, no!  I'm an undergrad, actually!"
[Embarrassed.] "…Oh! Ha!"
-- "Yes, I'm the new summer intern, haha. But.. wow, thank you!"

Quite possibly the single most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me.

-+-

"I have an awesome undergrad!"

During our internship orientation, we were told to treat this internship as if it were a summer-long interview, and I've really been trying to take it to heart. 

"Downtime?  Time to research EVERYTHING!!  Time to shadow EVERYONE!!  Must… get to know… everyone!!  It don't matter that this lab is three times as big as my lab at home!  MUST.. GET TO KNOW.. EVERYONE!!!!!!  GOOD MORNING TO ALLLLLLLLLL"

I've started trying to arrive first to my lab in the morning not only to get more work done, but also to make a good impression on EVERYONE!  Also, it puts me in a really good position to say a personalized, "Good morning!" to everyone as they walk in later in the day.  Admittedly, it's been a batch of mixed results from the lab members - I am, after all, just a random summer intern that will only be here for a few weeks.  But so help me, I won't stop trying my darnest!

Today, I hit it big when I mastered the Cryostat that I mentioned a few days ago.  I finally cut beautiful tissue sections!!  Although when I say "finally," that admittedly translates more into, "my second try."  Even so, I did well enough to the point that my graduate mentor gasped and went, "Oh my god.  Those are beautiful.  I am so impressed!"  She promptly went back to the laboratory, and after I was done cleaning my station, I returned to the lab as well, where it turned out that my graduate mentor told everyone about my Cryostat work!  The other lab members said, "So I heard that you're a master of histology.  She won't stop bragging about you."

She interjected, "I'm serious!  Oh my gosh, you have to see them!"  She held up the slides that I prepared, and a few of the lab members gathered around to look at my sections and agreed that they were impressed, saying, "That's beautiful!" and, "Nope, that's not okay.  You can't do that, Christa.  You're making the rest of us look bad."

They started joking that I'm now going to spend countless hours everyday at the Cryostat, "You can't do too well on anything, because now I'm just thinking of all the things I can have you section for me now!  So many possibilities!"  I would not stop blushing at my achievement and the subsequent praise.  It was so rewarding and flattering!

After all my protocol today, I even got to hang out with one of the Master's students and watch a fantastic new protocol that involved brain dissection!  Four hours flew by, and before I knew it, I hit the end of a 14-hour work day.

I'm definitely trying to make the most of this fantastic internship! 

What a good day!

happy 28th 

happy 9th!

-+-

Dear Phuc,

You'll probably never read this.  I don't know if we still have some residual telepathy left over from our six years together, and both find ourselves reminiscing about each other today, or if this completely blew over your head and as far as you're concerned, I'm a blur that never existed.  But I'm just going to swallow my pride and write from the heart, because that's important to me today.

I wonder if you remember today.  Exactly one year ago today, you left me.  At some point, I braced myself for a lifetime of loneliness.  However, almost instantaneously, I proved myself wrong.  In the end, it wasn't just loneliness that I proved myself wrong on - I proved myself wrong about almost everything.

I wish you could meet me.  Not in a way to reconnect, not in a way to become friends, not in a way to catch up.  I just wish you could meet me, just because I think you'd be so proud of me and the person that I've become.  

You were the one that reassured me that everyone would love me if I just let them know me the way you knew me, and all those years, I never believed you.  But all along, you were right.  Do you remember when I struggled to find a single friend in the entire world?  I have so much support now, from high school, from college, from family, from my work... it's outstanding.  It's so outstanding when I realize what a wallflower I used to be.  Gosh, and back then, there was that one day where we were so stoked when I made conversation with your friends at Crystal's house.  I helped Daniel prepare beverages, and you gave me a hug and told me that you were proud of me!  Since then, a lot of people were there for me when I was getting over you, and a lot of those same people are still there for me now.  And as it turns out, a lot of those people were from our high school and people that I met during my first two years at UCM - during the very years that I was convinced that I had no friends other than you.  And that was when I realized, that I was never really alone, as much as I thought I was.  I was so convinced that I didn't have any friends, that I was completely blind to all the people around me that cared for me.  Since then, I've met even more friends, and made even more memories with the people at my college and even the people from our high school.  It's been just wonderful!

I still have a long ways to go, but despite the obstacles and road blocks that I'm still overcoming, I'm growing so much.  I'm so happy to tell you that I've now gone nearly a year without depression, and it's been a year since I've last hurt myself.  Do you remember how it used to take you so long to get me to tell you anything whenever I was sad about something?  Or how I used to not compromise for beans?  How I was so closed-minded about critique?  How I was so quick to shut you out, and everything you said, I wouldn't believe you or cooperate?  

I'm now able to think of that girl, that sad girl that I became when you told me, "You're not the same," and I feel so sorry for her.  I almost want to feel ashamed that I used to be that girl, but she was important to me.  She was important for me to recognize what I want to get away from, and who I want to distance myself from.  I would mentally brush along those states of mind, but then I would think things like, "No, I have to express how I feel.  I know better, after how I was with Phuc."  I'm no longer that girl that is convinced that no one would ever want to marry a girl like me.  I have a bright future now, one that I want to chase wholeheartedly. 

A year later, I have to admit that it's still somewhat surreal when I realize, "I'm not with Phuc anymore."  I still get the, "whoaaa" reaction when I tell anyone that I dated my high school sweetheart for nearly six years.  I remember when we were the couple.  When we were hot shit.  It's still surreal when I evaluate the person that I used to be, and to absorb just how well I'm doing now when I consider how long I was with you, and how devastated I was when you left.  I'm still rough around the edges, but these days, I  am letting myself grow, rather than letting myself give up, and that's been making all the difference.  It's nothing at all like how I gave up on myself when I was with you.

Now, I want to thank you for leaving me.  I want to thank you for taking my hand and telling me, "I don't think we should be together anymore."  Thank you for not only six years of poignant memories, but also for this last year of growth, improvement, and rejuvenation.  I never would have pushed myself so much to grow and change myself if it wasn't for you, and for your choice to leave me.

A year later, I'm proud to say that I don't love you anymore.  I don't miss you anymore.  I don't need you in my life anymore.  That's beautiful, because you know how much I was dependent on you.  I leaned on you, and I clung to you, and that was detrimental for both of us.  I learned a lot from the time that I spent with you, and a lot of ways that I want to improve my life.

So thank you.  Thank you for everything.  Thank you for our time together, thank you for this past year, and thank you for all the growth and memories that are still yet to come - with or without you.

But you would know best that I'm a sucker for nostalgia, so...

Happy anniversary, Phuc!

Happy one year anniversary.

I thought love was out of reach
'til I got her;
had I known it could come true,
I would have wished...
for a mermaid
just like you.

- Train, Mermaid

-+-

"Christa, you've only been here less than a week, and I think you're already the most polite person in the entire lab, you know that?  You always say 'thank you' to everything!  And that is definitely definitely not a bad thing.  It's just that ever since you joined the lab, I've started thinking that I don't say 'thank you' enough!"

-+-

"...create a facility worthy of a visit by Picasso."
- Jonas Salk to architect Louis Khan

I am a different kind of fangirl.

I've read about the Salk Institute for Biological Sciences for months.  Hailed as one of the nation's most significant buildings of the 20th century, I've always found the design of the Salk Institute just so fascinating - its architecture is optimized for scientific research.  

As some background, Dr. Jonas Salk, the developer of the inactivated polio vaccine, had an ambitious vision to create a research institute where researchers would not waste any time on maintaining the building.  Therefore, the facilities are made of hardy materials such as concrete and lead, and no part of the architecture is painted, all to minimize maintenance.  That way, Salk Institute researchers could focus all their time on scientific research. 

Growing up, one of my many dream jobs was to become an architect.  It's beautiful to see a concept, a sketch on paper, loom into a tangible reality that stretches acres wide and stories tall.  I've always admired the field of architecture as a field where big dreams become reality - really big reality.  I loved it, but I personally never had a knack for designing and developing structures that were not only aesthetically pleasing, but also structurally sound.  I just struggled in achieving feasible architectural designs, and decided to do career exploration in other venues.

Thus, at this point in my life, as a retired Aspiring Architect and current Scientist-in-the-Making, I've gotten a lot of joy and pleasure from just reading about and learning about the history of the Salk Institute and its architectural design.  I've never before heard of architecture inspired by research and science.  It was two fervent interests of mine culminating into this gorgeous, inspirational research facility.  And let's not forget to mention that it was founded by the man that essentially wiped out polio and changed the world of vaccination forever.  

As much as I appreciate and adore the conceptual beauty of scientific research - the process of questioning and investigation, of design and experimentation, it is really something to see the beauty of science in such a huge aesthetic form.  I'm used to beautiful science under a microscope, not towering over me.

I read about it for months, and here, in San Diego, getting to see the Salk Institute?  Stunning.  Absolutely stunning.

Surprise con: EXTREMELY limiting lab space!  Passing by the labs, all of the research is so crowded and borderline claustrophobic.  I really should have expected that, considering the way that the architecture, albeit pretty, really limits the overall size of individual labs.  It may not be somewhere where I'd want to pursue a graduate degree, as I also learned that the downside of having a staff full of internationally acclaimed faculty is the commonness of complete lack of mentorship.  But, if someday down the line I end up going into a post-doc, I can very much imagine myself at the Salk Institute.  

It's just too much of a gem to not at least consider the Salk Institute in my life.  It was love at first Google Search.

And of course, there is also the stunning view from the Salk Institute - the sun setting over the Pacific Ocean.

Damn, nature.  You pretty.

You too, Salk Institute.

My pride still feels the sting -
you were my everything!

- Train, 50 Ways to Say Goodbye

Honestly, I should've known we weren't meant to be the moment he asked me to skip a Train song.  That should've been the biggest red flag!

ok fine that album had so-so moments but their newest album is so money

freakin' love train

-+-

"What are you going to have Christa do?"
"Everything."
"Everything?"
"Yeah, I'm just gonna go relax on the beach while she does all of my experiments."

-+-

Warning: Nerd Christa ahoy!

I sat there in front of the Cryostat for hours trying to perfect my sectioning technique, and hoping to demonstrate my "knack" for learning new technique.

The Cryostat was a machine not available to us at UC Merced - at UCM, if we wanted to section tissue samples into thin layers for histology, we had to drive to the closest research facilities in the area; usually, this was two hours away in UC Davis.

I now had the great privilege of having one only a couple of yards away in the room across the hall.  I diligently took notes as I received Cryostat training, and proceeded to slice away at an extra sample of mouse brain.  I carefully laid the sample out, and adhered it to a microscope plate.

It was consistently rewarding to "successfully" slice a sample.  The "success" was that things would constantly be perfect, at least until the moment that I check my tissue under the microscope and see a microscopic bubble in the center of my tissue sample.  I would give a frustrated, "Rats!" before I continued to try and try and try again for an additional hour and a half.  After all, the tissue is the entire point of it all!

After being kicked out of the lab at 6 pm to encourage me to catch some rest, I would continue to scour the nearby earth for wi-fi so that I could continue looking up ways to optimize my Cryostat technique via grad student forums and online research discussions.  That bubble was really bothering me.

It's been a while since I've been this fervent for learning a new skill - it was completely different from anything that I was challenged with in my home lab, but as I carefully cut the tissue section with the flywheel and pulled it from the rest of the brain with a small brush, I was also thankful for the dexterity given to me by a year's experience in tissue culture.  It was really a skill that built upon my prior research experience while truly being a technique that would literally be impossible for me to currently learn at UC Merced.

I have now worked two days in the new lab, and I have already learned a completely different world from embryonic stem cell culture, as I have instead begun to instead culture virus and bacteria and as I watch collagen cells repattern into neuronal cells.  It's a sight to behold!

I hope that tomorrow in the lab, and the rest of summer to come, will be just as awesome and bodankulous!

Next goal: Get to know my lab members!  This lab is nearly three times as big as my home lab, and I'm definitely getting lost in the funk and still forgetting everyone's names.  I truly hope to be less of a tiny fish in a huge ocean, and more of a valuable asset to the lab team!

(i am also trying to coin "bodankulous")

I'll let you cross it,
let you take every line I've got.

- The xx, Stars 

-+-

"I love your laugh!"

I still don't know if she was talking to me.  'Cos my laugh is ridics.

-+-

One of the things that always seems to escape my grasp is the sin of forgiveness.

Anyone that knows me would know that it's not the "forgiveness" part that eludes me.  I have been given many the slap on the wrist for being too forgiving.  To want to call out for a name, to reconnect, to once again feel the warmth of the people that I used to love.  To once again become an indiscriminate lighthouse, to be an unequivocal, headstrong fountain of kindness, trust, and optimism.

"Christa, no," I would be told, with a look of wariness and caution, "you're way too trusting.  You need to know that there's people you can't trust."

"I know," I would reassure, "I'm learning from my mistakes."

Which, for the most part, has been successful.  In an enormously strange truth, I have to admit that I've stolen a lot of hearts this year.  There are complications that arise when your life motto is to make everyone, without distinction or discrimination, feel like they are the most important person in the world.  That was a life goal that went beautifully, like the flow of an orchestra.  That is, until love and loss got in the way.

After that, I had to become more reserved.  It was a horrific necessity.  When a naive girl gives her heart away, only to be crushed repeatedly by disastrous friendships and relationships, the number of people in the world armed with my every secret becomes terrifying.  It is injury enough that in spite of it all, I keep trusting and giving, and giving, and giving, but it is even more worrisome when it becomes an arms race.

I don't want to shy away to cynicism.  I don't want to believe in the worst in people, as necessary as that ought to be.  After all, my blog that documents nearly ten years of life, of history, of love, of loss, of personal challenges and downfalls, still remains as only a click away from my Facebook page.  I want to believe in giving to the people that are willing to accept my words as a gift.  That are willing to love my recollections and memories, and know that they are part of me.  I want to be able to give.

But then, "Christa ... there's people you can't trust."

I have to remember that I can't let myself be that person anymore.  I can't be that soul.  I know that love is worth it.  Love is always worth it.  It is worth the loss and the heartbreak.  But people are fearful for me, and with good reason.  These are people that I love.  That know me, crimes and all.  That know how much I've been hurt, and care for me, and don't want to see me get hurt anymore.  That know me well enough to know that I am always bound to get hurt again, because I just can't grasp the sin of forgiveness.  That know that while I am strong and determined, I'm only human.  A girl can only give away so much trust before there's nothing left to give.

I want to give, but I know I must keep my heart at arm's reach.  I can face the pain and the hurt, but I don't want to lose my heart. You lose the things that you tape loosely on your sleeve.

You don't even know what you've done for me, and you'll probably never read this, but thank you for the slap on the wrist - it was a reminder and a wake-up call.  

Edit: Morning Blues were Morning Blues.  I'm now sitting on my San Diego apartment couch, watching Mythbusters and reading articles on induced pluripotent stem cells.  It's gonna be a damn good day!

-+-

I would kill to be your clothes -
Cling to your body and hang from your bones.
I would make a mark
if you would let me start.

- Now, Now, Wolf

-+-

For lack of a better word, here's a somewhat "fun" realization: As of this Saturday, it will be a year since Phuc dumped me.  A year since the Old Life ended.

Or as my sister calls it, "aka rise of the phoenix currently known as christa."

-+-

"It's surreal not being able to see my friends and family back home all summer long!"

I quietly nodded, not yet being able to sympathize.  I'm not here from across the country like some of the other interns, but Southern California already feels like a world away from my little home in Merced.  It was enough that I felt like I was in the same boat in terms of mental distance, if not physical distance.

It would turn out to take three days before I would become homesick.  It would take three days until my stomach would churn as I would google airfare to Merced, longing for the mediocre popcorn chicken at the shop behind the Savemart and the satisfaction of sweeping the leaves off the porch in front of my window.  For the face that would greet me at the door with a snarky joke and a shake of the head, "Oh, Christa."

Today is the third day.

-+-

While writing this, I texted my best friend in Merced, "I'm starting to get homesick! :c"

I just received the reply, "It's only been a few days. Don't be lame."

And it was so... weirdly really comforting.  I'm rejuvenated with motivation, and I'm nervous yet so ready to start working.

Tomorrow, I perform stem cell research at one of the leading biomedical research facilities in the world.

Game on!