And when you think you're safe,
you fall upon your knees.
But you sit within your picture;
you still forget the breeze.
- Damien Rice, Elephant
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"You hate me, don't you?"
-- "Yes! I hate you!"
Yet, on the inside, all smiles.
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"All you really need is for the new semester to start. Things are just hectic right now because you're much more functional when you're busy and more in your momentum."
Today was the first day of spring semester, and I spent it completely physically exhausted from minute one, yet I was eager to reap the rewards of productivity, education, and social minglings. My many many many fears with many many many people are starting to see resolve, and I'm thankful for that.
I started my first day of spring semester by completing two experimental protocols in the morning and getting a liquid nitrogen burn midday, justifying the way that the graduate students keep telling me, "Take it easy; don't work too hard!" and the undergraduate students telling me, "So I heard that you've been working yourself insane!" Regardless, I volunteered to perform an extra protocol for my lab tech anyway, before it was finally time to start my first class.
It was my first time having a course taught by my research faculty mentor, and it was quite an experience -- she kept riddling her lecture with my name! Whenever she needed to use a student as an example for a hypothetical story, the student would suddenly be "Christa," e.g. "Say I'm writing a letter of recommendation for Christa. Well, then..." Whenever she scanned the class for questions, she went, "Questions? Christa?" So now I have two professors this semester that absolutely love singling me out to the entire class - my Immunology professor does the same crime, except he just pokes fun of my expressions and my nervous laughter during every lecture - "So Christa is giving me a look like she has no idea what I'm talking about, so..." I'm yet to see what Physics II holds for me. I'm yet to see if it will be a semester of, "Dude, all my professors frickin' keep dropping my name during lectures, what the heck, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever experienced in my life," or if my Physics II class will be a restful break from all the flattering yet "O_O;;;???" amounts of professor acknowledgement. But yeah, hella flattering. Also: "Everyone in that class is going to hate you." LOL
I'm also back to the state of mind of, "Why... why don't I know you? What kind of amazing personality am I missing out on by not knowing you?" and I almost forgot how much I now actually absolutely love enriching my life with new friends and strengthening my friendship with old ones, how much I adore making smiles and memories! It's so cheesy, but it's honestly such a joy when I make eye contact with someone and their entire expression just brightens up. That's just the best.
I don't know how I could have possibly questioned myself about this life full of love. I always just assumed and accepted my past tendencies of methodology and protocol in social interaction, but after becoming more self-aware of it, I'm realizing just how much everything is truly lined with simple love. The extent of methodology have decreased to initial contact - then, the rainbows and unicorns flow, annotated by, "If you have something nice to say, then say it without hesitation," and, "Don't be shy to be yourself." Honestly, my "protocol" now consists of things like, "Make mental note of things that they like so you can get them a present later!" and "Introduce yourself to everyone you talk to, no exceptions allowed!" and "Make them feel as special as possible so that they remember this conversation with fond thoughts later!" Everything feels like it's lined with sunshine right now, and that's such a relief to me! Whew!
It makes me smile while writing this, and it's so lame, yet I like that. I like that a lot.
I need more posts that are just brimming with positive energy! After all, concentrating on the silver linings is much easier when you're actually concentrating on the silver linings.