Day: January 20, 2012

  • Edit 1/20/2012: nvm i got this. :P /Edit

    Right now, there's nothing as painful as admitting that I need to take a break.

    I feel like I have absolutely no reason to be exhausted.  I'm only in twelve units this semester - the fewest I've ever taken in my college career.  Yet we're only on the third day of the semester, and I already have the mental and physical exhaustion that I had during finals a month ago.  I'm already getting so little sleep a night since I got to Merced, and it's honestly befuddling me as to why, because I'm still not as on-pace as I want to be on all my readings.  I'm trying to do a tally.  Seven hours of labwork today, three hours yesterday, four hours on Tuesday, nine hours on Monday, and four hours on Sunday.  And then I'm anticipating five hours tomorrow, and three hours on Saturday.  It feels like a lot, but then I remind myself that I'm only in twelve units and I need to suck it up.  I'm also a little, "You're this tired after only three hours of lab work?  You know you can do more."  I feel like if I wasn't in lab, I'd be in some lecture, so I still crave registering for Cancer and Tumor Biology.  I feel so academically unproductive, even though I know how crazy that is, considering how tired I am right now.

    I just know that I'm knocking out the moment after I'm done writing this.  Five personal statements done, but I still have seven more personal statements waiting for me in the morning - although I admittedly want "morning" to be "I'll set my alarm for 3 AM and work more," but I know better.  I need to get some rest tonight.  Then I'm going to pick up my transcripts and find out what the hell to do with them, and pray to all sorts of things that they get to my institutions in time.

    It's stressful because I feel like my career is on the line.  I want to blame myself for procrastinating, but all my professors lack doubt - they believe that we can make these deadlines.  I can make these deadlines.  They believe that I can make it to the Big Ten Research Universities.  "The University of Iowa has one of the leading microbiology programs in the nation.  So does the University of Illinois at Chicago.  You should also look into Stanford.  You have this in the bag; this is going to be a piece of cake.  You're a very strong applicant."  And every time, all I can think of how amazing the opportunity would be.  How much I would do for a chance like that.  And right now, that's exactly how much I'm trying to do.  But I can't do it.  I can't blow seven personal statements out of the water right now.  I'm so mentally spent after the first five, and after my number of applications doubled just hours ago.  And I have to admit: that makes me feel so mediocre.  I feel less than average right now.  Why am I still behind on my readings?  Why am I still less than half-done with my applications?  People keep telling me not to overwork myself, but I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough.  I keep feeling like I have no reason to be this exhausted, like I have no reason to complain, because nothing's done.  I feel like I need to work harder, like I'm not actually really doing that much, not enough to be so exhausted, and yet I'm so tired.

    I keep completely forgetting about my birthday party tomorrow, and I keep having to remind myself.

    Okay.  I'm finally going to get some sleep tonight, because I can't let myself burn out.  I'm re-reading this post and even I can tell that it seems like I'm on the threshold of it.  Okay.  I'm going to sleep, and tomorrow will being my glorious comeback for rejuvenation.  For the love of god let my next post talk about good things.

    Whew.